Kitsune & Panda
by sheltie
Summary: This comes from one of my Naruto Story Idea chaps. After returning from Wave Naruto comes back, but he isn't the same. His other personality, Kitsune has risen and mayhem is in store for everyone in Konoha with the only one safe is one girl, his Panda-hime. Warning! A lot of character bashing in this, so if you don't like that kind of thing then don't read. Rated M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

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_I don't own Naruto at all_

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**A/N: okay, I got this idea from reading Naruto stories where he has some sort of personality disorder. This one will be a bit heavy on humor, but with some action and adventure mixed in too. Throw all logic out the window as you read this. It has no home here really. That means no questions about this making any sense, it's not supposed to. Shut your brain off and just read and enjoy.**

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**Chapter 1**

Tenten felt a shiver that went all the way up and then down her spine. She knew something was wrong, something was very wrong. She could just feel it. She had stopped her throwing shurikens and kunai at her two teammates.

"Tenten, is something wrong?" Guy asked.

"No, it's nothing Guy sensei" Tenten said though in the back of her mind she knew something wasn't right and that worried her greatly.

She went back to her throwing, but her mind wasn't on the task at hand.

/Scene Break/

_**A Few Days Later**_

Tenten stood by the gate awaiting for someone to return. She knew she had to be there for some reason. It came from deep in her gut telling her this. Thankfully her team had a day off so she could be here. Soon she saw a group heading towards the gates. She knew who one of them was just by their spiky yellow hair. But she could also sense there was something was amiss too.

"Oh no" she mumbled now knowing why she had to be here.

Team 7 were heading back after a what was supposed to be a simple C rank mission, but turned into something more. Missing nins and a midget tycoon ruling over a town was what they got. In the end they liberated the town and all seemed well. But that was just on the outside.

Former Anbu captain and now jounin Kakashi Hatake was worried, very worried about one of his students. After the battle on the bridge the student had been silent. This wasn't normal for the usually brash and loud blond. Something had happened, but he didn't know what and whenever he tried to talk to the blond about it he was nowhere to be found.

The blonde's two teammates noticed the change too and it made them feel quite uneasy. This wasn't normal behavior from the blond. He was so quiet. His eyes were always looking, watching observing, but not in a normal way. There was devious scary edge to it all. Like one false move and the blond might snap.

The blond in question was walking with his hands in his pockets and head down.

They got to the gates and the blond looked up. His eyes locked on Tenten.

"PANDA-HIME!"

Tenten was jolted, but knew who he was. Only one person would call her that.

"Kitsune?" she asked.

Naruto nodded happily as he embraced Tenten tightly. Tenten hugged Naruto back. This left team 7 very confused. Though Kakashi did wince hearing Naruto's odd name. Sasuke and Sakura were confused as to why this girl was calling Naruto a different name. They also wondered who this girl was and how did she know Naruto.

"I am soooo happy to see you Panda-hime. It's been soooo long" Naruto/Kitsune said in a giddy fashion.

"Yeah it has Kitsune. I am happy to see you" Tenten said smiling and she was being honest.

Naruto/Kitsune then turned to the two chunin that were the ever-present guards of the gate and grinned at them in the most scariest and devious manner.

"I'm baaaaaack" he said in a very scary manner.

"K-k-k-k-k-Kitsune, hey, welcome back" Kotetsu said nervously.

"Y-y-y-y-yeah, welcome back" Izumo said being just as nervous as his chunin partner.

Both chunin gate guards were scared out of their wits. Their minds flashed back to all the torment that Kitsune caused them. They were all too horrid to even say out loud really. But they still had nightmares of the events every now and again. Even had some scars both mentally and physically on themselves. Seeing Kitsune again brought it all to the front of their minds and they were scared witless.

Team 7 was confused why these two chunin seemed to be afraid of Naruto, and again why are they calling Naruto by another name altogether.

"So how was your mission Kitsune?" Tenten asked.

"Not very exciting, boring really" Naruto/Kitsune said in a disappointed tone.

This riled up two members of team 7.

"What's the matter loser, afraid to admit how badly you did?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah, are you afraid to say that Sasuke was the best" Sakura screeched.

Naruto turned to the two and unleashed a force like no other. It felt like KI, but it had such weight to it that it couldn't possibly be KI. Sasuke and Sakura actually felt like they were pushed down by a massive amount of pressure. Like gravity had gotten a lot stronger right where they are standing.

They were on their hands and knees doing their best to even breath due to the immense pressure on them. Kakashi felt it too and knew this wasn't any KI he had ever felt. He faired a bit better though he had to force himself to stay upright and not get on his knees like his two students. It was very hard since the jounin never felt anything like it before. His knees were trembling trying to stay up.

"Kitsune, that's enough. You don't do that kind of thing to your team" Tenten chided.

The great weight team 7 felt was lifted and they were all able to breath again. Sasuke and Sakura got up shakily and Kakashi was exhausted from trying withstand whatever it was he was against.

"Awww, Panda-hime, you just had to ruin my fun" Naruto/Kitsune pouted.

Tenten just sighed.

Unnoticed to them was Kotetsu rushed off to alert the Hokage of what was going on. Izumo just hoped Kotetsu would get back in time before Kitsune gets bored or something.

"Ah, Kitsune, welcome back" Sandaime Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi, said.

"Hey old man" Naruto said not even looking at the Hiruzen as his attention was still on Tenten.

"Naruto, it's rude to ignore the Hokage" Kakashi reprimanded.

"It's alright Kakashi. I am quite used to it" Hiruzen said waving off Kakashi.

"Come on Panda-hime, I have so much I want to tell you" Naruto/Kitsune said gleefully.

"What about your team Kitsune?" Tenten asked.

"What about them?" Naruto/Kitsune asked like they didn't matter.

This again riled up two members of team 7, but before they could shout they were pinned to the ground with several shadow clones standing over them. And by pinned they were pinned to the ground by multiple kunai stuck through their clothes and into the ground. They were shocked and surprised. It all happened so fast that not even Kakashi caught what Naruto did.

"Let me up loser" Sasuke ordered.

"Yeah, you idiot let us go!" Sakura screamed.

Hiruzen sighed. He knew that he couldn't be able to stop this.

"Now, now we've got work to do" one clone said.

"Yes, an operation to perform" a second clone said.

"Procedures that are extremely delicate of nature" a third clone said.

All of the clones wore foxy grins on their faces as they looked down on Sasuke and Sakura. This made the two very uneasy.

"Wh-what kind of procedure?" Sakura asked.

"Why Operation: Howler Monkey Removal" a fourth clone said.

"And Operation: Emo Stick Removal" a fifth clone said.

Several other clones pulled out items for the operations. These items included pliers, long bladed handsaws that looked dulled, pruning shears, a couple wicked looking knives with jagged and serrated blades, a lock cutter, a toilet scrubber, a rubber ducky, a couple of ping-pongs and ping-pong paddles, etc.

A couple of other clones were doing other things. One was washing their hands in a big porcelain white basin. While other were pulling out medical equipment. They were all quite busy.

"Wh-wh-what are you going to do with those?" Sakura asked scared as she stared at all the things that have been laid out.

"We must use all methods available" the third clone said.

"And what about that one?" Sakura asked.

The clone she was talking to just had put on long green latex gloves on.

"I'm here to give you enemas" the clone said.

"Enemas, why the hell would we need those?" Sasuke asked even though he had no idea what an enema was at all. But it didn't sound good at all.

"To give you a sense of accomplishment" the clone said with a cheerful grin before slipping on a surgeon's mask.

The other clones did the same putting on their surgeons masks as they were all dressed in the same green medical scrubs along with those plastic booties on their feet.

"Kitsune, enough" Tenten said sternly.

"Awww, Panda-hime, just a little bit more. We promise we won't physically harm them in any way" the clone that was holding a pruning shears whined.

"Yeah, we're just going to mentally scar them for a couple hours. Nothing permanent" another clone said.

"At least we think it'll be nothing permanent" yet another clone said.

"No Kitsune, they're your teammates. You don't hurt your team" Tenten said sternly.

"Fine" all the clones said then disappeared along with all their operating tools.

This just left the real Kitsune standing there pouting about his fun being taken away.

Sasuke and Sakura were free from being pinned by kunai. They were shaky and freaked out. They moved as far away as possible from Naruto/Kitsune not wanting to get involved with whatever happened next.

"You never let me have any great fun Panda-hime" Naruto pouted as he folded his arms.

"Oh Kitsune, that's not true and you know it" Tenten said as he wrapped her arms around Naruto/Kitsune's neck.

"Yeah, guess you're right" Naruto/Kitsune said wrapping his arms around Tenten's waist.

"Um, Lord Hokage?" Kakashi asked.

"Hm, oh yes, I suppose you'll need an explanation to this. You and your team come in tomorrow and you'll get it" Hiruzen said like he was totally unaware at what had just transpired.

Kakashi just nodded and he dismissed his team.

"Come on Panda-hime, I haven't be around for a while. Lets have some fun" Naruto/Kitsune said with a wide grin.

Everyone in the village of Konoha felt violent shivers down their backs.

/Scene Break/

Hiruzen sighed as he sat back in his chair. Before him was a huge pile of paperwork. All of it was from the damage Naruto had caused. So far since Naruto, or should he say Kitsune, had returned the entire village has been in a constant state of fear.

Produce in the grocery stores and markets snapping and attacking patrons, random exploding tags going off sending shinobi and civilian alike dancing about in attempts to avoid the low-grade explosives, all of the Hyugas underwear was tie-dyed shocking pink that glowed so bright you could see it through their pants no matter how dark their pants were nor how many layers they wore. Not to mention that on the rear of all the Hyuga underwear in big letters it said, 'all deposits in the rear' their hair an electric yellow and spiked up like Don King's, the Inuzukas were all wearing dog collars that read, 'bend me over, I'm a doggy', and many other disturbances.

But with all of this going on the one thing on Hiruzen's mind was what had happened on that mission to change Naruto that made him shift to Kitsune.

/Scene Break/

The next day and everyone was still cleaning up after Naruto/Kitsune's initial rampage. In the Hokage's office team 7 minus Naruto was there.

"Good, you're here" Hiruzen said.

"Um, shouldn't we wait for Naruto?" Sakura asked.

"No, though this involves him, he isn't needed to explain things" Hiruzen said, "now Kakashi, tell me what happened."

So Kakashi gave his report and Hiruzen sat back. When it came to the fight on the bridge everything connected.

"So Naruto was put in a situation of extreme stress" Hiruzen said.

"Uh, yes sir. But does that have something to do with what we saw yesterday?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes, sadly it does I am afraid" Hiruzen said with a frown.

"You see, when Naruto was just a child he was caught and severely beaten by a mob. This somehow damaged his psyche so bad that his mind split into two. One side is the Naruto we all know and the other is his altered personality Kitsune. Now don't ask me why he decided to call himself that. I've tried asking and he never gives me an answer, well, an answer that makes sense. Anyway, the Yamanaka did their best to block off the Kitsune part, but when Naruto is in extremely stressful situations Kitsune can appear. Now Kitsune loves playing pranks as you've probably already heard by now. This goes with a fox's playful nature. But Kitsune can be very dangerous since he doesn't seem to have any control til he met Tenten. She's the only one who can stand and handle Kitsune really" Hiruzen said.

"Sir, why wasn't I told of this?" Kakashi asked.

"I didn't think of it at the time, besides this is a secret and not something to put in an academy student's file where anyone could read" Hiruzen said.

"So is he stuck like that?" Sakura asked.

"I don't know, I honestly don't" Hiruzen said with a heavy sigh.

"HEEEEEEY OLD MAN!"

Everyone turned to the window to see Naruto/Kitsune standing there on the windowsill. But he wasn't wearing his typical orange jumpsuit. What he was wearing was black bodysuit with blood red stripes that ran along his ribcage like tiger stripes, the bodysuit had a hood that Naruto was wearing at the moment. He was wearing fingerless gloves with metal spikes on the knuckles and black combat boots that were steel-toed. On his back was a rucksack. He was also wearing a dusty brown cloak over the bodysuit that had many pockets.

"Hello Kitsune, new look?" Hiruzen asked.

"Yeah, had to ditch whatever the hell I was wearing. It just didn't suit me" Naruto/Kitsune said then hopped inside.

"Don't think you'll get a date with me because you tried to dress cool. Sasuke is still cooler than you" Sakura said.

"Why the hell would I want to go out with such a screeching loud flat-chest pink thing like you when I have Panda-hime, my one true love?" Naruto/Kitsune asked.

Sakura shrieked as she charged in to punch Naruto. But she forgot this wasn't the same Naruto she had always dealt with. As she got close Naruto/Kitsune side stepped the wild punch and grabbed her wrist. He yanked it back sharply causing her to gasp loudly in pain, then he pinned her arm behind her back and slammed her to the ground hard. He kept her arm pinned with his knee as he pulled her head up by her hair.

This all happened in a matter of seconds that surprised Kakashi and Sasuke since they never saw Naruto move so fast ever. Hiruzen had though.

"Kitsune, release Sakura" Hiruzen said calmly.

"In a minute old man, pinkie the androgynous here needs a haircut" Kitsune said.

He then pulled out a kunai and began cut all of Sakura's hair off til it was in a messy short crop cut. Sakura cried out as she tried to get out of Naruto's pin, but since she never trained a day in her life he couldn't. When he was done there was locks of pink hair everywhere.

"There, now you look better, butch" Kitsune said.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Sakura screamed as she pulled out a kunai.

Before Hiruzen could stop her she stabbed Kitsune, but Kitsune then turned into a big blob of blood that then turned to a big puddle on the floor. Sakura gasped and jumped back from the now pool of blood on the floor. She just stared at it with shock and horror. She had also dropped the kunai too.

"What was that?" Kakashi asked surprised.

"A blood clone" Hiruzen said.

"Blood clone, what's a blood clone?" Sasuke asked.

"It's a clone that is made up of the user's own blood" Tenten said.

This had everyone turn to Tenten. She had entered the office without being noticed.

"Sorry for interrupting, but I knew Kitsune would be here and came to keep an eye on him" Tenten said.

"A wise move, I should've thought of it" Hiruzen said.

"Why do like to spoil my fun Panda-hime" Kitsune said as he popped up from behind the couch.

"Someone has to Kitsune, what, you don't like spending time with me?" Tenten asked as she protruded her bottom lip and let it quiver a bit.

"No, I love spending time with you my Panda-hime" Naruto said as he rushed into a tight embrace with Tenten. Tenten smiled as she hugged Kitsune back.

Again this was so weird for team 7.

"As of right now I am putting your team on hold Kakashi. There's no telling how long Kitsune will be around and I can't risk the village from any more harm than what Kitsune can do" Hiruzen said.

"ALRIGHT, VACATION!" Kitsune shouted.

"Tenten, you'll have to be with Kitsune to keep him under control. So you're relieved of your duties on team 9. I'll let your sensei know" Hiruzen said.

Tenten nodded. She knew this was more important than her team. She knew without her presence Kitsune could get out of control. She had a bit of a calming affect on Kitsune and was the only one that could make him behave, somewhat. She sometimes gets tugged into whatever mayhem Kitsune was into. What she couldn't help it, he just knew how to pluck at her heartstrings.

"Good, you're all dismissed" Hiruzen said.

"Come on Panda-hime, let's go" Kitsune said as he wrapped an arm around Tenten's waist and they went out the window.

/Scene Break/

The next few days Tenten spent with Kitsune. It was a lot of fun since she hadn't been with Kitsune for a while. At the moment Kitsune and Tenten were eating at Ichiraku. It was the only place that wasn't phased by the appearance of Kitsune. Ayame and Teuchi just greeted Kitsune like a customer returning.

"My ramen princess I've returned" Kitsune greeted in a charming debonair way as he kissed Ayame's hand.

Ayame giggled.

"Always the charmer, huh Kitsune" she said with a smile and a nice pink hue on her cheeks.

"But of course, but I always keep my true attentions to my Panda-hime" Kitsune said.

Tenten smiled and ordered her ramen and Kitsune did the same.

"Tenten, what brought Kitsune back?" Ayame asked.

"It happened on Naruto's last mission. It was supposed to be a usual C rank, escort a bridge builder home, but it turned into an A rank really. I don't know a lot of the details since Kitsune doesn't feel like sharing them. But whatever happened Naruto isn't here any more and I don't know if it's permanent" Tenten said.

"I see" Ayame said with a slight frown.

Even though she really liked Kitsune she always missed when Naruto was gone since she enjoyed the sunny blond a lot.

Tenten and Kitsune ate their ramen and then paid for it. They left only for Tenten to run into her team.

"Yosh! Tenten my most youthful student. I've heard some most alarming news" Guy said.

"Hi Guy sensei" Tenten greeted with a sigh.

Naruto wasn't paying much attention as he stared Tenten's two teammates. He looked the two up and down like he was analyzing them in some way.

"Panda-hime, who's the Emo princess?" Kitsune asked.

"Kitsune, that's Neji Hyuga. He's a guy" Tenten said.

"What the, that can't be a guy. It's got long hair. Do looks like a woman" Kitsune said pointing at the Hyuga.

Neji Hyuga glared at Kitsune.

"Hey, I know" Kitsune said with a grin.

He then began to perform hand signs.

"Entrance Music Jutsu!" He called.

Nothing happened.

"What was that supposed to be?" Neji asked.

"Oh, it's a jutsu I made. You see, whenever you enter anywhere music will play" Kitsune said.

There was confusion in this.

"Observe" Kitsune said.

He dropped his rucksack that he always carried around and then opened it up and began to rummage through it.

"Ah!" He then pulled out a doorframe. He set it up.

"Go on, walk on through" he said.

Neji looked dubious about this and wasn't going to when he was shoved through the doorframe by a clone Kitsune had made without hand seals.

Soon music began to play.

_(Dude Looks Like a Lady by Aerosmith)_

"What in the world?" Guy asked.

"See, awesome isn't" Kitsune said extremely proud of himself.

Neji just glared at Kitsune.

"Guy sensei, is this youthful or not?" a boy, who looked disturbing similar to Guy, asked.

"I'm not sure Lee" Guy said with a frown.

"Panda-hime, what are they talking about?" Kitsune asked confused.

"You don't want to know Kitsune" Tenten said.

"Huh, why?" Kitsune asked squinty eyed.

"Trust me, you don't want to know" Tenten said.

Kitsune just shrugged then his eye caught something else and grinned. Tenten saw this and sighed as she knew this could be more trouble, but followed since she also felt the fun thrill of what was possibly to come.

**End of Chapter**

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**A/N: okay, so this the first chap of this story. This is probably going to be one of the oddest story I'll ever write since it won't have a lot of rhyme or reason. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

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_I don't own Naruto at all_

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**A/N: I decided to do a double post since most of you have read the first chap when you read this in my Naruto Story Ideas story. Okay, here's the second chap and the same disclaimer I used in the last chap applies still. So sit back read, laugh and enjoy. That's all, no thinking really involved.**

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**Chapter 2**

It was just another day in Konoha that's when loud screams pierced the air. Okay, maybe it wasn't going to be a normal day after all. Ever since Kitsune had re-emerged the whole village was on edge, everyone was on guard shinobi and civilian alike. Not knowing if they'd be the next target of Kitsune's pranks. It was nerve-wracking not knowing what could be around the corner. There had been pit traps right in the middle of the street to falling anvils ala Looney Tunes landing on several unsuspecting persons. Then there were the numerous ACME products being used. A constant state of fear had swept throughout the village. Though it did keep all shinobi on high alert, so it did have an unseen perk.

Now back to the screaming, well, those screams came from the Akimichi compound. The entire big boned family had just finished eating when they all got mighty powerful diarrhea. It was so bad, it was painful and the stench carried all the way over to the Inuzuka compound. The Akimichi compound would need to be fumigated for weeks before it could be lived in again.

"Ah music to my ears, don't you just love to start the day with a massive prank Panda-hime?" Kitsune asked as he gazed upon the village with a wide grin.

Tenten shook her head. She couldn't believe that she went along with this one. She helped Kitsune gather all the very special laxatives that were needed in this prank.

"Come on Panda-hime, I think the Emo Duck needs a good wedgie, maybe that will loosen the rod up his butt" Kitsune said then hopped off his perch.

Tenten followed.

/Scene Break/

Sasuke was in the middle of training. It didn't bother him that his team was on reserve. They just slowed him down anyway. He had a mission he needed to complete, a goal, an ambition. Nothing was going to deter him at all. He was an avenger, he would go off alone to complete his task. All he needed was a bad ass cape that could whip around him whenever he moved. Yeah, that would be so sweet.

"HEYYYYYYY EMO DUCK!"

Sasuke turned and saw Kitsune and Tenten standing there. How'd they get in though was the question racing through his mind.

"What are you doing here loser?" he grunted.

WEDGIE" Kitsune shouted.

Sasuke felt his under shorts get yanked up and then he felt the waistband get pulled over his head.

"Kitsune, did you just give the last Uchiha an atomic wedgie?" Tenten asked.

"Yeah, I was going to do a normal one, but thought why stop there" Kitsune said with a wide grin.

The two watched as Sasuke struggled to remove the waistband of his underwear from his head, but it was so tight. His head was craned back almost painfully. His arms were flailing around and he could while his groin was being totally squished.

"No wonder he's always in a grumpy mood, he wears tight panties" Kitsune said.

Tenten just watched in amusement then pulled out a camera. This was too good to not capture. Maybe she can make flyers and send them around.

/Scene Break/

Team 8 were in the middle of training. Their sensei Kurenai Yuhi was watching over them all and was pleased with their progress. She was thinking about nominating her team for the upcoming chunin exams. She knew they'd be held within the village this year and that meant her team would have the home field advantage.

"YAY! Fresh meat!"

This had team 8 turn and they saw Kitsune staring at them with a very scary grin. All of them felt a sense of dread though they weren't sure why they were feeling it.

"Is that Naruto?" Kiba asked.

"It appears so, but there's something different about him. My bugs are telling me to be wary of him" Shino said.

Hinata just stared with pink cheeks and poking her two index fingers together.

Kurenai just frowned.

Tenten just shook her head as she was standing by Kitsune's side.

"Hey loser, what's with the get-up?" Kiba asked as he looked at Kitsune's black bodysuit.

"Why do you smell like dog pee?" Kitsune asked.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Kiba shouted.

"Actually I am curious about that too" Shino said.

Kiba just stared at Shino with an indescribable look. Akamaru whimpered.

"So it's true, mongrels actually do roll in their own filth" Kitsune said in an observant tone.

"That's it, you're dead loser!" Kiba screamed.

The young Inuzuka charged Kitsune before Kurenai could say a thing, but the crafty fox evaded Kiba and slapped a seal on the back of his neck.

"Hey, what was that?" Kiba asked.

"Oh, just a special seal" Kitsune said.

"What kind of special seal Kitsune?" Tenten asked curiously.

"One that if pee-pee here thinks perverted thoughts he gets hurt" Kitsune said.

"What do you me-URK!" Kiba cried as he fell to the ground clutching his groin.

"What did you do to my student?" Kurenai asked.

"Just having some fun" Kitsune said then he walked over to the two remaining members of team 8. He looked them over. Shino stayed still while Hinata tried to hide herself by trying to bury her head deeper into her oversized coat.

"You're alright buggy, in fact I give you a gift" Kitsune said. He then dropped his rucksack and rummaged through it. "Ah! Here it is." He then pulled out a box.

"What is this?" Shino asked.

"Condoms" Kitsune said brightly.

"Kitsune, where did you- never mind I don't want to know where you got those" Tenten said shaking her head.

Shino just stared at the box, but then it was shoved into his hands.

"Enjoy, and remember safe sex is safer for everyone" Kitsune said like he was on a PSA.

Kurenai just stared at Kitsune unable to say a thing. Just who the hell was this kid?

Kitsune then went to Hinata and looked her over.

"I think you'd look hotter if you took off that jacket and showed off that amazing rack you have" Kitsune said flashing her a grin.

Hinata's blush went epic and she was just seconds away from passing out.

"That is quite rude" Kurenai said sternly.

"What, I am speaking the truth" Kitsune said.

Kurenai sighed as she rubbed her temples.

"Where's your team?" she asked.

"Oh, them" Kitsune said in a bored tone as he was trying to get Hinata out of her coat.

"Yes, them" Kurenai said through gritted teeth.

"Our teams have been put on reserve" Tenten said.

"Why?" Kurenai asked.

Tenten hesitated since she wasn't sure what to say. Kitsune though however was still trying to get Hinata out of jacket. It was amazing that Hinata had yet to faint. Though she was putting up a fierce resistance. In her mind though there was a war raging since one part of her wanted to let Naruto take her coat off and the other didn't want to Naruto to see her without her coat.

"Kitsune!" Tenten shouted.

"Eh, what?" Kitsune asked as he kept trying to pry Hinata's jacket off.

"Stop that" Tenten said.

"Fine, later" Kitsune said winking at Hinata, who promptly fainted dead away.

"Well it's been fun, gotta go. Panda-hime, TALLY-HO!" Kitsune exclaimed.

He then leapt away with Tenten shaking her head and following after him.

/Scene Break/

Hiruzen sighed as he rubbed his forehead. Standing in front of him was Kurenai Yuhi. She came in angry because of Kitsune's actions with her team.

"I want him punished lord Hokage" Kurenai said.

"I would if I could Kurenai" Hiruzen said.

"Why can't you sir?" Kurenai asked.

"Jounin Yuhi, what I am going to tell you can't go any further than this room. You can't speak a word to it to anyone" Hiruzen said seriously.

Kurenai just nodded.

Hiruzen gave Kurenai a short version of Kitsune and she was shocked by it all.

"So you're saying the village did it, they created him?" she asked.

"Yes" Hiruzen said.

"But there has to be a way to get him back to normal" Kurenai said.

"There isn't Inoichi and Ibiki have tried, but there was nothing. The best course of action was to let it run its course and hope Naruto will return" Hiruzen said.

He remembered back the attempts Inoichi and Ibiki tried and they ended up needing therapy since Kitsune brought on terror that not even the kyuubi could ever reach. He himself shivered at the thought of what Kitsune had done to two of the best men in the village that can deal with the mind.

"But we don't know when that will be" Kurenai said.

"No, we don't" Hiruzen said tiredly.

"So the only thing that keeps this Kitsune restrained is this Tenten girl?" Kurenai asked.

"Yes, without her I fear that they'd be no barrier to protect us from Kitsune. Sure, he plays pranks on anyone he thinks needs them, but I believe without her then Kitsune's pranks might turn malicious to even deadly really" Hiruzen said.

Kurenai shivered as she remembered hearing some of the big pranks that Kitsune had done and knew if it was an enemy than there'd be deaths instead of harmless pranks.

/Scene Break/

The next day team 10 was training as Kitsune and Tenten came by.

"Oooooh, more play-things!" Kitsune exclaimed.

Tenten just sighed and followed Kitsune.

Team 10 looked at the duo.

"What's that loser going on about?" Ino asked with a snort.

Shikamaru though was more wary. Something was different with Naruto. Like this person wasn't Naruto at all. So the Nara would be keeping his guard up just in case.

As for Chouji, he was confused to what was going on. Naruto was very different today.

Asuma sighed. He had heard about Kitsune from stories and the recent happenings. He never thought he'd see him. He was worried what he'd do to him and his team.

Kitsune walked over to team 10 and looked them over nodding his head. He then went Chouji first and fished out of his rucksack a book and handed it to the big-boned boy.

"Uh, what's this?" Chouji asked.

"Kama Sutra the Ultimate Edition. Guaranteed to give not only you, but your partner the greatest pleasure" Kitsune said.

Tenten sighed. She wasn't even going to ask where Kitsune got the book.

"YOU PERVERT!" Ino shouted.

"Wow! That's a nice pair of lungs you go there" Kitsune said as he cleaned out his ears with his pinkie.

He then went over to Shikamaru.

"You have an inkling to what's going on here, so I am going to give you some advice…."

Shikamaru was curious to this advice and leaned in. What he was met with was a big pie on the face.

"EAT A LOT OF PIE!" Kitsune shouted.

Shikamaru wiped the remnants of pie off his face.

"Troublesome" he muttered.

Kitsune then went to Ino and she stepped back cautiously.

"Come on, I promise it will only hurt once and I'll be real gentle" he said with a wide smile on his face.

"Y-y-y-y-you're sick" Ino stuttered.

Kitsune paused and got into his thinking pose. He then pulled out something from his rucksack. It was a podium. He then pulled out a tweed jacket and a pair of glasses. He put them on and stood up on the podium.

"I suppose we're all sick in certain ways. Why the world is full of sick people. Some physically sick and others mentally or emotionally sick. But we shouldn't judge them by it. We should embrace them and encourage them to try and face their sickness, overcome it so they can live somewhat normal lives. They are people after all, no matter how sick they are. There's a horrible stigma on people who are considered sick and I say this stigma must be halted. We must embrace all those who are sick around us since aren't they still humans deep down inside" Kitsune said.

Tenten sighed as she shook her head.

"Kitsune, please get off your soapbox" she said.

"Fine Panda-hime" Kitsune said as he hopped off the soapbox that he was standing on behind the podium.

"What the hell is wrong with you loser?" Ino asked.

"A lot is wrong with me screamer, but I am at one with my problems, are you?" Kitsune asked in a very zen like way.

Ino didn't even know what to say to that.

As for Asuma he was nervous. Then he saw Kitsune walk up to him. He rummaged through his rucksack and pulled out something and handed it to him. Asuma was nervous to take it.

"Take it smokestack, it's the finest tobacco I could find and roll" Kitsune said.

Asuma took it and opened the pack and found it was cigarettes. He pulled one out and sniffed it and it smelled fine. So he lit it up and he began to see and smell things that weren't even there. He was tripping out.

"ASUMA-SENSEI!" Ino shouted.

"Kitsune, what did you do?" Tenten asked.

"Just gave them a bit more buzz adding a lot of psychedelic mushrooms and stuff" Kitsune said like it was no big deal.

Tenten just shook her head.

"Well lets be off, more people to visit" Kitsune said.

He and Tenten left as team 10 tried to get through to their drug-addled sensei. Well, Ino and Shikamaru were trying to help Asuma. Chouji was looking through the book he got with bright red cheeks.

_Damn, I need to know where Kitsune got this shit. It's so far out_ Asuma thought.

/Scene Break/

A loud explosion was heard and it came from the guard station at the gate. Izumo and Kotetsu came out of the now blown up and smoking guard station coughing.

"Damnit Izumo, I told you not to open that box" Kotetsu said.

"But it said it wasn't a bomb" Izumo said.

"And you believe that" Kotetsu said incredulously.

"Well yeah, it said on the tag specifically that it wasn't a bomb" Izumo said.

Kotetsu so wanted to beat his friend up for being so stupid, but he began to get itchy.

"Damnit, itching powder" he cursed.

He and Izumo began to scratch everywhere, but couldn't get any relief. They got so involved in their predicament that they didn't notice a crowd gathering.

"Shit, we got to strip to scratch" Izumo said.

"That's the smartest thing you've said all day" Kotetsu said.

So they stripped themselves of their clothes as they kept scratching. There were loud gasps and this made the two chunin stop in their tracks.

"Shit" they both uttered.

/Scene Break/

On a rooftop above the action Kitsune sat laughing his ass off. Tenten was with him.

"That wasn't any normal itching powder" Tenten commented.

"Very deductive my lovely Panda-hime" Kitsune said as he smoked a pipe and was wearing a deerstalker.

Tenten rolled her eyes.

"What kind of itching powder was it Kitsune?" she asked.

"My own little invention" Kitsune said with a foxy grin.

"Are you going to tell me?" Tenten asked.

"Of course Panda-hime, I could never keep secrets from you" Kitsune said.

Tenten waited.

"That itching powder is mixed with certain other things that makes it stick to the skin better and makes it harder to wash off. In fact if water comes into contact with it then it gets worse, not better" Kitsune said.

"And how do you get rid of it?" Tenten asked.

"Bath in pure olive oil. That stuff is the only way to remove my special itching powder" Kitsune said.

Tenten shook her head. She was always amazed how creative and innovative Kitsune could be when he felt like it, which was most of the time.

/Scene Break/

There was loud commotion going on in the council chambers. The civilian side was shouting loudly about all the pranks they've be under siege with and how they were losing business because of it. The shinobi side was annoyed by all the shouting. Hiruzen finally quieted everyone down.

"You have got to do something to stop that hell beast" a civilian shouted.

"And what do you suppose I do?" Hiruzen asked.

"KILL HIM!" many shouted.

The shinobi side disagreed to this. Yes, Kitsune was a big nuisance, but he was also helping them by revealing all the security holes they had not only around the village, but their own compounds too. It humbled them some. But yeah, they still didn't like getting pranked.

"I will not do that against one of my own shinobi" Hiruzen said firmly.

"But he must be stopped. I am losing so much money to that demon" another civilian said angrily.

Hiruzen snapped his fingers and Anbu took the council member away. This shocked the council.

"He broke my law" Hiruzen said plainly.

The sound of clapping was heard and everyone turned to see Kitsune there standing on the ceiling.

"Good show old boy, a jolly good show" Kitsune said in a posh British accent.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" a pink haired shrieker shouted.

"Wow, two howlers. I didn't know it had spread" Kitsune said as he cleaned his ear out with his pinkie.

"Kitsune, what are you doing here?" Hiruzen asked with a sigh.

"Eh, I was bored" Kitsune said.

This made everyone go on alert. If Kitsune was bored than that meant they might be his next target.

"So which one of you wants to be my next victim?" Kitsune asked with a wide grin.

This made everyone in the room sweat. They began pointing fingers at each other in hopes drawing attention away from themselves.

Kitsune watched all of this amused. He wasn't actually bored, but was playing a mind game with them all. That was just as fun as actually pranking them.

"Oh, so many choices. So hard to decide. I mean, what _hadn't _I done to you all" Kitsune said as he tapped his chin as he eyed the civilian council with devious eyes.

The shinobi side did their best to contain their laughter. Watching Kitsune mess with the civilian side was very amusing. Finally Tsume Inuzuka broke as she roared with laughter thumping her fist on the table.

"I am so glad I amuse you my dog goddess" Kitsune said.

Tsume stopped and turned to find that Kitsune was now by her side.

"How'd you get here so fast?" she asked.

The rest of the shinobi council noticed this and that was the same question on their mind too.

"I walked" Kitsune answered.

This made them all look at Kitsune with an incredulous expression.

"But my dog goddess, I wish to ask for your permission to pursue your dog maiden" Kitsune said.

"Eh?" Tsume asked.

"He means he wants to pursue your daughter Hana" Shikaku said.

The rest wondered how Shikaku understood Kitsune.

"Ah, I see you have been reading my Kitsune Dictionary, Sir Lazy Butt" Kitsune said as he bowed to the head of the Nara clan.

"I have though it was quite troublesome" Shikaku said tiredly.

"Use it well my son, for many answers will be found in that book" Kitsune said in a solemn Priest tone. He was also dressed as a priest to match his voice.

"Kitsune, we're in the middle of a meeting, is there something you needed?" Hiruzen asked.

"Yeah, the chunin exams are coming up. I want in" Kitsune said.

"You want to participate in the chunin exams?" Hiruzen asked in total surprise.

"Sure, could be fun. Besides I need new targets. These are all getting stale" Kitsune said as he gestured to the civilian side of the council.

Kitsune's request was granted faster than you could say yes really. The civilian council shouted their approval in hopes for Kitsune to leave the chambers and them alone.

"Great, I can't wait. And for those who voiced their consent I'll be leaving prizes at your homes. Bye" Kitsune said.

The chamber emptied faster than ever before as the civilian council ran to their homes in hopes to stop whatever Kitsune's prize was for activating. This left the chamber pretty much empty.

"Well old man, you can go back to work" Kitsune said.

/Scene Break/

Hana blink as she stared at her mother.

"Mom, are you insane?" she asked.

"No, I'm complete sane honey" Tsume said.

"But why did you agree to such a thing?" Hana asked.

"Honey, you're not getting any younger. Kitsune seems interested in you. So why not" Tsume said.

"But he's always with that Tenten girl. What chance do I have?" Hana asked then paused at what she said. _What the hell did I say, I don't want to be courted by him_ she thought.

"Aww, why not my Dog Maiden, you're as lovely as a Golden Retriever and as fierce as an Alaskan Husky" Kitsune said.

Hana jumped hearing Kitsune's voice then looked to see him standing right by her.

"How did you get here and how long have you been there?" she asked.

"I walked to get here and I've been here for a while my Dog Maiden" Kitsune said.

"Why are you calling me that?" Hana asked.

"What 'Dog Maiden'?" Kitsune asked.

Hana nodded.

"Why not" Kitsune said.

Hana groaned as she rubbed her temples.

Tsume grinned at this. _This ought to be fun_ she thought.

**End of Chapter**

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**A/N: and that's the end of the second chap of this wacky story. This story will be updated when I can get to it. So please be patient since there will be periods of time will this won't be updated, but it won't mean I have abandoned it. Just I can only write this zaniness in spurts. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

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_I don't own Naruto at all_

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**A/N: so Hana seems to be in the running of joining Kitsune's band with Panda-hime. But I have plans for Hana or should I say Dog Maiden, but they'll have to wait til after the chunin exams since I want to get that done and over with then back to Hana. Also I've got reviews comparing Kitsune to Deadpool. I want you to know that this is a coincidence since I've never read a Deadpool comic or even familiar with Deadpool at all.**

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**Chapter 3**

Kitsune had a grin on his face as he stood waiting for his team. Sasuke and Sakura appeared. Both keeping their distance from Kitsune. Sakura's hair was growing back though she had to have it properly cut after Kitsune hacked her hair off so it could grow back correctly. Sasuke looked like he still had his undies up over his head.

"Eh, looks like Pervy the One Eye is going to be late. I'd better get him" Kitsune said the dashed off.

In no time at all Kakashi was being dragged by Kitsune by the back of his collar.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO KAKASHI SENSEI?" Sakura shrieked.

"I got him here" Kitsune answered.

"She means how'd you do it loser" Sasuke grunted.

"Oh easy. I just snuck up behind him and kicked him in the balls. He dropped like a rock" Kitsune said.

Sasuke and Sakura just blinked. Both totally shocked.

"I'll never live this down. Snuck up on by a genin and taken down" Kakashi mumbled.

"Yeah, yeah. Now that we're all here it's time for me to announce we're going to be in the chunin exams. So best get ready to have your asses handed to you all" Kitsune said in a super excited manner.

"What are the chunin exams?" Sakura asked confused.

"Huh, so that big forehead is just for show. It actually has no real function at all" Kitsune said.

Sakura screeched as she went to lash out at Kitsune forgetting who she was dealing with. Her fist never connected. Instead she spun around like a top due to throwing all of her weight into the punch.

"You know you might be able to get more weight in your punches if you had anything on your chest" Kitsune commented.

"Shut up. Besides Sasuke likes girls with my kind of figure" Sakura said with red blotchy cheeks.

"Eh, okay, so what you're saying is Emo Duck likes boys" Kitsune said.

"Sasuke doesn't like boys!" Sakura shouted.

"But you just said he likes girls with your kind of figure and your figure is quite boy like. So Sasuke likes boys" Kitsune said.

Kakashi actually thought Kitsune's argument had merit.

"Now I am saying nothing is wrong with that. I mean everyone should have the right to love who ever they want to love no matter the body shape or their sex preference. Everyone deserves love. From the smallest babe to the biggest person love should always be given to those not matter what. It is love that keeps the world at peace and harmony. The mighty philosophers Paul, Ringo, John and George said, 'All you need is Love'" Kitsune said as he was once again up on his soapbox podium.

Kakashi blinked and wondered when Kitsune pulled that out. He never saw it coming. He then shrugged and went to read his Icha Icha. But as his eyes began to move across the page he fell back screaming. He threw the book away from himself.

"MY EYES, MY EYES!"

"Huh, oh, I was wondering when you'd get my gift" Kitsune said now off his soapbox podium that had disappeared from sight.

"What was it?" Sasuke asked as he picked up the now discarded book.

"Oh, just a graphic history of homosexuality in color and in amazing 3D" Kitsune said.

Sasuke looked and began flipping pages.

"Huh, so you were right Howler. He does like guys" Kitsune said.

Sakura just stared looking quite shocked at what she was seeing. It couldn't be real, it had to be a dream, yeah, it had to be a dream. Anytime now she'd wake up.

"Yes, it is all a dream, my precious little butt humper doesn't like any butt, but mine, it's all a dream, just a dream. I shall wake up and know that there's only butt he will want to hump and that it mine, all mine" Kitsune whispered in Sakura's ear like he was trying to hypnotize her.

"Kitsune" Tenten said.

Kitsune turned to Tenten, who had appeared on the team 7's training ground since her team had already parted ways after her sensei announced their nomination to the chunin exams.

"Shhhh Panda-hime, I am about to make her think she's an actual howler monkey and she likes to throw her poopy all over people" he said with a grin.

"Kitsune, it's not nice to do that to your team" Tenten said sternly.

"Yeah, but it's fun" Kitsune countered.

Tenten shook her head.

/Scene Break/

Kitsune stretched his arms as he wandered around he was bored. Since announcing to his team they'd be in the chunin exams he had nothing to do. Well, that wasn't really true. He still pranked the hell out of certain people and clans, but that had lost most if its flair. He needed new challenges, victims. It didn't mean it had gotten totally boring either. But there was only so many times you can prank someone til they get wise. So Kitsune needed fresh meat and a new strategy.

"Kitsune, I do need to train for the chunin exams" Tenten said.

"But that's boring Panda-hime. Why train when it's much more fun messing with everyone and everything?" Kitsune asked.

"I'd like to advance to chunin" Tenten said.

Kitsune paused in thought then stopped and got on one knee taking Tenten's hand.

"Very well my beloved Panda-hime. I shall help train you for the chunin exams so you can kick all sorts of ass and be the baddest ass kunoichi ever" he announced.

Tenten smiled at this. Kitsune was many things that would be associated with being crazy, but he did really care for her and if she wanted something he'd help her in any way possible so she could get it. Whether it would be legal was up for debate however.

"Great, lets go to a training ground" she said.

/Scene Break/

Tenten felt good. She had been training with Kitsune's clones and that got her skills sharpened and she worked on other things too. Sure, she did some training with her team, but she liked working on her own and Kitsune's clones were a godsend. She didn't have to worry about actually harming Kitsune at all and go all out on the clones. Plus when she hit the clones they always did overly dramatic death acting. It was kind of funny.

Right now she and Kitsune were walking enjoying the day. That's when they saw three figures run by them.

"What the?!" Tenten asked.

"Come Panda-hime, I have a feeling excitement has come" Kitsune said with a grin.

Tenten sighed and followed Kitsune. They found a little kid being held up by their collar by what appears to be a Suna nin. Kitsune got a big grin on his face.

"Little brat, I am going to teach you some manners" the Suna nin growled.

"Kankuro, knock it off" the Suna kunoichi said in an annoyed tone.

"Yeah, yeah just let me get this out of the way" Kankuro said.

He then pulled his fist back and slammed it into the kid's face. But got a surprise. As soon as his fist hit the kid he exploded with a burst of bright neon pink paint that splattered all over him.

"WHAT THE!?" he shouted.

Tenten raised an eyebrow since she knew this was Kitsune's work, but how was the question. Kitsune did a quick switch with the kid and replaced him with his newest innovation, exploding paint clone. An exploding paint clone is pretty much what it says. The clone explodes, but in a burst of paint. Color varies.

But that wasn't the end of the prank. Above Kankuro's head was a big banner that said, 'Congrats, you're a GIRL!' With a flashing green neon arrow pointing down at Kankuro.

The Suna kunoichi looked shocked as she had specks of neon pink paint on her due to being close to Kankuro.

"Who did this?" Kankuro growled as he wiped the pink paint from his eyes.

"Hiya pinkie" Kitsune said waving his hand.

"It was you?" Kankuro growled.

Kitsune just smiled.

"You're dead" Kankuro said as he began to shrug a pack off his back.

"You're going to use Crow?" the Suna kunoichi asked.

"Yeah, this bastard deserves it" Kankuro said.

"Actually you're the ones in trouble" Tenten said stepping in, "you were going to harm a Konoha civilian in front of Konoha shinobi. Suna and Konoha may be allies, but we don't take it kindly when even our allies try to pick on our civilians."

"Not to mention Bobo the clown here was going to hit the Hokage's grandson" Kitsune chirped in. He knew of Konohamaru due to Naruto's memories, which he could access.

"You idiot!" the Suna kunoichi said as she raised and then lowered her big folded fan onto Kankuro's head.

"OW! That hurt Temari" Kankuro grumbled as he rubbed his sore head.

"You're the one who tried to assault a relative of the Hokage idiot" Temari said.

"So you're here for the chunin exams?" Kitsune asked.

"Yeah we are" Temari said.

"Good, then call out your little friend from the tree" Kitsune said.

Soon a swirl of sand appeared and a red haired boy appeared. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes.

"Kankuro, you're a disgrace to the village" he said.

"G-g-g-g-Gaara" Kankuro stuttered.

Kitsune walked up to Gaara and looked him over.

"Hm, you need to loosen up, oh I know" he said as he rummaged through his sack. He then pulled out a doobie the size of a cigar and shoved it into Gaara's mouth. Then he then lit the other end of the doobie and Gaara inhaled.

"Kitsune, is that what I think it is?" Tenten asked.

"Yeah, some of the best shit in the whole world, Panda-hime" Kitsune said proudly.

Tenten again didn't feel like she should ask how Kitsune got these drugs.

Gaara though began puffing on the doobie and when he finished he blew out big smoke rings. As hazy smoke encircled him like clouds around a mountain top.

"Now that's some good shit" he said now as high as a kite.

"What did you do?" Temari asked absolutely stunned at what she was seeing.

"I relaxed him" Kitsune said waiting for her to say thank you.

Temari and Kankuro were very nervous though since they knew what Gaara held. What they didn't know was Kitsune's weed he had put in the doobie was super potent and would've killed normal people, but for jinchuriki like himself this mellowed them out. Even the biju inside. So right now Shukaku was as high as Gaara and wanted munchies, not blood.

"You gots any mores?" Gaara asked with slurred speech.

"Heck yeah, here" Kitsune said as he pulled out 6 one pound bags and handed them to Gaara. As well as handed Gaara some rolling paper and an instruction pamphlet entitled; 'how to roll your own joints in 7 easy steps'.

"Thanks, so going to enjoy this shit" Gaara said as he kept puffing on the doobie.

"Right, glad to be of help" Kitsune said.

"Lets us go my peeps" Gaara said then left as he puffed away.

Temari and Kankuro weren't sure what the heck was going on, but followed Gaara.

/Scene Break/

Soon it was time for the chunin exam and Kitsune met his team just outside.

"Yo! Ready to have your asses handed to you in supreme and hilarious fashion?" Kitsune asked.

Sasuke just brooded and Sakura gulped.

They entered the academy building and made their way up. They found a big crowd of genin milling around a doorway.

"Come on, please let us enter" Tenten pleaded.

"My Panda-hime" Kitsune said.

He then saw one of the ninja blocking the door push Tenten down and Kitsune saw red. No one hurt his Panda-hime. He dashed forward quicker than lightning and had the ninja stripped naked, hog-tied and wearing a diaper with a big red heart on the rump and a pink pacifier in their mouth.

"No one, and I mean no one messes with my Panda-hime" Kitsune growled.

Everyone took a few steps back feeling the immense pressure Kitsune was giving off. They couldn't find any air to breath. Tenten got up and sighed.

"It's alright Kitsune" she said gently.

Kitsune relaxed and that made everyone breath again.

"You alright, Panda-hime?" he asked.

"I'm fine Kitsune" Tenten said.

Kitsune nodded and then looked around and frowned.

"Well, best to get going" he said.

"Hmph, lets leave all the idiots down here under that pathetic excuse of a genjutsu" Sasuke crowed.

"Congrats Emo Duck, you just won the Giant Ass of the Day Award" Kitsune said.

He then handed Sasuke a trophy that had a bronzed naked butt with a plaque underneath that had Sasuke's name, date and the name of the award.

"What is this loser?" Sasuke asked as he looked at the bronzed butt.

"Well Emo Duck, you just messed with the first part of the exam, thus being stupid since this was to weed out competitors" Kitsune said.

"Whatever, I am an Uchiha. I can beat anyone" Sasuke boasted.

"Excellent, really it is. But can you say it with more feeling?" Kitsune asked like he was a director on a movie set. Actually he was sitting in a director's chair with a blow-horn.

"What are you talking about loser?" Sasuke asked with gritted teeth.

"Well, you sound so monologue-ish. I mean, yeesh. Spice it up some" Kitsune said.

None of the genin standing there were sure what to make of Kitsune.

"Kitsune, we need to go so we won't be late" Tenten said.

"Right Panda-hime, let us go Emo Duck and Pink Howler. Your ass kicking is awaiting" Kitsune said.

They headed up with team 9. Kakashi met his team at the door and wished them good luck. When they entered Neji's entrance music began (Dude looks like a Lady by Aerosmith) making everyone in the room look at the group. Neji's eye ticked since he had to deal with this every time he entered a room. No matter what. So every one of the Hyugas always knew where he was really. He couldn't even go to the bathroom without his entrance music playing.

Team 8 and 10 came over though they kept their distance from Kitsune. Kitsune though didn't seem to care as he was with his Panda-hime.

"SASUKE, YOU'RE HERE!" Ino shouted as she leapt at the Uchiha.

She latched on and began to rub herself against her target happily. She then looked up and her eyes went wide. She was actually hugging and rubbing Shikamaru of all people. She screamed as she jumped back. Shikamaru looked very annoyed and red-faced. He so didn't need to know how Ino felt against him like that. It was all so very troublesome.

As for Sasuke, he was right next to Chouji and dressed baby blue onesie that read, 'I'm Emo I Need My Baba and a Diaper Change'.

The rest of the rookie genin were baffled how this all happened while Tenten sighed and looked at Kitsune who looked amused at his work. Some of the other genin in the room laughed at this. It dissolved the tension in the room.

"You know you're a loud bunch" a genin with glasses said.

"And you look like you enjoy getting rogered in the loading docks" Kitsune said.

This had everyone look at Kitsune.

"What, am I the only one who thinks the guy likes getting board from the rear. I mean, all he needs is a shirt that says…" Kitsune said then a devious smile appeared on his face. He went to his rucksack and rummaged through it. He then pulled something out and forcefully put it on the glasses wearing genin.

When it was done the genin was wearing a bright neon shirt with neon pink lettering that boldly said, 'Shipments in the Rear. All Packages must be HUGE'.

Kiba couldn't help himself as he fell over laughing. Other genin in the room laughed again since this was too damn funny.

Tenten shook her head.

The genin wearing the shirt tried to take it off, but couldn't.

"Why can't I get this thing off?" he asked as he wrestled with the shirt.

Kitsune just grinned.

"Fuinjutsu?" Tenten asked Kitsune.

Kitsune smiled as his blue eyes twinkled and that gave Tenten her answer.

"Anyway, you all best be quiet" the glasses wearing genin said.

"Yeah, liked we'd believe you" Kiba snickered.

"Who are you?" Sasuke demanded.

"My name is Kabuto and I've been to these exams" he said.

"How many?" Sakura asked.

"Seven" Kabuto answered.

"Man, you must suck" Kiba barked out.

"He probably does as well as blows too" Kitsune mumbled.

Tenten couldn't help, but smile at this since Kabuto did look like the type to be on his knees.

"I can help you all out. I got these cards that give you info on all the competitors here" Kabuto said.

"Oh, let me see" Kitsune said as he ripped the cards out of Kabuto's hands.

"Hm, junk, junk, junk, not worth much, crap, more crap, this is worthless, no use in a fight, this one looks like it needs to get bedded more, wouldn't trade for a Willie Mays card, definitely toss that one, ugh, what booster pack did you get this from, weaker than a Pikachu card, couldn't even beat a Watapon" Kitsune said as he flipped through the cards like he was looking through baseball cards.

The rookie genin looked at Kitsune like he was mad.

"All worthless" Kitsune surmised as the entire deck went up in smoke.

This shocked everyone, especially Kabuto since it took him so much time to get all the information. Now all lost.

"Dude, why'd you do that?" Kiba asked.

Before Kitsune could answer though he got a customer.

"Yo Kitsune, my homey, I needs some mores of that hot shit" Gaara said as he came over. He had a constant hovering cloud of smoke above him as he was toned out of his freaking mind and his eyes more bloodshot than ever.

"Ah Gaara, my best costumer behind Asuma. How much do you need?" Kitsune asked as his appearance changed to wearing a dark trench coat and looking shifty. The lighting around also seemed to change like he was in a seedy alleyway. In fact it looked like they were in a seedy alley. Kitsune put the scenery up to enhance the mood he wanted as a drug dealer.

"Um, is it just me or is Naruto trying to sell drugs to that Suna nin?" Ino asked.

"He isn't trying, he is" Shikamaru said.

The rest of the rookie genin watched as the deal went down. They all felt uneasy watching it though not sure what to really do.

"Thanks man, I can't get enough of this shit" Gaara said smiling wide in a creep non-bloodthirsty way.

"No problem" Kitsune said with his appearance returning to normal.

"All right brats, shut up and find your seats!"

Ibiki Morino entered the room with several chunin.

"SCAR-HEAD!" Kitsune shouted.

Ibiki froze as he saw Kitsune and beads of sweat appeared.

_Shit, I thought Kitsune wanting to be in the chunin exams was all a rumor_ the head of the T &amp; I thought.

"Anyway, sit in your seat that has been assigned" he said as he kept his composure outwardly. Inside he was freaked. He still had memories of when he tried to seal up the Kitsune part of Naruto's mind.

He was found in ass-less leather chaps and a rhinestone leather vest in a male bordello working all that his momma gave him. And that was what he could remember. There was huge gaps that he really didn't want to ever know about. He just remembered trying to seal the Kitsune part then bam his stripping debut.

Once everyone was seated Ibiki went over the rules.

"The first part of the exam is a test. You all have to answer 10 questions. You also will have 10 points each. Each question you get wrong or miss a point will be deducted. Points will also be deducted if you're found cheating. Your individual points will be connected to your team. So that means if you mess up it affects your team" Ibiki said.

"But there are only 9 questions" Sakura said.

"The Pink Howler can count, how many fingers am I holding up now?" Kitsune asked as he produced five clones and they held up fingers too.

"Enough, I will be giving out the tenth question after 45 minutes. You may begin" Ibiki said with a tick on his forehead.

As the sound of scribbling was going on Kitsune looked absolutely bored. He thought going through the chunin exams would be fun, but it was a snore right now. He wanted to do something, but he didn't want to get thrown out since he wanted to be with his Panda-hime. So this meant he had to be sneakier, which he took as a challenge.

"Challenge accepted scar head" Kitsune chuckled darkly.

The chunin that heard the chuckling swallowed hard and so wish he wasn't sitting so close to Kitsune. Ibiki felt a cold shiver run down his spine.

It didn't take long and some of the test papers began to come alive. They launched themselves at their test taker by biting them or snapping at them if they got to close. Others would start bad mouthing them for their poor penmanship while others made very suggestive innuendos in very low male baritones to the guys. For the girls it critiqued their bodies in a very shrill high nasally voice. It was chaos.

Ibiki knew it was Kitsune, but had no evidence that could prove it was him. So he couldn't throw him out.

Tenten saw this going on and shook her head. She kept writing since her test was pretty much the only one un-affected by Kitsune's prank.

After 45 minutes passed and several teams eliminated Ibiki gave out the final question. Kitsune had fallen asleep during the chaos. Ibiki wanted to pick on Kitsune, but knew that would be like poking a sleeping dragon. So he left him alone. After everyone passed the final question a crash was heard as a window shattered. A black blob appeared and revealed a scantily clad woman only wearing a trench coat, a mesh body stocking and an orange skirt with a dang stick in her mouth.

Behind was a banner that read; 'Anko Mitarashi, Number one Sexy Kunoichi!'

Kitsune awoke at the crash and saw this. He then held up a card that read a '3'. His clones he had created gave their scores which were 2, 1, 2, 0.5, and 1.5.

"What the hell brat, what gives, why a freaking three, and what the hell with the other low scores?" Anko asked enraged at her score.

"You had a good entrance, but I deducted several points due to the fact that your proclamation is very misleading" Kitsune said.

His clones all nodded in agreement then disappeared along with their scores. They weren't needed since they had served their purpose.

"What the hell does that mean?" Anko asked.

"You're not the number one sexy kunoichi" Kitsune said.

"Oh yeah, then who is?" Anko asked wanting to eliminate her competition.

"My lovely Panda-hime" Kitsune said.

A bright spotlight shone down on Tenten and that embarrassed her immensely. She tucked her head down feeling the heat in her cheeks.

"That brat, what does she have that I don't?" Anko asked as she posed a very seductive pose that made several guys get nosebleeds.

"She's not only sexy and hot, but she got the brains to match" Kitsune said.

"Hmph, you don't know a good thing when you can see it brat" Anko said crossing her arms pouting.

"I can see just fine. Just my eyes only see Panda-hime" Kitsune said.

"Hmph, whatever, no time to celebrate brats. I'm your next examiner and I bring the hell" Anko said as she cackled like a madwoman with a very insane glint in her eye.

This made all the remaining genin scared. Kitsune jotted something down and walked over to Anko and handed her his note. Anko read and crumbled it.

"What the hell do you mean I got no style brat?" she shouted.

"Simple, this is how you induce fear in to these worthless peons" Kitsune said with a sinister grin.

The lights grew dim til you couldn't see much. Then scary ominous music began to play. Dark smoke began to billow out of nowhere and swirl and then chilling laughter was heard from all over it seemed.

"FOOLISH MORTALS, PREPARE FOR YOU DEATHS! I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE COME TRUE!" a very dark ominous voice said.

All the genin were trying hard not to wet themselves.

Appearing out of the cloud of swirling dark smoke was a big muscled demon looking figure. He was black colored with highlighted blue streaking through him like veins. He had two grotesque horns sticking out of his forehead and a blazing fire for hair and shiny coal black eyes that glared at all the genin present.

"I AM BEELZEBUB! THE DEMON OF YOUR DESTRUCTION!" the demon roared.

That did it the genin all fainted.

The lights came up and Kitsune stood there smirking at his work.

"And that's how it's done, amateur" he said then walked out of the room.

The only one un-affected was of course Tenten. She sighed and shook her head as she looked around.

Anko stood there utterly shocked at what she had seen.

"I am so going to want to learn that shit" she said.

Ibiki however was cowered in the corner scared out of his mind. Not of Naruto's demon performance, but Naruto decided to mess with him while doing the demon performance. What he did was reveal a few gaps he had in his memory after he tried to seal Kitsune up.

The gap he revealed was of Ibiki wearing a little Bo Peep costume and tending to a lot of inflatable sheep and, um, caring for all of them in a very loving manner. And in a very high girly voice that he wasn't even aware he could do at all without the use of helium.

/Scene Break/

Several hours later shaky and scared genin appeared at the entrance of the Forest of Death. They got directions from their jounin sensei.

"Welcome to the Forest of Death brats" Anko announced.

A dark cloud loomed over the forest as thunder rumbled and lightning arced across the blackened sky. What was strange was that the thunder, lightning and dark clouds only stayed over the Forest of Death. Everywhere else around was nice and sunny.

"WELCOME LITTLE PEONS, GET READY TO TASTE REAL HELL!" Beelzebub thundered from the dark cloud. "I'LL BE FEASTING ON NOT ONLY YOUR BODIES, BUT YOUR SOULS TOO VERY SOON!"

Tenten looked at Kitsune who was reading something without a care in the world.

Anko wasn't pleased at being upstaged. Sure, she thought this was all freaking awesome, but it was taking her thunder. The blond brat had to be taught a lesson on who is in charge. She pulled out a kunai and threw at Kitsune. The kunai hit Kitsune and Kitsune exploded in red streamers and papier mâché organs.

"What the hell?" Anko exclaimed shocked at the sight.

"Hm, nicely done Lady Serpent, but still no tomato" Kitsune said.

Anko turned and found Kitsune sitting right beside her. He was sipping a cup of tea from an English tea set.

_How the hell did that brat get here_ she thought.

After that the instructions were given and waivers signed. Kitsune was with his team by their assigned gate. The chunin there looked like he wanted to be anywhere else since Kitsune was staring right at him.

"You need some fun" Kitsune said with a crazy grin.

Soon the buzzer sounded beginning the second stage of the chunin exams. Neji's entrance music was heard in the distance.

The chunin let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey, I'm not done with you yet" a Kitsune clone said.

The chunin cried.

**End of Chapter**

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**A/N: and that's the end of this one. Next up is the adventure in the forest.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

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_I don't own Naruto at all_

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**A/N: welcome to another chap of more messed fun and chaos. Please don't read too much into it. It might give you a headache if you do.**

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**Chapter 4**

Sasuke and Sakura leapt through the trees as Kitsune was shooting something out of his wrists and swinging on the stuff.

"What are you doing loser?" Sasuke asked.

"Swinging from my webs Emo Duck" Kitsune said then went to humming a certain web-slinger's theme song.

Sakura and Sasuke looked at each other, but didn't say a thing. They weren't really sure what to say.

They kept going til they decided to stop and rest for a bit. Kitsune groaned loudly, "I'm so bored!"

"Shut up loser" Sasuke muttered.

A genin team from waterfall appeared and Kitsune grinned.

"Playtime" he said with a grin.

Screams were heard throughout the forest.

Tenten heard these screams and shook her head. She knew they were the work of Kitsune.

"Well that was a waste" Kitsune grumbled looking and feeling quite disappointed.

He had taken the entire genin team down by himself, before Sasuke or Sakura could even act, with a massive assault of pranks. One of the genin had fur all over their body and was scratching due to getting fleas as an added bonus. Another was dealing with a bad rash that was only placed in very uncomfortable areas so they were left rubbing their butt and crotch on the ground alternating between the two to get at least some relief and the last couldn't stop belting out show tunes whenever they opened their mouth.

In the end they found a double of the scroll they had, but Kitsune kept since he figured he could find a way to use it as a prank or something.

/Scene Break/

Team 7 kept going til a gust of wind came out of nowhere. Kitsune decided this would be a good time to take a piss into the wind, but he diverted the stream and it hit Sasuke's face instead.

"What the hell loser?" Sasuke asked with urine all over his face.

"Pissed on, are we?" Kitsune asked with a smirk.

"My, my look what we have here?"

Team 7 turned to find a grass nin standing there.

"Dude, my pedo radar is screaming here" Kitsune said.

The grass nin shot a glare at Kitsune.

"Ah crap, we got a pedo here" Kitsune groaned.

"I AM NOT A PEDO DAMNIT!" the grass nin shouted.

"A pedo says what?" Kitsune asked casually.

"What" the grass nin said.

"You confirmed you're a pedo" Kitsune said with a nod of his head.

"No, no, no. I did not" the grass nin cried.

"Um, I hate to agree with the loser, but you did" Sasuke said.

Sakura just nodded her head in total agreement and because Sasuke, but because it was true.

The grass nin didn't look happy at all.

"I was here to test Sasuke, but I think I will take you out first" she said.

"Oh hell no, molest Emo Duck first. I am sure he'd like that kind of thing. He looks like the kind of emo who likes it rough" Kitsune said as he tried to ward the grass nin off like an evil spirit.

A tic appeared in the grass nin's eye.

"That's it, time to show you who you're up against" she said then peeled her face off.

"Damn, that's so sick. I got to learn that trick" Kitsune said in awe.

"I am Orochimaru" the former grass nin proclaimed after tearing the false face off.

"I knew it, a genuine 100% pedo" Kitsune said confidently.

"I AM NOT A PEDO!" Orochimaru shouted.

"Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure" Kitsune said in a bored uncaring tone. "Here, open this." Tossing an egg-shaped thing at Orochimaru.

"What is this?" the snake sannin asked as he examined the egg with curiosity and hesitancy.

"Open it and find out" Kitsune said.

Orochimaru couldn't help himself and he opened it.

A burst of bright pink sparkle filled smoke erupted and when smoke dissipated there was a bright pink neon sign above the snake sannin that read; 'I am a Gay Pedo, and Damn Proud of it!'

The snake sannin looked up and read it.

"I am not" Orochimaru whined as he stomped his foot childishly.

Sakura and Sasuke just blinked. This couldn't be the snake sannin and S ranked missing nin.

"Forget that, time to test you Sasuke" Orochimaru said.

He then launched himself at Sasuke, but before he could reach the Uchiha Kitsune leapt in front and like a bull fighter raised a cape, but it wasn't a red cape, but it was a cape that had a vulgar drawing of a young pubescent boy bent over.

"Toro, toro" Kitsune cried.

Orochimaru was furious as he passed through the cape.

"Who are you?" he scowled.

"I'm Kitsune, Scourge of the Earth, the Prankster from Hell, the Terror of the Leaf" Kitsune said proudly as grand heroic played in the background. Kitsune had a boom box behind him playing the music. He would've hired a full orchestra, but then he had to deal with unions and he didn't want that. So he went cheap, boom box.

Orochimaru frowned. He wasn't familiar with Kitsune at all and he was sure he knew all shinobi Konoha had due to his spies, but Kitsune was an unknown.

"Now Pale Pedo" Orochimaru got a tic in his eye hearing this, "I am getting bored with this. So lets end it, for now" Kitsune said.

Before Orochimaru could act an explosion was set off and when the smoke cleared the great snake sannin dressed in ass-less black leather chaps and a black leather vest with little black leather tassels and on the back of the vest in glittery coral pink rhinestones it said, 'I'm a Buckin' Ridin' kind of Cowboy' with a matching coral pink rhinestone-covered cowboy hat.

/Scene Break/

"What the hell was that loser?" Sasuke asked.

Kitsune had pulled Sakura and Sasuke during the explosion.

"The Pale Pedo was too into you and I am sure you want to save your virgin ass to be de-flowered by some male whore you pay rather then get it violated here and now. Not very romantic" Kitsune said.

"Sasuke isn't gay!" Sakura shouted.

"Doesn't matter how many times you saying that, it doesn't mean it's true" Kitsune said.

"You think you can escape me?" Orochimaru asked still wearing the outfit that Kitsune had put on him. He had tried to remove it, but just like Kabuto's outfit he couldn't. It was frustrating for him.

He then stretched his neck out and latched it onto Sasuke's neck. Sasuke hissed in pain and fell unconscious.

"Come to me when you feel you need power" Orochimaru said then disappeared.

"Just great, Pale Pedo had to mark him with a love bite" Kitsune grumbled.

They had to rest with the Uchiha out. Kitsune took the time to examine the seal in Sasuke's neck. He was bored and there was nothing to do. He looked at it while Sakura snored away.

"Hm, interesting. The Pale Pedo does have some skill in bastardizing this seal. Hmmm, let me see what I can do to fuck it with some" Kitsune said with an evil grin.

/Scene Break/

Inside the curse seal a pale white snake, Orochimaru, waited. It was still waiting to see if his host would survive and so far it appeared so. The place was all dark and gloomy looking like a black endless void.

"HELLLOOOO GIANT TAMPON!"

Snake Orochimaru turned its serpentine head to see Kitsune standing there.

"Who are you and how'd you get in here?" he asked.

"Simple, I just unlocked the door. You've got crappy locks by the way" Kitsune said as he rocked back on his heels looking around, "geez, this place needs some razzle-dazzle it's so Emo Gloom chic."

"Leave this place, at once" snake Orochimaru demanded.

"Why would I leave when I just got here?" Kitsune asked blinking innocently.

Snake Orochimaru got pissed and lunged from its spot, but Kitsune hopped away and pulled out a hoop that he went through instead and also transformed into garter snake.

"What have you done to me? Wait what, what has happened to my voice!?" snake Orochimaru squeaked.

His voice was now like a chipmunk.

"There now, lets get you all caged up and take you to show and tell" Kitsune said with a grin.

Snake Orochimaru tried to slither away, but Kitsune caught him threw him into a glass tank with a sun rock and gravel bed.

"I am not a pet, I am Orochimaru. The greatest of the sannin, the immortal being, the… is that a rat?" snake Orochimaru asked.

"Yup, you hungry Bee-bee?" Kitsune asked.

Snake Orochimaru nodded and Kitsune dropped the rat inside and he ate it.

_Wait, what the hell am I doing? I am not a pet and did that twerp call me 'Bee-bee'?_ he thought. _Oh forget about it, this rock is so nice and warm. Hmmmm._

Kitsune turned on a heat lamp for his new pet, Bee-bee.

"Now time to have some fun" he said with a grin.

He then began decorating the entire space in lavender, baby blue, hot pink and garish yellow. He then added magazines that had cover pics of moody boys and other magazines that had all the latest fetishes for gay couples. He also put a jukebox in with every show tune there was.

"Right, my job is done here" Kitsune said as he dusted his hands off then left.

/Scene Break/

Kitsune leaned back grinning now out of the seal. He had given Bee-bee to kyuubi as a pet since kyuubi had been such a good sport.

"**I so love this kid"** the giant fox said.

The biju had been watching everything that had been going on since Kitsune's reappearance. He just loved watching all the shit Kitsune did. It was his favorite show. It annoyed the hell out of him when Naruto was in-charge because he was really no fun compared to Kitsune.

Naruto was all about training and becoming Hokage while Kitsune was all about creating and causing as much mayhem as he could.

/Scene Break/

They finally got into the tower with the two required scrolls. It was a tiring thing and Kitsune was bored of it all. When the second trial was done with and Hiruzen explained things he bowed out. The chunin exams weren't as fun as he thought they'd be. So he sat up with his team watching the prelims.

"Time to get bitch slapped Emo Duck" Kitsune said happily.

Sasuke glared at Kitsune then went down and fought his opponent, Yoroi Akado.

"Huh, he's a sucker" Kitsune observed.

He was watching as Sasuke's opponent absorb Sasuke's chakra.

"HEY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SUCK SOMETHING AIM LOWER AND MORE TOWARDS THE CENTER. IT'S SMALL SO YOU MIGHT MISS IT A COUPLE TIMES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, GREAT THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES!" Kitsune shouted.

There was utter shock and then laughter from some hearing this.

Kakashi's eye was wide as he felt some heated looks on his back. Those looks were coming from his fellow jounin. Well, not all of the jounin since Asuma was stoned out of his mind at the moment.

"I didn't teach him that, I swear" he said desperately.

His fellow jounin didn't seem to believe him.

"COME ON, ARE YOU SHY, YOU LIKE SUCKING EVERYWHERE ELSE!" Kitsune shouted.

"Your teammate is a nuisance" Yoroi said.

"You have no idea" Sasuke growled.

The match finished with Sasuke using a fire jutsu burning Yoroi. He then walked back up.

"Not your type Emo Duck?" Kitsune asked.

Sasuke ignored Kitsune.

"Not to worry, I am sure that there's a guy that'll get you all stiff and stuff" Kitsune said.

"Sasuke isn't gay!" Sakura screeched.

Ino nodded in agreement with this.

The next couple of matches were a bore really then when it came to Sakura and Ino's match Kitsune grinned.

"AND NOW FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THE KONOHA NETWORK PROUDLY PRESENTS GIRLY ASS SMACKDOWN!" Kitsune announced with a voice that filled the room, "IN THIS CORNER IS THE PANSY WHO CAN BE HEARD ALL THE WAY TO IWA, THE GIRL WITH THE BOY BODY, IT'S PINKIE THE HOWLER MONKEY!"

Sakura was furious as her cheeks were a crimson red. She was so going to kill Naruto or Kitsune or whatever he called himself. He was making her look like a fool.

"AND IN THIS CORNER IS THE GIRL WITH A SET OF LUNGS THAT IT MUST BE A PLEASURE TO BUST HER 'DRUM', THE GIRL THAT LIKES TO SHOW SKIN TO WET EVERY GUYS' PANTS, IT'S STRIPPERELLA!" Kitsune announced.

Ino walked down very angry and she was going to kill Naruto after her match. She didn't care if Asuma tried to stop her. He was going to die. Who gives a flying fuck if Naruto provided what Asuma calls, 'the best shit he's ever smoked'.

Everyone in the room were laughing at this. It didn't show Konoha in the best light really. Tenten sighed and shook her head though there was an amused twitch on her lips.

"NOW GIRLS, LET THE PUSSY SLAPPING BEGIN!" Kitsune shouted.

Both Ino and Sakura looked at each other and nodded. They had a plan. They pulled a couple of shuriken and threw them at each other. They then replace themselves with logs reappearing on the balcony. Once on the balcony they charge at Kitsune with righteous screams of fury. They got to Kitsune and began to pound and beat him into a very bloody pulp. All the males there were scared out of their wits witnessing the sheer carnage before them.

Even the proctor just stared shocked, so shocked he didn't say a thing. Just watched the horror going on above him.

When Ino and Sakura were done all that was left was a blob of flesh that was barely breathing. Blood was everywhere. This appeared to be the worst beating a female has ever done to a male and that counts all the times a certain perverted sannin peeked in on a certain chakra-powered super strength sannin.

"Bravo, bravo. Such carnage, such destruction. Oh the passion just brings a tear to my eye."

This had everyone turn and find Kitsune alive, whole and totally unharmed. He was standing by the Hokage. This shocked everyone, especially Ino and Sakura, and had them wondering if he is there then who got the very vicious beating? The one who actually got the beating was one Kabuto. Kitsune switched himself with the unsuspecting victim and he had no time to prepare himself for the ruthlessly violent beating he got from Sakura and Ino.

"Uh, Ino and Sakura are disqualified" the judge said after some moments of just stunned silence.

The matches went on then it was Tenten's match, Kitsune's Panda-hime's.

Kitsune began shouting and cheering loud enough to be his own cheering section. In fact that was what he was thanks to his shadow clones. They were all holding up banners and signs ranging from declaring their love for Tenten to rooting for her to kick her opponent's ass.

Tenten blushed hard seeing all the adoration she was getting from Kitsune. She faced off against the grass nin and beat him soundly. It didn't help that whenever the grass nin looked up they'd see the very scary face of Kitsune that promised sheer and utter pain if they hurt Tenten. That distracted the grass nin more than enough.

Tenten won her match and she grinned. Soon a spotlight came down on her and Kitsune walked up holding a lovely rose bouquet.

"Congrats Panda-hime, you've just advanced to the chunin finals. What are you going to do now?" he asked in an overly exaggerated announcer voice as he held a mic.

Tenten shook her head as she sighed.

"Going to rest Kitsune, then train for the finals and hopefully become a chunin in the end" she said into the mic.

"Excellent Panda-hime, we must celebrate. Village wide prank spectacular… AWAY!" Kitsune announced.

/Scene Break/

Everywhere in the village pranks went off. There was screams, shouts, loud laughter and various other things. It was utter chaos. People's clothes vanished leaving them either naked or in hot pink or garish yellow leather bondage outfits. Hair changed to flashy neon colors that actually flashed different bright neon colors. People breaking out in rashes. Some people dancing as low-level exploding tags went off under their feet. All of this going on and then some and it didn't matter if you were affected by one prank since you could be hit by different ones at once. No one was safe. Then there was the fireworks going off everywhere too. Loud ones, so loud they roared like cannon fire. It startled everyone in the entire village.

/Scene Break/

Hiruzen groaned as he put his head in his hands. He was going to have so much paperwork in front of him now. He so wanted to cry, but couldn't, not in front of everyone.

Kitsune led Tenten away beaming at her the whole way. Tenten was blushing from Kitsune's adoration he was pouring on her.

The rest of the matches went on after that with Gaara who was still stoned out of his mind that didn't feel anything as his opponent fought him. Gaara ended it after getting so annoyed that some was trying to mess with his high that he used his sand and created a pike the was shoved up the guy's ass. The guy screamed in pain that ended in whimpers of pleasure.

"Hey, I bet you wished that was you Emo Duck" Kitsune said.

Sasuke didn't even answer that, which Kitsune took as a yes.

The match with Tenten's teammate Lee went with Kitsune deciding it needed a mud wrestling theme. He filled the arena with a big pool of mud and when Lee and his opponent got down there their clothes changed to string thongs.

"This is most unyouthful, I feel this string up my rump" Lee commented.

"At least yours isn't hot pink" his opponent said.

Which was true. Lee's string thong was a garish lime green color.

"NOW FOR THE MUD WRESTLING BEGIN!" Kitsune shouted.

Lee and his opponent fought and mud was flung all over as they grappled. They were compelled to do this even if they didn't want to.

"Kitsune, what did you do?" Tenten asked.

"Eh, just some seals on the floor to make them mud wrestle like the Romans of old did" Kitsune said.

"Kitsune, I am sure these Romans didn't mud wrestle" Tenten said though she had no clue who these Romans were.

"No, they wrestled all oiled up and naked, but I was out of baby oil since I used it all up on something else. I don't think anyone wanted to see them naked. So this was the compromise" Kitsune said.

Several who heard this were relieved. They really didn't need to see two naked genin covered in baby oil wrestling. Though they were sure this wasn't the happy medium in between.

"YOSH, I WON!" Lee cried then his thong fell off due to the strain it had been put through.

It was a sight that couldn't be unseen.

Afterwards the remaining participants drew lots to see who they would be facing in the finals.

/Scene Break/

Now out of the forest and knowing there was a month before the finals Kitsune had to think of what to do. He did promise his Panda-hime to train with her to get her ready for the finals. But what else could he do. That was the big question. He wandered around til it got late and that's when he heard someone running. He turned to see a girl he vaguely remembered in the prelims. She was from Sound or Oto or something like that. He wasn't paying too much attention at the time.

But she was running and scared. This unlocked something in him. A part of Naruto really. The sense to protect people. He jumped and swung down from a grappling hook he had deployed earlier. He swooped down and picked the girl up ala Tarzan minus the hollering though he did contemplate doing hat, but decided that ruined the badass aura he was going for at the moment. All that was missing was some badass flowing cape action, but his cape was still at the cleaners. It's such a pain to get out two week chocolate stains out. So he used his cape as a makeshift napkin. He couldn't find a napkin to begin with and needed one. Once on the roof with the girl he looked her over better.

"My fair maiden, what has caused such fear for you to run?" Kitsune asked.

The girl blinked, she had no idea what to say to that.

"Tut-tut-tut Kin, thinking you can escape me" Orochimaru said in a creepy tone.

"Ah Pale Pedo" Kitsune said.

"YOU!" Orochimaru cried.

"Yup, me. Now Pale Pedo. I don't know what's going on here, but you shouldn't be molesting girls. I know you're just trying to prove to the fellas that you're a real manly man and all, but you shouldn't fight your natural urges. Go after little boys, you get your rocks off on that, not girls" Kitsune said.

"I am not, I wasn't, I don't. URGH!" Orochimaru growled.

"Denial isn't just a river in Egypt Pale Pedo. Now leave, Kin is it?" Kitsune asked turning his head to the girl, who nodded. "Good, now leave Kin alone. She knows good touch and bad touch. She'll scream and call for an adult if you try it again."

Orochimaru's eye tic was going at a hummingbird pace. No one, not even his old teammate Jiraiya could annoy him this much. He was so exasperated that he just left forgetting all about what he was going to do with Kin. He just wanted to get away from Kitsune.

"Good, now that he's left what to do with you, hmmm?" Kitsune asked out loud.

Kin was now scared. She had escaped Orochimaru, but now she was in the hands of the enemy. She knew she was dead now.

"I know, Kin, um, is that just your name or do you have a last too?" Kitsune asked.

"Tsuchi, it's Kin Tsuchi" Kin said then cursed herself for giving out her full name.

"Right. Kin Tsuchi, do you solemnly swear to be my ever obedient servant in my quest to prank the entire world?" Kitsune asked.

Kin blinked. Was this guy for real, I mean was he actually serious? From the look on his face she could he was. She had thought this guy was messed up in the head when she saw him in the beginning in the exams and seeing him during the prelims just backed up that claim. But here she was at his mercy. She didn't have many options really. Go back and be used as whatever in one of Orochimaru's experiments before dying an excruciating death, turn herself in to Konoha and get interrogated or pledge herself to this guy and be safe? None of the options seemed pleasing to her really, but she decided to go with Kitsune, the unknown since she thought she might have a better shot in living.

"I Kin Tsuchi, solemnly swear on my life to be your ever obedient servant in your quest in prank the entire world" Kin said kneeling before Kitsune with her head down.

Kitsune touched her head and smiled. _At last my very first follower_ he thought. He then placed a mark on the back of her neck with his fingertips. It tickled Kin instead of feeling any pain. The mark was of a fox with a set of maracas in its paws and big huge stogie in its maw.

"Arise Kin" he said.

Kin did.

"You're my first of many followers who will spread my brand of chaos, mayhem and free fifty percent discounts every fourth or fifth Friday in between the times of 4 to 6" Kitsune said with an insane grin.

_Maybe I should've just turned myself in_ Kin thought.

/Scene Break/

Tenten walked to the training field she was using to train to find Kitsune standing there looking quite pleased with himself.

_Uh-oh, who had been pranked this time without me knowing?_ she thought.

"Panda-hime, my grand plan of world pranking domination has now begun" Kitsune said with such a euphoric glee.

This made Tenten pause.

_Okay, this is new. He must've just come up with this_ she thought.

"Oh, it has" she said like she knew Kitsune's plan all along. She had quite a bit of practice over the years with Kitsune to get the act down very well.

"Yup, I already got my first follower too" Kitsune said happily.

"And who is it?" Tenten asked.

"My minion come forth" Kitsune called.

Kin walked out feeling uncomfortable since she was wearing the same bodysuit as Kitsune though instead of the blood red stripes they were a blue color, but everything else the same as Kitsune. Along with the rucksack.

"Her, but she's the girl from the exams" Tenten said shocked.

"Yup, I found her running from the Pale Pedo and took her in. She was a lost lamb, and as the great Shepard I herded her into my flock" Kitsune said with wizen wisdom.

"Wait, 'Pale Pedo'. Kitsune what happened during the exams?" Tenten asked confused.

"Here, I wrote out everything" Kitsune said as he pulled out a book.

Tenten shook her head and took the book and began to read it and her eyes widened hearing that Orochimaru had appeared and then this girl, named Kin, was running from the snake sannin. Tenten felt like this was much bigger. And of course Kitsune was in the middle of it.

"Kitsune, did you tell the Hokage about this?" she asked.

"Hm, why, he's too busy with all that paperwork he loves so much?" Kitsune asked.

Tenten sighed.

"Kitsune, Orochimaru is an S-ranked missing nin. He's very dangerous. You were lucky to get away unscathed really. The Hokage must be told" she said.

"Fine, you're right Panda-hime" Kitsune sighed.

Kin looked back and forth between Tenten and Kitsune. She was still getting used to her new surroundings. Thankfully Kitsune had given her a book to help her. 'How to Be a Minion of the Great Kitsune, the Grandmaster of Pranking Chaos and Always Willing to Buy the First Round in a Bar and Yes This is the actual title of the book'.

/Scene Break/

Hiruzen was in his office crying rivers of tears at all the paperwork that Kitsune had made for him over the pranks he did during the prelims. He still had four huge stacks left and he was sure they were breeding.

"Yo old man!"

Hiruzen looked to see Kitsune staring at him upside down in a classic Spider-man pose.

"Ah Kitsune, what brings you here?" he asked as he pulled out his pipe and lit it.

"Here, read this" Kitsune said as he tossed a book on the desk.

Hiruzen read it and his eyes widen as he read it.

"Why didn't you tell me this before Kitsune?" he asked in a serious tone.

"Eh, why. I handled the love bite that Emo Duck got" Kitsune said.

"You mean you found a way to remove the curse mark?!" Hiruzen asked shocked.

"Eh, not really. But I got rid of what was inside it" Kitsune said.

"Explain Kitsune" Hiruzen said firmly.

So Kitsune did and Hiruzen shook his head. He had never heard of such a thing, but leave it to Kitsune to do something that couldn't even be said possible really. Heck, he couldn't believe how Kitsune got under his old student's skin so easily. The Orochimaru he knew wasn't that easy to screw with. Maybe all those experiments messed with his more than he thought. Not even his other student Jiraiya could frustrate Orochimaru that much.

Kitsune didn't put in the book since he didn't think that it was important enough to write down.

"Very well, I'll let this go Kitsune. But if something like this comes up again let me know" Hiruzen said.

"No problem" Kitsune said saluting.

"Oh, and your, um, follower Kin. I'd like to talk to her" Hiruzen said.

"But she's mine, if you want girls go get your own. She's mine" Kitsune said childishly.

Hiruzen closed his eyes at this and took a deep breath.

"I'm not going to take her away from you Kitsune, I just want to talk to her. That's all" he said gently.

"Fine, but finders keepers old man, remember that" Kitsune said then poofed away in a plume of smoke.

"Ah, a shadow clone" Hiruzen muttered.

/Scene Break/

Hiruzen had his talk with Kin and found out some stuff from her. What he found out was the invasion mainly since his old student loved to monologue it seemed before he killed someone. Kin also gave him what she thought was the strength of her former village and who she knew was the strongest, but her info on that was limited since she was low on the totem pole and was restricted to the village. So she didn't know of any of the snake sannin's sources in his various bases he had around.

Kitsune stood by Kin the whole time not wanting Hiruzen to try and take what he deemed his. At the end the meeting Kitsune and Kin left leaving Hiruzen to plan a counter assault against his old student.

/Scene Break/

Tenten sighed as she took a deep drink of ice cold water. She was resting after some serious training for the finals.

Kitsune was sitting under the shade rocking on his heels. He was a bit winded, but happy he was helping his Panda-hime. One of the things he loved to do really.

"You got this in the bag Panda-hime" he said confidently.

"To become a chunin isn't all about strength and power Kitsune. I also have to show that I have the mental capabilities top be a chunin. To know when to fight or retreat and also have some leadership skill too" Tenten said.

"Aww, that's no fun Panda-hime. That sounds like work" Kitsune mumbled.

Tenten just shook her head.

"It's what I want to do Kitsune. Now where is your follower?" she asked.

"Oh, Kin's out recruiting. She said she might know a few that are willing to join me" Kitsune said.

"And you trust her, Kitsune. She used to work for Orochimaru?" Tenten asked.

"Of course I trust her Panda-hime. Besides, I placed a seal on her so I know where she is and other special surprises" Kitsune said with a grin.

Tenten shook her head. _I should've known Kitsune would have some plan in place_ she thought.

"Right, ready to go again Panda-hime?" Kitsune asked.

Tenten nodded and got up.

/Scene Break/

Kin sighed as she shook her head.

_Why the hell did I say yes to this. I mean what was I thinking? How the hell can I convince these people. They are stronger than I am. Ugh, I can't believe I got myself in this situation. This Kitsune is totally insane, but he's a hell of a lot nicer and kinder than Orochimaru. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it_ she thought.

Making her way she snuck through making sure she kept herself as concealed as possible. What helped was all the goodies in the rucksack she carried that was given to her by Kitsune. She still didn't know all that was in the sack, but found out so far that if put her hand in it and thought about what she needed it usually appeared in her hand. So that was nice.

"Kin, what the fucking hell are you doing here?"

"Tayuya" Kin said.

"Yeah, it's me. Who else do you know by that fucking goddamn name? So what the fucking hell do you want?" Tayuya asked.

Now Tayuya was a red haired girl with probably the foulest mouth in the entire Elemental nations. Her dirty mouth could probably make sailors blush. Hell, it did make sailors blush in fact. She's also won Oto's top dirty mouth ten straight times too.

_I know only one Tayuya and she all the way down to her foul mouth. I swear, she's got the dirtiest mouth of all the Elemental Nations_ Kin thought.

"Tayuya, you remember what we talked about some time ago?" Kin asked.

"Yeah, so what the fuck?" Tayuya asked.

"I found a way out" Kin said.

"You're shittin' me. You dirty motherfucking liar" Tayuya said accusingly.

"No, I am not. I found a way out and I can give you and a few others out too" Kin said.

"What's the goddamn catch, there's got to be a fucking goddamn catch?" Tayuya asked.

"You'll have to be his follower" Kin said.

"Shit, fucking shit. I knew it, I trade in motherfucking goddamn piece of shit for another motherfucking goddamn piece of shit" Tayuya spat.

"Not this one. He's nice. He doesn't want a lot from me" Kin said.

"What does he want then?" Tayuya asked.

"He wants us to be his driving force to prank the whole world" Kin said sincerely.

"You've got to be fucking joking?" Tayuya exclaimed.

Kin shook her head.

"Well fucking hell, I guess it's better than working for this pale ass pedo" Tayuya muttered.

"So you're in?" Kin asked.

"Fuck, why not" Tayuya said.

Kin nodded and then headed off. She still had places to go and hopefully more people she could recruit. She just hoped she could get it all done in time before the finals.

**End of Chapter**

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**A/N: and that's the end of this chap. I know who the girls will be who'll join Kitsune, but I'll keep that under my hat. You can all guess of course, but I won't give anything away. These girls will be different from what Tenten and Hana are to Kitsune. Kin and the girls I picked are his followers and Tenten is his hime and Hana is his Dog Maiden. Both very different from each other. The next chap will be the finals and other stuff. I am speeding through things somewhat since they aren't important to the story. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

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_I don't own Naruto at all_

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**A/N: chap #5 and the finals are here and Kitsune's group will grow. The name for his group will also be named in this too. Plus more added to the Hana plot I had started back in chap 2. I also want to let you know that the reason why this chap took so long was I had a hard time trying to upload it to this site until now.**

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**Chapter 5**

Kitsune grinned.

"You've returned Kin" he said.

"I have" Kin said bowing her head down.

"So was your mission successful?" Kitsune asked as he sat there with his fingers steepled looking very solemn.

"I think it was" Kin said nodding her head.

"Good, now for your reward" Kitsune said.

Kin looked confused.

"Here, a big bag of pink cotton candy" Kitsune said as he pulled out a big plastic bag full of the fluffy stuff made completely of sugar.

Kin took it and opened it and ripped a chunk off and ate it and moaning in sheer pleasure. She had found her favorite food now.

"So good" she said feeling the sugar rush coursing through her system.

"My plan is all coming together" Kitsune chuckled with dark evil intent.

There was a dark aura slowly enveloping him as the dark ominous music began to swell.

"Um, Kitsune, are you alright?" Tenten asked.

She had come in to witness Kitsune dark laughter with evil dark ominous music playing and Kin eating her cotton candy in a euphoric fashion.

"Huh, oh fine Panda-hime" Kitsune said turning away from the dark aura he had going.

Tenten just looked at Kitsune.

"I just wanted to have my evil moment, I never have an evil moment" Kitsune said as he took down his 'dark' aura and stuffed it back in his rucksack as well as stuffing the dark ominous music too. "Get back in there, get back in there" he grumbled as he wrestled with the aura and music to stuff it back in his sack.

Tenten shook her head deciding not say a thing.

"Are you going to watch me in the finals tomorrow?" she asked.

"Of course Panda-hime, I'd pause my total annihilation of the known world to watch you kick total ass, then afterwards back to annihilation" Kitsune said grinning.

"Thanks Kitsune" Tenten said.

Kitsune kissed her hand.

"Anything for you my dear" he said.

Tenten smiled.

Kin was forgotten as she slowly ate her cotton candy savoring each morsel.

/Scene Break/

It was the day of the finals and the stadium was filled. Most of the crowd chatting loudly about how Sasuke Uchiha will win it all they even placed bets on it. Kitsune seeing all the betting grinned. Time to clean out all these sheep he thought. He placed his bets across all the boards with him placing bets on the most unlikely to the downright impossible like aliens coming down and gang probing Sasuke to the mole people arising and sing Phantom of the Opera as well as other bets too. Like an invasion happening and what would happen. He also put down a lot of money too. The bookies chuckled like idiots thinking they'd make a big profit from the fox brat.

In the stands the genin teams all sat down together genin and jounin sensei. Minus one emo boy and a ever tardy jounin of course.

"Ie H can't wait. Sasuke is going to win it all" Sakura squealed.

"Yeah, he's the best" Ino sighed.

"Yeah, he's so gay and emo who loves to shine poles" Kitsune said.

"Yeah" Ino and Sakura agreed.

There was chuckles from the others at what Kitsune did.

"I like this brat" Anko said chuckling.

Kurenai shook her head and turned to Asuma who was lighting up once again and frowned. She had become really concerned about Asuma since he was now getting high on a daily basis. He pretty much had a wreath of smoke around his head wherever he went since he lit up so much.

Kitsune then got up and looked around.

"Such a big crowd and it's wasted on such a crappy event" He muttered to himself, _I'd totally prank everyone here if it weren't for Panda-hime being in this and I promised her that I'd behave_ he added mentally.

/Scene Break/

Soon the finals began and Kitsune was so utterly bored til Tenten came out. She was facing the Suna girl. This changed him as he used the shadow clone jutsu and created his own cheering section that was so loud and raucous. It looked like a soccer match in Ireland with the soccer hooligans.

/Scene Break/

Tenten saw this and shook her head.

"It seems you have some fans?" Temari commented.

"More like one times a million" Tenten mumbled.

The jounin then called the match to begin and Tenten shifted her feet. She had watched Temari in the prelims and knew she used wind jutsu and that meant she couldn't use her usual tactics with her throwing arsenal since they'd be blown away. So she trained for the month to work on her other skills. Kitsune was of course so helpful to her in this endeavor.

The fight began with Tenten bring out a katana and leaping forward. She clashed with Temari's closed fan. They clashed and fought with Temari unable to get any distance between the two to use a wind jutsu.

_Damn this is hard_ Temari thought.

/Scene Break/

Meanwhile in the crowd Kitsune and his army of screaming clones were cheering on their Panda-hime. They were holding up signs and banners some announcing their love for Tenten to proposing marriage and wanting to have Tenten's babies. The usual stuff you see going to concerts to the big boy bands really. All of the crowd had moved away from the Kitsune army since they were terrified of them. Most were Konoha citizens still had too many memories of Kitsune's pranks. The ones who were visitors just moved away scared out of their minds.

The genin teams and the jounin looked very embarrassed at this. Well all except Asuma who was still stoned out of his mind.

"Damn, this kid is fucking nuts. I want him" Anko said licking her lips.

Kurenai just sighed as she massaged her temples.

/Scene Break/

The fight kept going with Temari having several shallow cuts and they stung like hell. She wasn't badly injured at all, but she was tiring and those cuts stung like all hell. She was surprised that this girl was still going. Tenten mentally thanked Kitsune for upping her stamina during that month of training. It was hell for sure, but it helped in the long run. Kitsune's training regiment was insane, but he augmented to be a bit softer for his Panda-hime til she told him that she needed him to really train her. So he let go of some of his brakes he put on himself.

He even brought his new invention. He called it a time turner and said he could turn back a total of three days to get more training. Kitsune wore a white lab coat, spiffy spectacles and an oxford jacket underneath the lab coat when he explained the whole thing to her. It was way over Tenten's head of course since she was sure Kitsune used words that he most likely made up. Like Quantum tubular quacks, radioheadache, Synchrobuttytastical flux, and other words that were just as long and mostly made up.

In the end Tenten got the training she needed and then some. Thanks to the time turner they kept turning back three days and once the ended they turn back another three. She even saw herself on the turned days and was afraid of the paradox, but Kitsune shrugged and laughed about it like it was a bunch of malarkey. Tenten sure hoped she and Kitsune didn't destroy the time-space continuum.

"Ugh, I can't go on any longer" Temari panted.

"Then give" Tenten said.

"Fine, I forfeit" Temari grumbled unhappily.

Tenten grinned as she wiped the sweat from her brow.

An overly loud rambunctious cheer roared from the stands and Tenten looked up and smiled.

"Congratulation Panda-hime, you've passed the second around kicking the Sand Princess' ass" Kitsune said as he appeared on the field.

The jounin on the field did nothing to stop Kitsune since he knew better.

Kitsune then picked up Tenten and carried her away. Tenten blushing the whole time.

/Scene Break/

The army of clones all disappeared in overly giant poofs of smoke making everyone cough and hack.

Kitsune re-appeared with Tenten sitting in his lap.

The rest of the matches went on til it was time for Sasuke's. There was a roar of the crowd wondering where Sasuke Uchiha was.

/Scene Break/

"Hm, it appears that the Uchiha isn't here" Hiruzen said.

"Yeah, but what do you expect. He's probably getting his pole polished by a male escort he paid for" Kitsune said.

"Kitsune, what brings you here?" Hiruzen asked.

"Eh, wanted to get a better view" Kitsune said.

"I think we should wait for the Uchiha, maybe hold his match til the end of the round?" the Kazekage suggested.

Kitsune looked at the Kazekage.

_My Pedo Meter is going cuckoo-cuckoo_ he thought.

The fake Kazekage shrunk back a bit.

_Please let him not figure me out. I'm so close now. I can't have this brat to mess things up now_ he thought.

"HEY PALE PEDO! WHAT'S UP?!" Kitsune cried.

_Pale Pedo, wait, that's what he calls…_ Hiruzen thought.

"So my old student, you're here" he said.

_Shit, it's too early for my invasion_ Orochimaru thought as he cursed Kitsune's appearance.

"So Pale Pedo, you like dressing up too. I am surprised you are wearing that. I am sure you'd feel more comfortable in maybe, oh this" Kitsune said.

Orochimaru was out of his Kazekage disguise and in a vapid hot pink leotard with a bulge centered in the crotch for compensation. On the front of the leotard it read; 'Flame On Baby'. And on the back it read; 'Big Pleasure Must be Received in the Back'. With a big flashing arrow pointing down where his butt crack is. His hair was coiffed in a way that you'd see on a girl rather than a guy.

"What have you done?!" Orochimaru shouted now standing in his new attire.

"I've made you more _Fabulous_" Kitsune said with flare.

Orochimaru was pissed now and it didn't help that flashes of cameras were now going off.

"Now what are you doing?" he growled.

"You need a new picture for you Bingo Book entry" Kitsune said with a grin.

Little did the sannin know that his new picture was being placed in every Bingo Book instantly. He'd never be able to show his face in the underworld again.

/Scene Break/

Kabuto watched from his spot not knowing what to do. Everything was messed up, but he decided to start the operation now since there was no going back. Soon feathers came floating down. People everywhere began to fall asleep. Shinobi who were aware of their surroundings broke it. An explosion happened. The invasion had begun.

/Scene Break/

The invasion was over and Kitsune took care of all of it. He didn't like that this stupid thing had interrupted his Panda-hime's day so he went bat shit crazy on all the attackers.

"NOBODY RUINS MY PANDA-HIME'S DAY!" he announced with vengeance in his voice.

The Sound nin were hit with balls that expanded when it hit their target and left the nin hanging in a very sticky web with a spider leering at the captive like they were its next meal or like they wanted to molest them. It was hard to tell the difference really and no one wanted to check what their sex was. All they knew was when the Konoha nin cut the Sound nin down they curled into a fetal position sobbing uncontrollably muttering about bad touch, it's a bad touch. Other Sound nin got abducted by shiny silver flying saucers and little grey men. They'd be returned clutching their buttocks and crying, but that would be much later of course. Probing takes time to do right as you all know.

The Suna nin got off easy compared to the Sound nin as some were bound in nylon ropes and landed so they were all rump up and got a paddling by an army of shadow clones each taking turns of fifty whacks per clone. Each clone getting their turn up to smack I mean bat. Some other Suna nin who avoid the paddling got attacked by uncontrollable fart attacks that propelled them forward even if they didn't want to. The smell was so bad they'd gag for air suffocating from their own flatulence. It didn't help that the gas hovered right over the Suna nin like a brown stink cloud so they were unable to move and get any fresh air.

The supposed snake summon that was suppose to appear was taken down before it could cause any damage. It was taken down by a huge inflatable doll. How this happened, you really don't want to know. Lets just say every who saw it got an education they could've done without. Many who had unfortunately witnessed the event would have nightmares for weeks to come. Not even the Yamanaka clan could help ease this at all since it was burned into the victims' psyches.

As for the snake sannin, he fled before Kitsune could really 'torture' him along with his elite guard. This left Kitsune pouting, he wanted to mess with the snake sannin some more.

With the interruption of the finals that made it that no one got promoted and Suna nin that were in Konoha were under arrest and in cells awaiting a new treaty to be signed between the two villages. The Sound nin were also jailed too, well, those who weren't abducted that is. When they did return they'd be returned in an empty field smelling of rum so no one would believe their tales. Of course who in the ninja world would believe in aliens in the first place. Most of the Konoha forces had nothing to do since Kitsune took care of everything. The Konoha nin were so glad that Kitsune was on their side.

Tenten was sad about this since she felt she was ready to become a chunin. Kitsune decided to cheer her up by a prank-spree. Much to the dismay of everyone in the village who was Kitsune's victims. And the Hokage who had to deal with all the paperwork afterwards.

/Scene Break/

"Welcome, my followers" Kitsune said.

He was standing up on a stage with a big banner behind him that was dark rust orange with a picture of a fox shaking a pair of maracas in its paws and a big huge stogie in its maw.

"Who the fucking hell are you?" Tayuya asked.

"Ah, my name is Kitsune, the Terror of the Leaf, the Prankster from Hell, the Scourge of all who have a giant rods up their asses, and all-around bat-shit crazy ninja and citizen" Kitsune said happily.

"This asshole for fucking real?" Tayuya asked looking at Kin.

Kin was munching away at her bag of blue cotton candy.

"He is and he's my god" she proclaimed.

"You're just saying that because you're a sugar junkie" another redhead said as she pushed up her glasses.

"Right, now that you know who I am, who are you my followers?" Kitsune asked.

"My name is Guren" a light blue haired kunoichi with red lips and dark eyes.

"My name is Karin" the redhead with glasses said.

"Tayuya" Tayuya grunted out.

"Great, now that is out of the way, we can begin with the initiation ceremony" Kitsune said.

"Wait, what makes you think we're here to join you?" Karin asked.

"You rather stay with the Big White Ass?" Kitsune asked.

"He's got a point" Guren sighed.

"Fuck, I said I'd join. So lets get this fucking chicken shit over with" Tayuya said.

"Right, well, I guess I can tell you all the benefits you'll be getting if you join me as followers" Kitsune said, "the first thing is a first rate dental and health plan. We cover pretty much everything from a broken leg to practically every kind of major surgery you might want. Hell, even plastic surgery if you want it as well as liposuction and breast augmentation too. You all will be wearing a nifty bodysuit just like Kin is wearing as well as a traveling cloak and rucksack full of goodies."

There were three pairs of eyes blinking then turned to see what Kin was wearing.

"You want us to wear that?" Karin asked incredulously.

"Eh, why not?" Kitsune asked scratching his head.

"It's demeaning" Karin said loudly.

"So, you also have more flexibility and you look damn sexy in it too" Kitsune said.

Karin was split on this.

"I'm in" Guren sighed.

"YES!" Kitsune said punching the air.

"Question though" Guren said.

"Yes?" Kitsune asked.

"Does your, um, health plan, extend to those that are family or think of as family?" Guren asked.

"Hm, yeah, I guess so" Kitsune said after a bit of thought.

"Good" Guren said.

"Fine, I'm in" Karin sighed.

"Right, now the initiation ceremony can now finally begin" Kitsune said.

The lights dimmed and candles began to light up from out of nowhere it seemed. Kitsune was dressed in a dark long cloak that had a thick cord of rope tied loosely around his waist and hood up. Kin was standing beside Kitsune in the same attire. Chanting was heard echoing throughout that room.

"Omha-bombah lala, omha-bombah lala, omha-bombah lala, omha-bombah lala, omha-bombah lala."

This confused the three girls and they looked at each other and then at the two on the stage. They were all wondering the same thing. What the fucking hell?!

"Now step on stage and receive your garments and tattoo" Kitsune said in a solemn priestly tone.

Guren got up first then Tayuya and finally Karin. They got on stage.

"Kneel Guren" Kitsune said still in his solemn priest tone.

Guren did with her head bowed showing of the back of her neck.

"Do you Guren solemnly swear to be my ever obedient servant in my quest to prank the entire world?" Kitsune asked.

"I do" Guren said.

Kitsune placed his finger on the back of Guren's neck and the fox with maracas in its paws and big huge stogie in its maw mark appeared on her. Guren felt a ticklish sensation run through her.

"Arise Guren, my new follower" Kitsune said.

Guren got up and Kin gave Guren her new outfit.

Next up was Tayuya.

"Kneel Tayuya" Kitsune said.

Tayuya knelt down with the back of her neck exposed.

"Do you Tayuya solemnly swear to be my ever obedient servant in my quest to prank the entire world?" Kitsune asked.

"Yeah, I fucking do" Tayuya said.

Kitsune saw the curse mark on Tayuya and frowned. He then put his finger on top of the mark.

**Inside the Curse Seal**

Kitsune appeared within the seal and frowned as it looked the same as Emo Duck's before he decided to re-decorate it. But this time he had different mission.

"Who are you?" a huge white snake hissed.

The white snake, Orochimaru, was coiled around a black sickly stalactite.

"Name's Kitsune, I am with Animal Control" Kitsune said with his clothing automatically changing into a work uniform.

Orochimaru looked puzzled at this, but knew he had to eliminate this threat. So he lunged to swallow Kitsune whole since he was just standing there. But as he was close to making the kill Kitsune pulled out a big white thing and tossed it into Orochimaru's mouth.

"What is this?" the white snake hissed.

"Tic-tac, your breath stinks. When was the last time you brushed?" Kitsune asked as he waved his had back and forth in front of his face to get rid of the stench.

_Mmmm, cool mint, I like cool mint. Wait, I'm supposed to kill this guy, not enjoy this_ Orochimaru thought as he sucked on the breath mint.

"Hmm, I already given Bee-bee to the giant fox, what should I do with this one?" Kitsune pondered out loud. He was also wearing a thinking cap on his head with an energy efficient bulb screwed in.

Orochimaru lunged out again and like the first time he was stopped, but this time Kitsune held out his hand and said, "freeze!"

The huge white snake was frozen in midair only able to move its eyes.

"Huh, what do you know, watching all those Looney Tunes actually paid off" Kitsune said.

He then moved out of the way of Orochimaru's strike and in his place put a huge pile of TNT.

Orochimaru's eyes widen in a very comical way.

"Okay, go" Kitsune said away from the blast site.

Orochimaru unfroze and shot right to the big boom. He couldn't stop. His last thought before hitting was, _Mommy_.

A huge explosion erupted and after the smoke cleared was a charred white snake. Kitsune walked over.

"You dead yet?" he asked.

Orochimaru groaned.

"Hmm, I guess not. Well, lets see what else I got" Kitsune said as he rummaged through his rucksack.

Orochimaru got up shaking off his charred skin. He hissed and lunged again at Kitsune. Kitsune was still going through his sack when he pulled out a huge frying pan.

"When will I need this?" he asked himself as Orochimaru slammed right into the cast iron frying pan leaving a facial dent in it à la Looney Tunes.

Kitsune frowned.

"Now it's dented, I can't do a thing with this" he muttered as he tossed the frying pan away and went back to rummaging.

Orochimaru after some time was able to pry his face and head out of the frying pan. He hissed angrily at Kitsune and went to attack him again. This time Kitsune pulled out an already ticking time bomb.

"Huh, when did this get put in and why is it already on?" he murmured then chucked it behind him right at Orochimaru. The time bomb went right into the snake's mouth and down his gullet. A big explosion happened that made the middle of his body balloon as smoke came out of his nostrils and mouth along with the sides of his eyes. The snake looked completely dazed.

"Come on, come on I have to have something in here" Kitsune muttered as he kept rummaging through his rucksack.

Orochimaru shook off his stupor and readied himself for another attack, but this time with caution. But what he didn't see was Kitsune had been tossing out items from his rucksack as he was dazed. He first realized this when his tail landed in an Acme brand bear trap that Kitsune had tossed out during his sack search.

"YEOW!" the giant snake cried.

Kitsune ignored it as he kept looking and rummaging.

Next Orochimaru got in contact with many, many sharp tacks. He screamed in pain at this. After that he slipped on axle grease from an open drum of Acme brand axle grease that Kitsune had tossed out during his search. Orochimaru slipped and slid all around then slid right into a set of bowling pins that had been set up from Kitsune's tossing items out. But these bowling pins weren't normal ones, they had dynamite in them, lit dynamite. Orochimaru hit them and they exploded.

BOOM!

"I give, I give" Orochimaru cried not able to take any more his white body charred.

"Oh poo" Kitsune pouted looking up from his searching his rucksack.

Orochimaru begged for his life and Kitsune just couldn't stand a whiny snake. So he used the same hoop he used on the Orochimaru snake in Sasuke and made this one into a small garter snake.

"I'll call you Winnie" Kitsune said after placing his new pet in a glass tank.

**Outside the Curse Seal**

The mark morphed and changed to the fox holding maracas in its paws and stogie in its maw. Tayuya didn't feel a tickling sensation since it burned a bit, but that didn't last long.

"I have removed the Pale Pedo's mark from you. Now arise" Kitsune said.

Tayuya was shocked as she rose and was in a kind of stupor as she went over to Kin who gave her her new clothes.

Finally it was Karin's turn.

"Kneel, Karin" Kitsune said.

Karin knelt down with her head bent down revealing the back of her neck.

"Do you Karin solemnly swear to be my ever obedient servant in my quest to prank the entire world?" Kitsune asked.

"I do" Karin said with a slight stutter pause.

Kitsune marked her as well, "arise."

Karin did and got her new duds from Kin.

"Welcome my new followers to my cult, my New World Order. Welcome to P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G." Kitsune said.

"What the fucking hell does that even mean?" Tayuya asked.

"Eh, it was suppose to mean something" Kitsune said like this was a brand new concept.

There was sweatdrops by his new followers. Kin however didn't seem to even care about that.

"So our goal is to prank the entire world?" Karin asked.

"Yup" Kitsune said happily.

"And how do you suggest we do that?" Guren asked.

Kitsune grinned at this as he began to lay out his grand scheme of things. Guren, Karin and Tayuya were shocked seeing the plans. They were quite creative, inventive and actually well thought out in an insane kind of way. Kin had already seen the plans and was on board as long as she got her cotton candy it really didn't matter what she had to do really. She couldn't get enough of the sugary fluff. They also got the same book that Kin got when she entered Kitsune's service. It would be very helpful to them all.

/Scene Break/

Things in Konoha were mostly back to normal though that meant pranks went off everywhere and on anyone really. Two figures were running around screaming about their Springtime of Youth and on how Youthful their flames were. Everyone gave them a very wide berth.

"Guy-sensei, I feel my youthful flames aflaming" Lee said.

"Yes Lee, feel those flames flaming they will guide you to the great Springtime of Youth" Guy said.

"Guy-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Guy-sensei!"

"Lee!"

They then collided hugging each other, but something different happened along with the typical sunset and waves crashing upon the rocks. Their clothing vanished leaving the two completely naked and very bad porno music played.

Screams were heard throughout the crowd who had the displeasure of seeing the sight. They then began to claw at their eyes wanting to un-see what they had just seen. It was much horrid than it was before.

Guy and Lee not knowing of their new appearances released their hug from each other and began to run off again crying and screaming about the great power of the Springtime of Youth and how they were letting loose their flames of flaming youthfulness brilliantly.

They were caught by Anbu hours later and dragged them away so they can be dressed and fined for indecent exposure multiple times as well as disturbing the peace too along with other fines also.

/Scene Break/

Hana sighed as she was now on a date with Kitsune. She was so perplexed how this all happened. She had just finished her shift at the clinic when her mom grabbed her and ordered her to shower and change into something nice. Hana did and then was dragged by her mother to a nice restaurant where Kitsune was waiting dressed in a dress shirt and pants and looking quite sane. Which was a very drastic change from his usual demeanor.

"So, um, Kitsune, how are you?" she asked not really knowing what to say.

"Eh fine, I just enhanced the Green Bean duo's bromance, it's now a total brojob" Kitsune said.

"'Green Bean Duo', 'bromance' what are you talking about?" Hana asked. She didn't even want to know what a 'brojob' was at all.

"Those two shouting about flames and youth. Panda-hime's team" Kitsune said.

"Oh, that" Hana said. She remembered hearing about that and cringed. She had heard that those who had witnessed the sight all tried to gouge their eyes out and were in the hospital to heal those self-inflicted injuries. That and Guy and Lee didn't even notice their appearances and kept running around til they were taken down and dragged away to be dressed and had to pay a lot of fines for the crimes they had done.

"Yeah, it took me a while to think of something good for them" Kitsune said.

"Um yeah, good" Hana said.

"My Dog Maiden, I shall be honest with my feelings to you" Kitsune said being serious.

Hana blinked. She had never seen Kitsune like this.

"Hana, Naruto has always liked you. You were always so kind to him when he was younger and that made him develop a crush on you. Now I can feel the Naruto part of me mixing in with my side. So soon Naruto and me will become one, and soon too" Kitsune said.

Hana was shocked hearing this. Naruto had a crush on her. She remembered the times she had seen Naruto with Kiba and was always nice to Naruto. She didn't know why all the adults were mean to Naruto since he wasn't evil or whatever.

"You see, me and Naruto are two separate personalities, but they are now merging with me being the dominant. Only you know this. I haven't told Panda-hime yet or the old man" Kitsune said.

"So what you're saying is you and Naruto are combining into one with you being in control?" Hana asked.

Kitsune nodded.

"And that Naruto has always had a crush on me, but I thought he liked Sakura" Hana said.

"Eh, that pink-haired androgynous. He liked her, but not as much as he liked you. He just went after her since she was closer to his age and didn't fear the rejection he got from her as much as if you rejected him" Kitsune said.

Hana sat back since this was a heck of a lot to take in really. Naruto having a crush on her. Then the fact that Kitsune and Naruto personalities were merging into one with Kitsune's personality being the dominant one. It was a lot to take in really.

"Now I know this is a lot to take in and you don't have to give me an answer tonight, but just think about it. Oh and here's this too" Kitsune said as he handed Hana a pamphlet.

Hana took it and read the title, "So You Want to be with an Unhinged Mentally Unstable Individual?" She looked at Kitsune wondering if this was a joke.

"Just read it on your own time" Kitsune said.

Hana just nodded and put the pamphlet away for the time being.

They then ate and talked.

/Scene Break/

"What do you mean you and Naruto are merging?" Tenten asked confused and shocked.

"Just like I am saying. I can feel it here" Kitsune said tapping the side of his head.

Tenten and Kitsune were in Hiruzen's office when Kitsune told them the news.

"I see, do you know how much of Naruto will be present?" Hiruzen asked.

"Not really old man, there'll be glimmers and crap, but it'll be mainly me just you'll see peeks of Naruto in me now" Kitsune said.

"I see, this changes things" Hiruzen said.

"Eh, probably" Kitsune said with a shrug.

Tenten shook her head as she sat down. This was something so new to her and she wasn't sure what to think really.

"Panda-hime, you are and will always be #1 in my heart, but Naruto likes Hana and I can't erase that at all" Kitsune said.

"It's not that Kitsune, just a lot to take in" Tenten said with a deep sigh.

Kitsune nodded.

Hiruzen sat back and thought, _well, Naruto has always been the #1 unpredictable ninja and this again proves it._

**End of Chapter**

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**A/N: that ends this chap. What will happen next, I'm not to sure. I'll figure it out. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

* * *

_I don't own Naruto at all_

**A/N: Well, here's the new chap. I also want to thank snake1980 for the ideas they have given me to help with this chap. So thanks. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Danzo Shimura, the leader of Root, stalk the halls of his secret underground Root base. The sound of his cane hitting the stone floor the only sound heard echoing off the stone walls. He made it to his office and as soon as he fully sat down his chair shattered like it was made out of cheap matchsticks. Danzo grunted in pain and then tried to get up using his cane, but that fell apart as soon as he put his full weight on it and he went down again.

Only this time when he landed he felt several sharp pains that made him jump up. He looked to see he had sat on hundreds of super sharp tacks with some of them still stuck to his behind.

"Root, to me" he ordered as he picked the tacks off his butt.

The Root members appeared and Danzo had to pause since the mask his Root wear was different than they were usually. Since the normal Root masks were blank with a 'ne' on them. What they were now wearing was mask that had overly-exaggerated expressions of people looking like they had climaxed.

"What is it Master Danzo?" a Root member asked in an emotionless voice.

"Find me the jinchuriki brat and bring him to me" Danzo said.

"We will, Master Danzo" the second Root member said.

They then bowed and turned and left only to reveal attached to their backs were 'kick me' signs.

Danzo sighed.

/Scene Break/

Tayuya sat on a rooftop looking over Konoha.

"What are you doing up here Tayuya?" Kin asked.

"Just getting a lay of the land" Tayuya said.

"Oh, so that's all" Kin said not believing Tayuya at all.

"Fuck no, I'm wondering why I fucking signed up for this shit. I mean, I must be out of my motherfucking mind to do this" Tayuya said.

"Hey, it's not all bad and Kitsune rewards all those who are loyal" Kin said.

"I'm not into that stuff you eat Kin" Tayuya said.

"Kitsune will give you what you want as a reward" Kin said though in her mind she was beginning to think about more ways to get more cotton candy. It had been a while since her last fix.

"Whatever, say who's the fucker with the huge motherfucking pike up his tight ass?" Tayuya asked as she looked down to see Sasuke moodily making his way.

"Oh him, that's Sasuke Uchiha" Kin said looking down.

"Uchiha, he's the boy-toy that Orochimaru wants to play with" Tayuya said.

"Yeah. So?" Kin asked not sure where her friend's mind was going.

"I think it's time to test out what this goodie bag is good for" Tayuya said with a grin.

"Before you do that, you told me you use genjutsu, right" Kitsune said appearing out of nowhere.

"Holy mother of the fucking shit!" Tayuya shouted.

"Yo" Kitsune said in a very Kakashi-esque tone.

"Don't fucking scare me like that fucker" Tayuya growled.

Kitsune ignored Tayuya.

"So like I said, you use genjutsu, right" he said.

"Yeah, what about it" Tayuya said.

"I got you some new toys" Kitsune said.

Tayuya was curious as Kitsune rummaged through his rucksack then pulled out several items.

"This is a pan flute, and this is a music book full of songs. Each song has a name and music for it in both pan flute and the flute you use too. Plus there are seals on the pan flute too. You can store chakra in it so all you need to do is play a song on the flute and release the seal to do the jutsu. This will help save on chakra. Oh, and there are other woodwind instruments in there too that you can use also" Kitsune said.

"No fucking way" Tayuya said surprised.

"Yup, now have fun" Kitsune said then disappeared.

Tayuya began to devour the music book giggling in a very scary way. Kin blinked and wondered when Kitsune would give her new toys to play with since she uses ninja wire and bells.

"Fuck yeah, this is just the right one" Tayuya mumbled as she read.

/Scene Break/

Sasuke was stalking down the street ignoring everyone in his sight. He had his hands stuffed his pockets. He was peeved that he was a genin. He needed power to kill his brother and this damn village was holding him back, denying him the power he so rightfully deserved. His ears then began to pick a sound. He at first ignored it then got annoyed when it kept going. But soon he started to move to the rhythm he was hearing.

Everyone stopped to watch as the last Uchiha began to dance like the King of Pop. He then began to do the Moon Walk and grabbed his groin in a very generous way doing a very high pitch sound. Then after dancing like the King of Pop he threw himself to the ground and began to gyrate and get it on with the ground and hump it like no tomorrow. He even provided great sound effects with it grunting and groaning.

Women had to cover their kids' eyes and ear from the scene. Guys felt so uncomfortable watching this and turned away or ran the other way as fast as they could. Other women looked appalled. While some, men and women, were turned on by the sight, the perverts. Sasuke kept going til he let out a guttural groan that only meant thing, he came. When he finished he got up and walked away confused as to why he was being stared at. And why the hell was he so tired and had dirt all over himself.

/Scene Break/

"Um Tayuya, what genjutsu was that?" Kin asked.

She and Tayuya were still on the roof and had watched the whole thing from their position.

"It's not a genjutsu at all really. According to this book I can play songs that implants suggestions into the victim's mind and when I put chakra into it they do the suggestions. They can't not do it and they won't remember what they've done after" Tayuya said pleased with herself.

Kin was now afraid of Tayuya as she watched the redhead continue reading her book grinning like a maniac.

/Scene Break/

"Master" Guren said.

"Eh, what's up?" Kitsune asked.

"This is Yukimaru, he's my, brother" Guren said.

Kitsune looked at the boy hiding behind Guren then nodded.

"Right, Guren he'll stay with you in my condo complex I'm planning to build to house my minions" Kitsune said.

Guren nodded then left with Yukimaru in hand.

/Scene Break/

Tenten sighed as she leaned her back against a tree. Her mind still going over what Kitsune had said about him and Naruto merging into one. She wasn't really sure what to think on that. Then there was the fact that Naruto liked Hana and wanted her to join in. She's always had Kitsune's attention, and now having to share that with another. She wasn't sure if she could handle that.

"Um excuse me, are you Tenten?"

Tenten looked up and saw the object of her thoughts standing there, Hana Inuzuka.

"Yes, that's me" the weapons mistress said.

"Oh good. My name is Hana, Hana Inuzuka" Hana said.

The two shook hands.

"Nice to meet you, but, um, why are you here?" Tenten asked.

"Well you see, my mom wants me to get to know Kitsune, Naruto, whoever he is now and I know he is around with you a lot. So I thought we should get to know each other since we'll probably be spending a lot of time together" Hana said.

Tenten nodded.

"So, um, you did a good job in the finals" Hana said.

"Thanks, Kitsune helped me train" Tenten said.

Hana nodded.

There was silence as both were trying to think of something else to talk about. They really didn't know one another and now they're being thrown together with Kitsune.

"Tenten" a voice growled.

Tenten peeked her head around Hana as Hana turned her head and both girls saw the person who had spoke was none other then Neji and he looked like he had seen better days. His hair was a mess, he had bloodshot eyes and there was a tic in both of them too. The tics also had a different rhythm for each eyelid.

"Neji, what happened to you?" Tenten asked concerned for her teammate.

"Where's the asshole that has done this to me?" Neji asked in a half-crazed tone.

Tenten blinked. She had never heard Neji sound so on the edge ready to fall over.

"Who are you talking about?" she asked.

"You know who I am talking about damnit. The asshole who did that fucked up jutsu so whenever I walk in anywhere that _song_ plays" Neji growled.

"Oh, Kitsune. Not sure where he is right now" Tenten said.

"RIGHT HERE PANDA-HIME!" Kitsune shouted as fireworks and flares went off all around him to announce his entrance.

Neji leapt a good fifteen feet in the air screaming like a girl before falling backwards hitting his rump hard.

"Huh, I pegged you as a Mezzo-soprano. Not a full Soprano. You learn something new everyday" Kitsune said in a very surprised, but intrigued fashion.

"YOU, I DEMAND YOU TO REMOVE THIS SONG FROM ME!" Neji shouted, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ALL THE CRAP I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH WITH THIS DAMN SONG FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE! I CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PEACE WITHOUT EVERYONE KNOWING IT'S ME! REMOVE THIS FROM ME!"

Kitsune just stared at Neji without blinking. Tenten sighed as she walked over with Hana following. She decided to stay around since she was going to be a part of this chaos she might as well be around to get de-sensitized to it. Well, as much as she could any way. She also decided to follow Tenten's example for the moment til she figured out where she stood and got comfortable with where her life was taking her now.

Tenten noticed something in Kitsune's ears and sighed and pulled them out. They were ear-plugs.

"Kitsune" she said.

"What, he was loud, I didn't want to ruin my hearing" Kitsune whined.

Neji's eye tics increased.

"Did you even hear what he said?" Hana asked.

"Yeah it went something like 'I'm a whiny little girl that brushes her hair fifty times like Marcia Brady to get all silky smooth', right" Kitsune said.

"No, not even close" Hana said with a sigh.

"Oh, then I wasn't listening. I have a don't listen to whiny bitches rule" Kitsune said.

"Neji wants you take remove his entrance music you put on him" Tenten said.

"Whaaa, but it so fits him. That's why I picked it. He's quite inconsiderate treating my present in such a rude manner. He's off my Christmas card list" Kitsune said and huffed as he crossed his arms in an upset manner.

Hana blinked not even sure what to say or do. She looked to Tenten and found she wasn't phased by this at all.

_Of course she wouldn't even notice this kind of thing. To her this is normal. What the hell did I get myself into?_ the Inuzuka female thought looking up at the heavens.

"Remove this damn song or I'll kill you!" Neji shouted.

Hana looked a bit worried since Neji didn't look like he was bluffing at all. Kitsune looked bored and Tenten was waiting on what Kitsune would do.

"Come forth my minion! Kin, I choose you!" Kitsune called as he pulled out a red and white ball out and threw it. The ball flew then opened up and a flash of white light came out.

Kin blinked as she stood there wondering how the hell she got here. The last thing she remembered was she was on the rooftop with Tayuya watching as the redhead cackled as she read her music book. She turned to see her master, Kitsune, and knew he did something.

"Okay, I have the who, but where's the why and how?" she asked.

"I have summoned you Kin, you are here to deal with him" Kitsune said.

Kin looked to Neji then turned back to Kitsune.

"And what am I supposed to do with him?" she asked.

"Ah yes, I hadn't thought that far ahead. Hmm, let me see where was it" Kitsune muttered as he pulled out of his rucksack a script that had the title of 'Kitsune &amp; Panda' on it. He flipped through the script murmuring and muttering.

"Is that a script?" Hana whispered to Tenten.

"Yes, and don't ask" Tenten whispered back.

Hana just nodded feeling she was going to get those words a lot now and would probably be a new motto for her. Kin awaited patiently for whatever her master had up his sleeve.

Neji however wasn't in the waiting mood and lunged forward wanting to kill Kitsune. But he was stopped by Kin, who decided to try out some goodies she had in her bag. She got in front of Neji and pulled a medium sized silver colored bell from her rucksack and held it in front of her. She began to wave it in front of Neji. The clang of the bell was quite soothing to listen to. As well as it was quite shiny so your eyes were attracted to it instantly.

"You're getting sleepy, very sleepy, your eyelids are getting heavy, your limbs are getting heavy, you don't want to fight, to kill, you want to just curl up in your warmest hot pink blanket and cuddle your Sasuke chibi doll. When I snap my fingers you will come out of your sleep with no memory of wanting to attack or kill my master" Kin said in a slow soothing voice.

Neji tried to fight it, but the bell had put him in a hypnotic trance. Once under Kin smirked. She knew watching all the hypnotism videos would pay off in the end.

"Excellent my minion, now… Finish Him" Kitsune said sounding like a certain Mortal Kombat announcer in the end.

Kin grinned as her mind flooded with all possible things she could make Neji do. Then a bright light bulb went off. An actual light bulb did appear over Kin's head, an energy efficient light bulb to precise.

"Every time you enter a room you'll strut like you're a fashion model on a catwalk. You stop and pose like cameras are flashing all around you and when the music ends you go back to normal not knowing what you've done" she said.

"And to further it along, I shall do this" Kitsune said.

He then did some hand signs.

"Entrance Music Jutsu Deux!" he called.

Kin then snapped her fingers and Neji woke up.

"What just happened?" he asked as he yawned.

"Nothing, now go about your business" Kitsune said in a jovial British tone.

Neji blinked and nodded and left.

"What kind of music did you put on him now?" Tenten asked curiously.

"Why Panda-hime, why tell when showing is so much better. You too my Dog Maiden" Kitsune said.

"Can I come too master?" Kin asked.

"Of course my minion. You must see the fruits of your labor" Kitsune said.

So they left to follow Neji.

/Scene Break/

They followed Neji as he entered a restaurant. As soon as he stepped through the threshold a new song began to play.

_(Cherry Pie by Warrant)_

Neji began to strut like a top fashion model stopping and posing. Everyone in the restaurant just stared agape. None knew what to say even though they knew this was Kitsune's work. Some even had to stifle their laughter while others felt a bit green as Neji struck pose after pose with that infamous super model blank face.

As soon as the song ended Neji blinked and went to find a seat curious to why he was being stared at.

Outside the group had watched.

"Kitsune, why'd you give Neji that song?" Tenten asked.

"Why not, Panda-hime" Kitsune responded.

Hana now really knew she was way out of her depth and would need all the help she could get and that meant to a lot of conversation with Tenten.

"Yeah, I think it suits him well" Kin added in.

"Tenten, could we go somewhere to talk?" Hana asked.

Tenten looked at Hana and saw that the older girl really wanted to talk and nodded.

"Great, my two favorite girls Panda-hime and Dog Maiden together" Kitsune cried in happiness.

"It is a truly joyous event master" Kin said as she wiped a tear from her eye with a white lace hanky she had pulled out of nowhere.

Hana blinked and Tenten rolled her eyes and led Hana away. Though not heading to the restaurant they had just watched. She wanted to talk to Hana somewhere else. Maybe the hot springs that was pretty private.

"Right, well that was fun. Now what next?" Kitsune asked as he clapped his hands together.

/Scene Break/

Kitsune was walking whistling when he heard a giggle. He quirked an eyebrow up and went to investigate. What he found made his blood boil a bit. There he saw a man with long white hair crouched by a tall wooden fence. Kitsune knew beyond that fence was the hot springs, the hot springs for the females to be more specific. Kitsune could feel the Naruto side upset that someone was peeking on women like this. Now Kitsune felt that same too since he sensed in the 'force' that Panda-hime and Dog Maiden were there.

So he decided he must do something to save the two. He crept up on the pervert and did some hand signs.

"Sign From Above Jutsu" he whispered.

Above the pervert was a giant floating neon green sign that read; 'Pervert Right here! Beatings Are First Come, First Serve! Beat to Your Heart's Content!' There was also a big flashing arrow pointing down right at the pervert to enhance things.

He then left with hands in his pockets whistling when he heard the screams of a slightly girlish manner and he grinned and began to whistling 'What A Wonderful World' by Louis Armstrong.

/Scene Break/

"Caught again?" Hiruzen asked looking up.

In his window was one of his old students, Jiraiya.

"Yeah, and I don't know how? I didn't do anything to make my appearance known this time" he said hopping down from the window and into the office.

"Hm, I am sure it was because of Kitsune, but not sure the reason if there is one" Hiruzen said.

"Who the hell is Kitsune?" Jiraiya asked.

Hiruzen frowned.

"You do read the reports I give you, don't you?" he asked.

"I skim them" Jiraiya mumbled.

Hiruzen sighed.

"Sit back and I'll give you a summary" he said.

So Jiraiya sat and listened to what happened to his godson and how he is now Kitsune with the Naruto side blending into Kitsune to become one. Hiruzen also gave Jiraiya a short run-down on what Kitsune can do. Jiraiya sat there shocked.

_Shit, I really should've read those things, but I was so busy with my spy network as well as my research to really read it. Minato and Kushina are going to kill when I reach those pearly white gates_ he thought.

"Nice story old man, but you could've used more visual aids. It gets quite boring just listening to you" Kitsune said.

Jiraiya jumped and turned to see Kitsune sitting by him in a movie theater seat with a big tub of popcorn in his lap.

"Hey, you're the pervert that was peeping" Kitsune said casually.

"Pervert, I am not pervert" Jiraiya exclaimed as he jumped up from his seat.

"Oh" Kitsune said.

"I AM A SUPER PERVERT!" Jiraiya cried with a very enthusiastic manner.

"Oh, then I'm sorry" Kitsune said.

"Eh, what?" Jiraiya asked not expecting that reaction.

Kitsune did some hand signs.

"Sign From Above Deux!" he said.

Jiraiya blinked.

"What kind of jutsu is that kid?" he asked.

"The one that I used to get your girl screaming ass beaten" Kitsune said.

"WHAT! That was You!" Jiraiya shouted as he pointed at Kitsune.

"Yup, you were peeping at my Panda-hime and Dog Maiden. I will not allow anyone to look on them in such a manner. They are mine, no one else's" Kitsune said.

"'Panda-hime, Dog Maiden'? Who are they?" Jiraiya asked.

"That would be Tenten Kisaragi and Hana Inuzuka" Hiruzen said.

"Oh, Hehehehehehe, I like it. Those names. Yes that will do nicely" Jiraiya giggled perverted as he began to scribble away.

Kitsune didn't like this and pulled out something from his ever-trusty rucksack. It was a smoke bomb of some kind. Hiruzen watching this took cover.

_Sorry Jiraiya, but you brought this on yourself_ he thought.

Kitsune threw the smoke bomb at Jiraiya and the sannin was covered in smoke. When the smoke cleared Jiraiya stood there not in his normal attire, but in a very tight red cocktail dress with matching red heels and you could see his hairy legs. His face done up with make-up to make him more 'glamorous' with his ears pierced wearing earrings along with a necklace that made your eyes glance down at where cleavage would be if he were an actual woman.

"Hey brat, what did you do to me?" Jiraiya asked, but his voice wasn't normal either as it now sounded like Kathleen Turner-esque in that smoky sultry way.

Camera flashes blinded the sannin and those photo taken by Kitsune would be placed in the Bingo Book just like another sannin. Now two out of the three sannin could never show their faces ever again.

"Your punishment in trying to use my ladies in your perverted fashion" Kitsune said then clicked his fingers together and Jiraiya's notepad was instantly shredded.

"MY BABIES!" Jiraiya cried still with that voice.

He cried over the ruins of his notepad.

Kitsune sighed and looked bored.

"Old man, who is this drag queen?" he asked.

"Drag queen?! You're the one who put me in this. But for your information I am the great sage of the toads, men tremble and shake at the mere mention of my name, women throw themselves at me. I am the Gallant Jiraiya!" Jiraiya said as he then summoned a toad to finish off his entrance. He was still wearing the whole outfit and had the changed voice too throughout this.

Kitsune and his clones held up cards with their scores. -10, -20 and -∞.

"What the hell is with the score brat?" Jiraiya asked.

"You suck" Kitsune and his clones said in unison.

"I want a second opinion" Jiraiya said.

"Okay, you really, really suck" a newly made fourth Kitsune clone said.

Jiraiya growled at this.

"Well see ya old man, Drag Queen" Kitsune said then went to jump out the window.

"Kitsune, how long will Jiraiya stay like that?" Hiruzen asked having risen from under his desk when the smoke literally cleared.

"Eh, an hour and a half, maybe longer. I never read the manual" Kitsune said then left.

"A HOUR AND A HALF OR LONGER!" Jiraiya cried.

Hiruzen sighed and shook his head as he put a lot of pipe weed in his pipe. He'll need it.

/Scene Break/

In the hot spring Hana and Tenten were relaxing. They did have to get out and beat a pervert that had been peeping on them, but now they were back to relaxing and getting back on their conversation they were having.

"That was Kitsune who did that to the pervert" Tenten said.

"I see, so he does have some good uses" Hana said.

"He's fun to be around really" Tenten said.

"Yeah, I guess. Some of his pranks he's done and heard about are funny" Hana said.

"Look, I know this is a lot to take in. But I can tell you that you'll never find someone more loyal or great to be around than Kitsune. Sure, there may be times where you'll need to rein him in, but he's really a good guy and with Naruto's personality mixing in with Kitsune he might be not as crazy" Tenten said though she wasn't absolutely positive on the last part.

"You might be right. Just never thought this would happen to me" Hana said with a sigh as she rested her back agains the rocks.

"Me neither. This wasn't my plan either" Tenten said.

"Can I ask how you and Kitsune met?" Hana asked.

"Yeah, you can. It's been a long time I guess" Tenten said as she thought back.

She remembered back when she first met Kitsune. It was after Kitsune had made a reappearance and was wrecking havoc on everyone. He came upon Tenten and his eyes went wide and then he swooped down à la Tarzan and hugged her tightly.

**Flashback**

"I have finally found you, my one and only" he cried.

"Um, who are you?" Tenten asked as she tried to pry Kitsune off her.

"I'm sorry my fair lady. I am the gallant and master of the graceful art of pranking, I am the GREAT KITSUNE!" Kitsune proclaimed as fireworks blew up behind him damaging several buildings.

"Kitsune" Tenten said.

"Yes, and what is your name my lovely maiden?" Kitsune asked as he kissed her hand.

Tenten blushed.

"My name is Tenten" she said.

"Tenten, hmm, Tenten. I like it. But I think I shall call you my Panda-hime from now on" Kitsune said.

"Why?" Tenten asked.

"Why not" Kitsune said.

"You're strange" Tenten said.

"Thank you" Kitsune said with a happy grin. "Come on, let us go Panda-hime, I must show you my glorious world." He was now floating on a magic carpet holding out his hand to Tenten, who took it though wondered where that flying carpet came from.

**End Flashback**

"So you just met him and became his 'Panda-hime' even though you've never met him before?" Hana asked.

"Yeah, it's funny and odd. But that's Kitsune. I may have known him for a long time, but even I don't always know what's going on in his head. I've just learned to go with it and act like I know. He's always nice and explains things to me" Tenten said.

"I'm not sure if I'll get used to this" Hana said with a sigh.

"You will, trust me. Just relax and let go. Reason and rational thought doesn't really exist with Kitsune" Tenten said.

"Yeah, but Naruto is merging with Kitsune. So what will that mean?" Hana said.

Tenten frowned as she sunk into the hot spring til she could blow bubbles. She still had a lot to think about with this change.

**End of Chapter**

* * *

**A/N: right, I put in some back story of how Kitsune met his Panda-hime, which I wasn't planning on really, but as I was writing it led to this. I know this is getting a bit more serious and not as wacky as my earlier chaps, but trust me there will be more wacky crazy stuff not much serious ahead, but there will possible be more of these more serious moments, but not too many really and they won't get too serious either. Oh, and those who get the flying carpet thing I put in get a nice cookie. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

* * *

_I don't own Naruto at all_

**A/N: right, here's the seventh chap of this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Kakashi was walking down the street with his nose buried in his book. Kitsune saw this and decided something needed to be done. Not about Kakashi's reading, but something else. It was boring just watching the jounin read. Kitsune grinned and performed hand signs.

"Strolling Music Jutsu" he said.

Soon music began to play as Kakashi walked and read.

_(Erotica by Madonna)_

Kakashi stopped and looked up and the music stopped. But he began to walk and read again, and the music began again. Everyone on the street looked at the one-eyed jounin and making more room for him than they had before.

Kitsune grinned, "much better."

/Scene Break/

Hiruzen sighed as he finally finished another mountain of paperwork.

_That's it, I am hanging it up. I am too old for this shit. Now, to find the turke- I mean my replacement. Who could be so gullible to take this job. Hmm, oh I know who_ the old Hokage thought as a smile spread across his lips.

/Scene Break/

Jiraiya sighed. He had gotten a mission from his old sensei and Hokage. He was tasked to get the new Hokage. The reason why was because he knew the person and could possibly persuade her to come back. But there was a catch. He had to bring along help. That help would be in the form of Kitsune, Tenten and Hana. Unusual since it's two genin and a chunin. But that was his orders and he'd follow them.

"Hey brat" he said.

Kitsune looked up from his super jumbo-sized bowl of ramen. The bowl was the size of a king-sized wok really.

"Whaff, doo you aunt drwag weueen?" Kitsune asked with his mouthful.

Tenten looked up from her normal bowl of ramen and Hana did the same. The two girls decided to spend time with Kitsune. So Hana could get used to Kitsune more and the two girls get used to each other with Kitsune. Tsume was pleased with this and allowed it with great enthusiasm. Hana was sure she heard her mom happily cry about grandbabies to spoil when she left, but a part of her figured it was her imagination.

"What did he say?" Hana asked.

"He said, 'what do you want Drag Queen?' I believe" Tenten said.

Hana shook her head. She couldn't figure out how Tenten could understand that.

"You did that to me brat, I am not a Drag Queen!" Jiraiya accused.

"Not according to this" Kitsune said as he pulled out a Bingo Book from his rucksack.

Jiraiya read it and his eyes widen as he began to cry. A photo and a couple words now destroyed his hard-earned reputation. All of his information was there with some new stuff. He now had the title of 'Fabulous Drag Queen', there was a photo of him from his little photo session when he was dressed up. The photos were of course photo-shopped a bit to make Jiraiya more feminine without altering it too much to make Jiraiya actually look good as a woman.

Tenten and Hana looked at it and tried to smother their laughter. Ayame who was there saw and didn't hide her laughter.

"Kitsune, I can't believe you did that to one of the sannin" Tenten said.

"He's a pervert, wait, I forgot. A 'Super Pervert'. And he was peeping in on you and Dog Maiden" Kitsune said making sure to do the air quotes in the right spots.

"Oh, well then he had what was coming to him. Thank you for defending us Kitsune" Tenten said.

Hana nodded smiling.

"Look brat, I got a mission and you're coming with along with your two girls. So pay for your meals, get packed and lets go" Jiraiya said still very unhappy about his updated entry in the Bingo Book.

"Nah, I'll pass. Missions are boring and boring means work" Kitsune said going back to his bowl.

"What is the mission?" Hana asked.

"We're to get the new Hokage" Jiraiya said.

"But I thought the Third was feeling fine?" Hana asked.

"He wants to retire and asked me to get his new successor" Jiraiya said.

"Who is it?" Tenten asked.

"Tsunade Senju" Jiraiya said.

A loud, I mean a very, very, very loud squeal erupted and it all came from Tenten.

"Tsunade, the Tsunade Senju. The Slug princess herself. We're going to go get her, she's going to be the new Hokage. Oh my gosh, Kitsune we have to go. I have to meet my idol. Please, please, please, please" Tenten pleaded.

"Why didn't you say that in the first place Drag Queen. Let us go Panda-hime, Dog Maiden" Kitsune said.

Hana and Jiraiya blinked since Kitsune wasn't sitting on his stool any more. He was standing just outside the stand all packed and ready to go wearing a grey trench coat with matching fedora. They turned back and saw the bill had been paid and there was an empty bowl. What was shocking was there had to have been at least three-fourths left in that huge Russia sized bowl and Kitsune ate all that in record time.

_How did he eat all of that so fast_ Hana and Jiraiya thought.

Tenten was in heaven as she bounced and giggled in her stool. She was so happy. She was going to meet her idol.

"Kitsune, I need to get my stuff" Hana said.

"No need my Dog Maiden. I got it all" Kitsune said.

Hana saw that he did in fact have her gear. She wondered how he got into the Inuzuka compound so quickly, find her room and get her stuff. And wondered if she should be scared that Kitsune could do this or not.

Jiraiya shook his head.

"Fine, lets just go" he said.

Tenten hopped off her stool and pecked Kitsune on the cheek and picked up her stuff, which Kitsune had also brought too. Hana grabbed her things and they followed Jiraiya to the gates and out of the village.

/Scene Break/

"Sooooooooooo Borrrrrrrrrrrred" Kitsune groaned.

Tenten was walking with a bounce in her step as she had a big grin.

"How can you be bored Kitsune, we're going to meet Tsunade Senju" she said.

"But I'm not doing anything" Kitsune complained.

"Right, here we are" Jiraiya said.

"Where are we?" Hana asked.

"A place we should stop in. Come on, lets go to the hotel and get some rooms. We'll stay here tonight then continue on tomorrow" Jiraiya said.

Tenten pouted, but nodded.

Kitsune looked around and his eyes were sparkling.

"Fresh meat" he murmured.

On their way to the hotel five buildings exploded and when the dusted settled the building was still standing, but now they looked like phalluses in various pastel colors. Hana saw this and sighed as she shook her head. She was slowly becoming immune to these kinds of things. Jiraiya looked horrified. Tenten didn't even seem to notice at all. Once at the hotel Jiraiya got two rooms one for Tenten and Hana and the other for himself and Kitsune.

"Right, you head up. I need, to, um, see some contacts" Jiraiya said as he eyed some women walk by.

He then left following them closely.

"Not going to do anything to him Kitsune?" Hana asked.

"Eh, nah. Nothing yet" Kitsune said with a shrug.

They headed up to their rooms with Hana and Tenten checking out their before heading to Kitsune's room. They sat and began to chat.

"So what was with the erect phallus for buildings Kitsune?" Hana asked.

"Eh those, I didn't have enough time to be more creative. I worked with what I had" Kitsune said.

"I see" Hana said slowly.

"Yeah, if I had more time I'd have done more" Kitsune said with a foxy grin on his face.

Hana shook her head.

Tenten was just daydreaming about meeting her idol.

A knock on the door startled them a bit.

"He's back already" Tenten said breaking out her fantasy.

"He works fast" Hana commented.

"Heh, too fast" Kitsune said.

He then got up and opened the door to see it wasn't Jiraiya, but two men. One was tall and was blue with gills while the other was shorter and had black hair and a blank expression. They were both wearing black cloaks with red clouds on them.

"I'm sorry, but the frat party is two doors down. I hear the Journey of the Swollen Ass is about to begin" Kitsune said.

"What the hell?" the blue man asked.

"You are here for the frat party right? You're dressed for it" Kitsune said.

"What kind of shit is in that head of yours brat?" the blue man asked.

"Only the good stuff I assure you" Kitsune said.

The blue man just stared at Kitsune with a 'what the fuck' look.

"Enough, Naruto, you're to come with us" the shorter man said in an emotionless tone.

"As much as I'd love to Itachi, but you know I like girls like my Panda-hime, and Dog Maiden" Kitsune said.

Itachi's stance changed hearing this.

"Kisame, we need to go" he said with urgency in his voice.

"What, no way we're here so lets grab the brat and go" Kisame said.

"No Kisame, we're not prepared for this" Itachi said with a hint of warning in his tone. Which was different from his usual monotone he used.

"Prepared, what the hell are you talking about Itachi? It's just a little shrimp here" Kisame said thinking his partner had lost his mind.

Itachi of course knew what was going on since he had watched over Naruto while he was in Anbu and had experienced Kitsune first hand. Kisame hadn't and would be in for it. Kitsune loved initializing the 'virgins' as Kitsune put it.

"ITACHI!"

Three heads turned to see Sasuke Uchiha standing at the end of the hall fuming.

"EMO DUCK!" Kitsune cried happily.

Sasuke's eye twitched.

"Emo Duck, Kitsune?" Itachi asked with a slight arched eyebrow.

"Yeah, his hair looks like a duck's butt and he's all emo like" Kitsune said.

"I see" Itachi said.

Kisame did his best to swallow the laughter that was bubbling up since he could see how boy that looked like a younger Itachi would get the nickname.

"Eh Itachi, that runt looks just like you" he said.

"He's my little brother" Itachi said. "Hello Sasuke."

"I've been doing as you told me Itachi. I've bottled up all my hate and got stronger now time to… DIE!" Sasuke screamed.

He charged forward after doing hand signs and a hand full of crackling lightning.

"Boring" Kitsune said, "the revenge angle has been overused _way_ too much."

Sasuke never made it even close to Itachi as Kitsune pulled out a huge flyswatter and smacked Sasuke with it slamming him into the nearby wall. Sasuke stayed there embedded in the wall before slowly peeling off and hitting the ground leaving a Sasuke's shape print in the wall.

Kisame winced a bit watching this. He knew that had to hurt like hell.

"What the hell was that?" he asked.

"Oh, just my Emo Swatter, patent pending" Kitsune said proudly as he held the huge flyswatter. On the handle were the words, 'Emo Swatter 2000'.

Kisame shook his head.

"Back to business, come with us brat or I'll start shaving limbs" he said as he hefted his sword.

Kitsune ignored Kisame and turned to Itachi.

"So what have you been up to since you decided to be a noble sacrifice and killing your whole clan to protect the village from a coup your whining pussy bitch of a papa was planning?" Kitsune asked.

"How'd you, never mind. I don't want to know. But I've been doing fine Kitsune" Itachi said casually.

"Kitsune why are you talking to Itachi, he's a missing nin?" Tenten asked.

"No he's not. He's just misunderstood" Kitsune said.

"No, he's a missing nin" Hana said.

"What, no one who loves the great apostles Moe, Curly, Larry and sometimes Shemp could ever be a missing nin" Kitsune said with indignation.

Tenten sighed heavily.

"It's alright Kitsune" Itachi said calmly.

"Fine, but here. I've been meaning to give you this, but haven't til now" Kitsune said as he pulled out of his rucksack and handed Itachi a package.

"Th-th-th-th-that's?" Itachi stuttered.

"Yup, I got it all, it's all there" Kitsune said.

"Kitsune, you are a god" Itachi said as he held the package tightly looking very happy. Which was a totally new look for the usually stone-faced Uchiha.

"Hm, Kitsune the god. I like that" Kitsune said as he thought about this new title.

"Please don't give him these wild ideas" Tenten pleaded to Itachi falling back into the casualness she had with Itachi years ago when she just knew him as Anbu, Weasel, watching Kitsune.

"Eh Itachi, what you got there?" Kisame asked curiously.

"Kisame, this is something that I've been wanting for a while" Itachi said.

"What is it?" Kisame asked.

"Oh, it's this" Itachi said as he opened the package, "it's the limited edition Hello Kitty comic that they only printed five hundred copies of. It's rare because this was one of the few Hello Kitty comics done in all color and in its original Japanese language too. And this one is in mint condition and still sealed too. I've been wanting this for a long time." The missing nin then let out a girly squeal of happiness.

"Dude, you're into that?" Kisame asked totally shocked.

"What, they're good stuff" Itachi said not ashamed of his hobby at all. "Besides I'm not the only one. Konan is also a Hello Kitty collector too. She's going to be so jealous I have this." He was grinning as he could imagine Konan's face.

Kisame couldn't believe his partner liked that kind of thing and wondered if it was too late to change partners.

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE KISAME HOSHIGAKI OF THE SEVEN SWORDSMEN!" Tenten cried out.

"Yeah, that's me" Kisame said as his ears were still ringing.

"Please, please sign this please?" Tenten asked as she whipped out an autograph book from her person.

"Eh, sure" Kisame said as he signed Tenten's autograph book.

Tenten squealed happily as she held the book to her chest.

"What's with her?" Kisame asked.

"Panda-hime loves weapons" Kitsune said.

"Ah" Kisame said in understanding.

Hana was now wondering what she had gotten into.

"NEVER FEAR THE GREAT JIRAIYA IS HERE!" the toad sannin announced.

"Leave Drag Queen, you're ruining a wonderful reunion here" Kitsune said shooing Jiraiya away.

"What's going on here?" Jiraiya asked confused as he looked at Kitsune, Kisame and Itachi as well as Tenten and Hana.

"We were all having a nice chat til you came" Kitsune sighed.

"We must be going. Kitsune, see you later" Itachi said bowing his head.

"Yeah, it was great seeing you too Itachi. Happy trails Weasel" Kitsune said.

Itachi just nodded and dragged Kisame away.

"Brat, do you have any idea what you've just done?" Jiraiya asked.

"Yeah, said goodbye to the one of the only guys who understand my artistic flare" Kitsune said.

Jiraiya sighed and looked at Tenten and Hana. Tenten's eyes widen when Kitsune said 'weasel' since she now knew who Itachi was in her memory.

"That was Weasel?" she asked.

"Yup" Kitsune said.

"Can someone please fill me in?" Hana asked very confused.

"Yeah, Itachi, well, Weasel was one of the few Anbu, well, probably the only Anbu who could handle Kitsune really. They got along real well and Weasel just let Kitsune be Kitsune never trying to anything to rein him in. Heck, he even helped Kitsune sometimes with his pranks especially if they were on his own clan" Tenten said.

"You're kidding" Hana said in disbelief.

"No, I'm not" Tenten said shaking her head as she remembered those days though in a fond manner.

"Unbelievable" Hana muttered.

"Brat, do you realize what you've done?" Jiraiya asked.

"Hm, yeah. Those two were members of the Akatsuki. A group of some of the most messed up, fucked up bad ass missing nin in all of the Elemental Nations. Their primary objective is to collect the nine biju and do some funky shit with them in their hare-brain scheme to bring world peace by making everyone feeling what real pain and sorrow is or some kind of emo weepy bullshit like that. I think the leader Pein has been huffing a lot of the bad stuff. He shouldn't be doing that. Who knows where that stuff has been grown really or what it's been cut with either. He really should be smoking what I got since I sell 100% natural shit, with no fillers cut in" Kitsune said.

Jiraiya stared at Kitsune stunned. Even he didn't have that kind of info on the Akatsuki.

"How do you know all of this?" the sannin asked.

"Oh this" Kitsune said as he held up a thick book that read; "Naruto" on it. "I've got a great deal of it."

"Kitsune, what is that?" Tenten asked.

"This Panda-hime is the full script of events" Kitsune said.

"I see" Tenten said.

"Yup" Kitsune chirped.

Hana just blinked. This was way too far from her comfort zone to be happy with.

/Scene Break/

The group was back on the road til they finally reached Tanzaku and that's where they'd hopefully find Tsunade. It took some time, but they found her when they headed into a restaurant to eat dinner. Tsunade was there also eating. Tenten was super excited and was able to get her autograph. They also met a young woman named Shizune who was Tsunade's apprentice and companion as the slug sannin drank and racked up debt. When talk came about Tsunade turned down the offer to be Hokage dissing it.

"Yeah, you're probably right. The Hokage should be someone super badass awesome not some wrinkled, saggy bags drunkard that pisses away money just as fast as they can down a bottle of saké" Kitsune said.

"What was that brat?" Tsunade growled.

"Just stating a fact. You're too old, washed up and pathetic to be Hokage. We might as well let Drag Queen take on the role since at least he got a pair though they are pea-sized at best" Kitsune said.

"Thanks brat" Jiraiya growled.

"THAT'S IT, OUTSIDE BRAT! YOU'RE DEAD!" Tsunade shouted.

"But I won already" Kitsune said.

"What do you me-" Tsunade asked, but fell head first on the table unconscious.

"Lady Tsunade!" Shizune exclaimed.

"Brat, what did you do?" Jiraiya asked shocked.

"What did you do Kitsune?" Tenten cried as she stared at her idol.

Hana was just plain shocked.

"I just dosed her saké with enough tranquilizers to take down a T-Rex. Now lets haul her ass back to Konoha and we're done" Kitsune said.

Shizune did a check and found Tsunade was just knocked out. She was relieved, but surprised that this young boy was able to drug her sensei so easily.

"How did you do it, we never saw you move?" she asked.

"A wizard never reveals their secrets" Kitsune said in a croaking mystic voice. He even had the matching outfit dressed as a wizard with dark purple robes, a long white beard and twinkling blue eyes.

Tenten was relieved that her idol was alright, but she was going to have a talk with Kitsune about drugging her idol like that. And giving her no warning at all.

Jiraiya shook his head. He couldn't believe it. No one and he meant no one had ever drugged Tsunade ever. Not even Orochimaru.

"Well come on, lets go" Kitsune said.

Everyone blinked and found Kitsune already waiting at the door with Tsunade in a wheelbarrow.

/Scene Break/

When Tsunade awoke she was pissed. She had been drugged, which had never happened to her before. And she was back in Konoha too. The place that had taken so much from her. She was going to find that brat and kill him. Oh, yes she was going to take her time too. He'd be suffering and wishing for death when she was done with him. She'd never let him get that release though.

"Where's the brat?" she asked angrily.

No one of course helped her since first they were scared of the mood Tsunade was in since not even Jiraiya had pissed her off this much ever. Plus, when they found out who she was looking no one wanted to get involved since Kitsune was in the center of it.

Tsunade stomped around til she found Hana. She knew that Hana hung around Kitsune and she made her way to the chunin.

"Where's the brat?" she asked with barely contained anger.

Hana stopped and turned to Tsunade.

"If you're looking for Master Kitsune then he's at the building site" Guren said. She had appeared out of nowhere of course.

Hana and Tsunade looked at Guren. Hana was read into Kitsune's grand plan and who his followers were by Tenten. She thought the whole thing was just plain insane, but then had to check herself. Of course the plan of pranking the entire world is insane so why wouldn't Kitsune decide that's what he wanted to do.

"Thanks" Tsunade grunted then left.

"Why'd you tell her?" Hana asked Guren.

"Why not, she wants to confront Master Kitsune and Master Kitsune gave me instructions to find her and tell her where he was" Guren said.

"Yes, but why?" Hana asked, "you know that Lady Tsunade is going to kill him."

"She may try, but I trust my master to live" Guren said.

Hana shook her head.

"Would you like to come and watch?" Guren asked.

"Sure, why not" Hana said with a shrug.

Guren nodded and then pulled out a smoke ball from her rucksack. She threw it on the ground and smoke enveloped the two then when the smoke vanished the two were at the building site where Kitsune's apartment building was being build. Kitsune had won a lot of money with his bets during the chunin finals. He made sure he got all of his money from everyone who had betted against his picks and predictions.

For those who didn't pay up then Kitsune got creative in extracting payments. All the victims afterwards huddled in corners mumbling about rubber duckies and bad touch.

The two watched as Tsunade came stomping in.

"WHERE ARE YOU BRAT!" she screamed.

Kitsune came out wearing a wide brim hat, an old weathered poncho and a toothpick in his mouth. He looked like he hadn't shaved for a while with the gruff beard he was sporting. In the air spaghetti western music played.

"Well, we meet again SJJ" Kitsune said sounding just like Clint Eastwood in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

"What the fuck brat, and what kind of name is SJJ?" Tsunade growled.

"Oh then you want me to call you it after all. Fine. Well, we meet again Saggy Jumbo Jugs" Kitsune said still in his Clint Eastwood tone.

Tsunade's eye developed a tic.

"DIE BRAT!" she screamed as she charged in with her fist cocked ready to go.

Hana was wondering why Kitsune wasn't moving. He was going to die if he stood there.

Tsunade was on Kitsune and began to beat all kinds of color out of him. Once finished she heard a voice, a very familiar voice.

"Annnnnnd CUT!" Brilliant, wonderful. The horror, the carnage, the rage. You captured it all beautifully. Such raw emotion, I could never ask for more. Yes, this is the take that will be going into the movie. Check the gate" Kitsune said, who was perfectly fine sitting in a director's chair.

"What the hell, how'd you get there and who the hell did I beat up?" Tsunade asked completely shocked.

Hana was wondering the same thing and who had taken Kitsune's place in the horrific beating.

"Oh, just some old cripple that keeps sending his idiots after me" Kitsune said in a blasé way.

Tsunade turned back at the barely recognized form of one Danzo Shimura. She then shrugged, she had no remorse on beating the living hell out of him since he was an old relic that should've been put to pasture a long time ago.

"Alright, now that's taken care of. I need to get back to my plans" Kitsune said hopping off his chair.

"Wait right there brat, you and I need to talk" Tsunade said.

She may have lost a lot of her anger after beating all the tar out of Danzo, but that didn't mean she was happy.

"Now, but I wanna get back to my devious schemes of global pranking mayhem" Kitsune whined like a five-year-old being told it's time for bed.

"We talk then you go back to whatever you were doing" Tsunade said in a tone that meant this wasn't up for discussion.

"Fine, Dog Maiden care to join us, you too Guren" Kitsune said.

Guren nodded and walked over with Hana following along. Tsunade was a bit surprised to see them.

"Right, now lets go inside" Kitsune said.

He then headed into the building he constructing. It would house all of his followers along with his Panda-hime and Dog Maiden when it was finished. The building looked like, well, it looked like a pyramid really.

"Like it, I call it Pyramidas" Kitsune said with a grin.

"Um Kitsune, why this shape?" Hana asked.

"Why not" Kitsune said.

They entered Pyramidas and found it was furnished and there was a bar, a café, a restaurant and even a front desk too. Kitsune led them to an elevator and they headed up a couple floors.

"Kitsune, where did you get the land for this place?" Hana asked.

"I'd like to know that too" Tsunade said.

"Eh the old man gave it to me. I told him the great secret to defeating the greatest Weapon of Mass Destruction" Kitsune said. What Kitsune meant was he told Hiruzen to use shadow clones to do his paperwork. Hiruzen first bashed his head over and over against his desk as he cried out how stupid he was then thanked Kitsune profusely offering Kitsune anything as a reward.

"'Weapon of Mass Destruction'?" Hana asked confused.

"Yes" Kitsune said.

"You're not going to tell me" Tsunade grumbled.

"No, why would I tell you" Kitsune said.

Tsunade grumbled and cracked her knuckles.

"I'm going to be Hokage soon brat, you best get on my good side or you'll remain a genin forever" she threatened.

"Eh, don't care" Kitsune said with a shrug.

Tsunade wasn't pleased her threat didn't get the reaction she wanted.

"Kitsune, you do know that you need to raise your rank to get better missions, pay and stuff right" Hana said.

"But that's all boring. Besides, I got bigger plans" Kitsune said with a wide grin as he rubbed his hands together.

The elevator dinged signaling they reached the correct floor. Kitsune got out with the others and they were shocked. The room they entered was full of pandas and pictures of Tenten as well as sculptures and other things that honored Tenten.

"Whoops, wrong floor, heh-heh. This is a private room" Kitsune chuckled and pushed everyone back into the elevator.

"I won't find a room like that with me will I Kitsune?" Hana asked once back in the elevator.

"Of course, it's my grand shrine to my lovelies" Kitsune said.

Hana wasn't sure whether to be happy to have a shrine or be disturbed that Kitsune had one for her. The elevator dinged once again.

"Right, lets try this again" Kitsune said.

The exited and they were on the right floor considering Kitsune's smile.

"This is my private office" he said.

The space was huge and was decorated in a very tasteful way. There was a fountain with cherubs that looked like they were pissing into the pool. There were roman columns with pieces of Greek armor displayed about. Then there were collections of Beanie Babies too along with a pog collection also. From there was Naruto's desk. There was a big rosewood desk that was completely solid. Naruto hopped into the modified Lazy-Boy chair he had as his office chair and waved his hand for the others to sit. They sat down with Guren taking up a spot just on the side of Kitsune. Kind of like a guard. Kitsune sat forward putting his elbows on the shiny desktop.

"Now what can I do for you, on the day of my daughter's wedding?" he asked in a raspy voice like a certain Godfather.

"Um Kitsune, you don't have a daughter" Hana said.

"Must ruin my fun Dog Maiden" Kitsune pouted.

"Look brat, I am still pissed that you drugged me and hauled my ass back here. So you're going to pay for it" Tsunade said.

Kitsune however wasn't listening as he was playing with a paddle ball counting how many times he could go til he missed.

"LISTEN TO ME BRAT!" Tsunade shouted as she pounded her fist on the desktop and amazingly it didn't break.

"Ah man, you made me lose count" Kitsune pouted.

"That's it brat, you're going to be on every lousy D rank mission there is" Tsunade said grinning to herself at her genius.

"Hm, okay" Kitsune said with indifference.

Tsunade wasn't happy how blasé Kitsune was to this. She growled and stormed out of the office leaving Guren and Hana.

"How the hell do I get out of here!" Tsunade shouted. She couldn't access the elevator at all since it kept asking her if she had the right equipment.

"Do you want the quick way or the fast way?" Kitsune asked.

"Whatever way, I want out" Tsunade growled.

"Right, one super fast way" Kitsune said then pressed a button under his desk.

The floor under Tsunade catapulted her high into the air as the ceiling opened up to reveal open sky. Tsunade flew out screaming and shouting.

Hana was shocked by this she turned to Kitsune.

"Don't worry, all Acme products are 100% safe. They are tested by W.E. Coyote after all" Kitsune said.

Guren left her post by Kitsune bowing to him then left. She had duties that needed her attention.

/Scene Break/

Tsunade landed right on Jiraiya who was once again peeping. There was a loud crash and Tsunade got up dusting herself off.

"I am going to kill that damn brat" she muttered as she walked off leaving Jiraiya a flat pancake in a Jiraiya shaped crater.

**End of Chapter**

* * *

**A/N: and this ends another chap of this story. I got some figured out and some things I'm still working on with this one since I really have no kind of outline for this story. I'm basically making it up as I go really. It's quite fun. Thanks for reading and please review.**

* * *

**Omake: Itachi's Big Boast**

In the Akatsuki base Itachi walked, no, strutted in.

"Konan" he said.

"Hello Itachi" a blue-haired woman said.

Itachi smirked, which was unusual to see. It made Konan curious.

"What's with the look?" she asked.

"Oh, I just finally got what've been wanting for a long time" Itachi said as he pulled something out of his cloak.

Konan's eyes widened.

"Th-th-th-that's" she stuttered out.

"It is, 100% authentic" Itachi said smirking still. He was holding the Hello Kitty comic that he had gotten from Kitsune still in the same shape it was in when Kitsune gave it to him. He of course made sure no harm came to it.

"Where did you get that, it's ultra rare?" Konan asked desperately.

"I know a guy" Itachi said mysteriously.

"The guy you know must have some have some amazing connections to get a hold of that, and in the shape it is in" Konan said as her eyes traveled up the sealed comic like she was eyeing an expensive piece of jewelry.

"He's hooked me up a lot over the years" Itachi said.

"I am so jealous. You've got Hello Kitty items that I don't even have" Konan said with envy in her voice.

"Konan, Itachi. What are you doing standing in the middle of the hall?" Pein asked.

"Nothing" the two said quickly as Itachi hid the Hello Kitty comic.

Pein stared at them and then shook his head.

"Weirdoes" he murmured then left.


	8. Chapter 8

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

* * *

_I don't own Naruto at all_

**A/N: right, here's number 8 of my crazy story here. I've been asked how long this will be going on and I really haven't a clue since I don't have any kind of outline or plan. I'm pretty much making it up as I go really.**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Tenten was staring at the note she had gotten from Kitsune. It was sticking to her door when she arrived back after training on her own to keep her skills sharp. The note was in an envelope that read; 'You're Invited' with colorful balloons and it looked one of those generic birthday cards that come in a pack of ten at a dollar store.

_Panda-hime_

_I have a new place for you to live. A palace made just for you._

_Kitsune_

Below it was an address.

Tenten decided to check it out before deciding if she would move or not. She headed out knowing she was still on reserve. Tsunade's coronation had come and gone with Kitsune celebrating her appointment in his own way. He had already carved her face into the Hokage mountain. Tsunade was pissed off with this since she looked like an old hag. Actually she looked like one of the council elders, and not the female one either, and there was a sign that said; 'this is what she'll look like in two years on the job!'

Tsunade stormed her way through the village looking for Kitsune, but couldn't find him. Word came that he was out of the village gambling. This of course made everyone happy since Kitsune was out of the village. Tsunade however wasn't happy with this and had already begun planning what she'd make Kitsune do when he got back.

/Scene Break/

Tenten finally made it to Pyramidas and shook her head. The huge pyramid was shining in the sun since the material on the outside was made to collect the sunlight and convert it into energy needed to run the pyramid. There was no bumps or ridges to be seen. It was all smooth on all four sides. The cap on top was pure gold and sparkled under the bright sun.

"Only Kitsune" she muttered under her breath.

Her eyes then locked onto a monument being build right by Pyramidas and they widened at what she was seeing. The monument being build was something very Roman-esque. Tenten was there looking like the goddess Athena and Aphrodite mixed together with both of their best attributes being shown off, Hana was also there looking like the goddesses Hestia and Artemis mixed together with her three dogs while Kitsune looked like Zeus. All three made out of pure marble and they were inside a temple that looked like a smaller version of the Parthenon in Greece.

"Oh Kitsune" she groaned as she closed her eyes.

Turning her head back to Pyramidas she headed inside to see the grand lobby. There at the front desk was Karin.

"Hello, and welcome to P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G. My name is Karin, how may I help you?" the redhead with glasses asked.

"Where's Kitsune?" Tenten asked.

"Ah, you must be Panda-hime. Please take the elevator to the umpteenth floor" Karin said.

Tenten raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as she went to the elevator. She found the umpteenth button and pressed it. Heading up elevator music played. The music being played was This is the Song that Never Ends from Lamb Chop's Play Along. The elevator dinged and Tenten got off to find Kitsune sitting watching TV.

"Ugh, another piece of crap" he muttered.

"Kitsune, what are you watching?" Tenten asked.

"Just Crapimation Panda-hime" Kitsune said.

"What is 'crapimation'?" Tenten asked.

"Crap animation" Kitsune said not taking his eyes off the screen.

"Okay, so this is the place you want me to live in?" Tenten asked.

"Yes Panda-hime. A beauty like yours deserve a place for it. Welcome to Pyramidas. The base of my operations to prank the entire world as well as living quarters for my minions and my lovelies" Kitsune said standing up proudly as a flag, a fox playing maracas in its paws and a big huge stogie in its maw, unfurled behind him and heroic music played.

"I have yet find the right music that will be the theme song, but I think I'm getting close. But for right now this stock music will work" Kitsune said.

Tenten sighed.

"Where's my room?" she asked.

"Right this way Panda-hime" Kitsune said skipping.

Tenten followed Kitsune back to the elevator and Kitsune pressed a button that had an image of a panda bear on it. Tenten was sure she didn't see that button before. Elevator music played, but this time it was the Macarena that was playing in a dubstep way. Once hitting Tenten's floor they exited and Tenten's eyes went wide.

Kitsune had created her ideal place. There was big expansive walls to hang all of her weapons with space to spare to add more. A large queen size bed in the bedroom, a bathroom and a kitchen and living room. The place was kind of set up like a loft with the kitchen and living room all in one with floating walls separating the bedroom to the living room. The bathroom was the only place that had its own room.

"What do you think Panda-hime?" Kitsune asked smiling wide.

"How much is the rent?" Tenten asked.

"Rent, what the hell is rent?" Kitsune asked like it was a foreign concept.

"Kitsune, you expect me to live here rent free?" Tenten asked.

"Yeah, why not. I'd never charge my Panda-hime a thing" Kitsune said.

"I need to pack and let my landlord I'm moving out" Tenten said.

"Already done" Kitsune said.

Before Tenten could say a thing the elevator dinged and Kitsune clones came out hauling boxes. They were all wearing coveralls that read 'Foxy Movers' on the back with a fox tail on the 'r' and 'y'.

"Where do ya want this?" a Kitsune clone asked in a blue collar way of talking.

Tenten went to help the Kitsune clones and Kitsune grinned. Now he just had to get Dog Maiden in and then he'd have his ladies here together.

/Scene Break/

Meanwhile Kin and Tayuya were on a mission for Kitsune. Their first one on Kitsune's mission to prank the world.

"Fucking shit, I hate this crap" Tayuya grumbled.

Kin ignored Tayuya as she was rummaging through her rucksack.

"What the fuck are you looking for?" Tayuya asked.

"Nothing really" Kin murmured as she kept looking.

Tayuya rolled her eyes and looked at their target. It was the Waterfall village. Well the outside given that it was protected by waterfalls and all.

"Right, lets get this motherfucking shit started" the redhead said.

She made her way over and then pulled out two two-gallon drums of soap.

"Time to make some fucking bubbles" she said.

She began dumping the stuff in and the water began to froth and bubble like a rabid dog. The bubbles were all bright pink and peach scented too.

"Ugh, this stuff is going to make me fucking gag" Tayuya muttered as she turned her head away from the overpowering scent.

Kin walked over wearing a gas mask over her face.

"Where the fuck did you find a gas mask?" Tayuya asked.

"Rucksack" Kin replied.

Tayuya grumbled and went to her rucksack and found a gas mask herself and put it on.

"I feel like fucking Darth Vader" she said.

"Who?" Kin asked.

"Never mind" Tayuya said.

After they finished pouring the last of the soap into the water they left.

"What was the damn fucking point of that?" Tayuya asked.

"Don't know, Kitsune just said to make bubbles in Waterfall" Kin said.

"He's motherfucking insane" Tayuya said.

"Yeah, but a whole of a lot better than Orochimaru. At least we live, have fun and actually have a health plan" Kin said.

"Don't forget a pension when you retire. You get a fabulous 401k and end of the year bonuses as well as Christmas bonuses too and paid vacation also" a Kitsune clone said.

"HOLY MOTHER OF THE FUCKING SHITTIN' GOD!" Tayuya cried.

"Huh, a god that can fuck and shit at the same time. I just might start a cult. Does this god have a name?" Kitsune clone asked.

"Hello master, how are you and what are you doing here?" Kin asked calmly.

"How the fucking hell are you so calm when this motherfucker just popped out of fucking nowhere?" Tayuya asked.

"He was here the whole time" Kin said.

"No fucking way" Tayuya said.

"Fucking way" the Kitsune clone said in a total surfer dude tone.

"Yeah, he was standing there holding a sign that read I'm blending in, don't notice me" Kin said.

"How come I didn't see him then?" Tayuya asked.

"Ah my child, it is because your eyes have yet to open to the true spirit of the lord" Kitsune clone said in a priestly tone as well as dressed as a priest.

"What the fucking hell does that fucking mean?" Tayuya asked.

Kin shrugged her shoulders.

"Make peace, not war, and if you don't want to make either then prank the shit of them and have a ball" the Kitsune clone said in a very hippy manner and now dressed as a hippie.

"This asshole is making no fucking sense" Tayuya exclaimed.

"Ladies, your next assignment if you choose to accept it is to infiltrate your old village and mess with the Pale Pedo and whatever he is doing" Kitsune clone said in a very official tone now dressed in a crisp suit.

"What the fuck, you want us to go back there?" Tayuya exclaimed.

"Yes, but know that I'll be close by to protect you if you're in need of help" Kitsune clone said now dressed in his usual clothes.

"And how the fuck can you do that?" Tayuya asked.

"I Am God" Kitsune clone said in a very all-knowing tone.

"What the fuck have you been smoking?" Tayuya asked.

"I never dip into what I sell Raunchy Red" Kitsune clone said.

"What the fucking hell did you call me shit-head?" Tayuya cried.

"To call me for help please break glass" Kitsune clone said ignoring Tayuya's ire.

Kin opened her rucksack and found a glass case and attached to it was a small metal hammer. The same kind of thing you seen when you need to break glass to get a fire extinguisher or activate the fire alarm.

"This?" she asked.

"Yup, break and I shall come sweeping in like a vicious plague of locust" Kitsune clone said. "This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds."

In five seconds the Kitsune clone exploded and millions of groupons flew out.

"That fucking asshole, I'm going to kill him when we get back" Tayuya grumbled.

"Where are you going?" Kin asked.

"Back to our old village, we've got a mission" Tayuya muttered.

"You mean you're still going on the mission?" Kin asked.

"Fuck yeah. I want to fucking mess up the place and mind fuck the fucker who had branded me" Tayuya said. She could still feel the curse mark on her even though Kitsune had taken care of it.

Kin shrugged and followed Tayuya hearing the redhead mutter under her breath along the way.

/Scene Break/

Hana was staring at her mother in disbelief.

"Mom, What did you do to my room?" she asked.

"What?" Tsume asked innocently.

"My room, what did you do to my room?" Hana asked again.

Hana's room was no more. She had gotten home after putting her time in the vet clinic. When she entered her room she found all of her stuff was gone. In its place was a storage room.

"Oh that. Kitsune moved all your stuff out saying you are living with him" Tsume said.

"I never, I didn't" Hana sputtered.

"Oh, well, what's done is done" Tsume said with a casual shrug.

Hana just stared at her mother.

"Well what are you waiting for, get out and got to your new home" Tsume said.

Hana just stood there.

"GO NOW!" Tsume barked.

Hana jumped and ran out.

Tsume sat back and sipped her saké.

_Kitsune promised a lot of grandbabies to spoil if I did this. He better hold up his end of the bargain_ she thought.

/Scene Break/

Tsunade was in her office as she looked over and chuckling in an evil way.

"I don't like when you're in that mood hime" Jiraiya commented.

"Shut it toad, I am planning my revenge on that brat" Tsunade said as she rubbed her hands together.

"Oh, oh, let me help. I can help so much" Kitsune said popping out of nowhere like usual.

"Fine, here's what I have planned" Tsunade too wrapped up in her plotting to even know it was Kitsune.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yes I see. That's good, but if you do this then it would be better" Kitsune said.

"Yes, I can see that. Damn that's some fine work" Tsunade said.

"Thank you" Kitsune said.

Jiraiya just stood there shaking his head as Tsunade and Kitsune plotted with kitsune adding and making Tsunade diabolical plans even better.

"Now, I just need to get the brat here" Tsunade said as she rubbed her palms together.

"Here I am Saggy Jumbo Jugs" Kitsune said.

"What the fu-" Tsunade exclaimed, but then a big poof of white smoke enveloped her.

"What did you do to her kid?" Jiraiya asked worriedly.

"Eh, you'll see" Kitsune said.

When the smoke cleared Tsunade was standing there, but she wasn't dressed in her usual outfit. No, instead she was wearing a swimsuit that was just made of floss strings really. Well, it had small patches of fabric, but it barely covered her bits. Jiraiya had a Mt. Vesuvius grade nosebleed seeing Tsunade in her new outfit.

"What the hell brat?" Tsunade growled as she tried to cover herself up.

"Hmm, wrong smoke bomb" Kitsune murmured.

"Well do something damnit" Tsunade demanded.

"Yeah, yeah" Kitsune muttered as he pulled out a instruction booklet titled, 'How to Use Smoke Bombs Effectively Pre-K Edition'.

"I have died and gone to heaven" Jiraiya murmured as he laid there in a pool of his own blood.

Tsunade was so embarrassed and angry that she took her rage out on Jiraiya since it was just instinct for her. She beat all the color out of her teammate and then punted him out of the office creating a new skylight for the Hokage office.

"You know, if you wanted a skylight I know some good contractors" Kitsune commented.

"Give me back my clothes brat or you're next" Tsunade growled as she balled her fist in a very threatening manner.

Kitsune just stared at her and it made her feel self-conscious.

"Eh, not sexy" he said.

"WHAT!?" Tsunade exclaimed shocked.

/Scene Break/

"Final-fucking-ly" Tayuya grumbled.

She and Kin had finally made it back to Oto.

"So what's the plan?" Kin asked.

"We go in and fucking mess the motherfucking place up like this Kitsune asshole wants us to" Tayuya said.

"That's it" Kin said.

"What do you fucking expect Kin. Some kind of goddamn fucking elaborate plan?" Tayuya asked.

"Well no, but maybe something like it" Kin said.

"Screw that shit, let's fucking cause a fucking shit-storm to end all motherfucking fucking shit-storms" Tayuya said as she thrust her fist in the air.

Kin sighed and went along. She had nothing better to do really.

/Scene Break/

Orochimaru sat on this throne in his dark room brooding and mumbling about his new picture in the Bingo Book along with the brand new info on him.

"I'm going to kill that brat" he said.

"Lord Orochimaru!"

An Oto nin burst in.

"What is it?" the snake sannin asked.

"We've got a problem" the Oto nin said.

"Well, what is it?" Orochimaru asked.

"Um, well, you better come out and see for yourself" the Oto nin said.

Orochimaru sighed and got up and followed the Oto nin. Outside his jaw dropped.

There in plain sight was a giant billboard that was in fantastic 3D was the snake sannin in a hot passionate embrace with three of the four Oto guards, all three were male of course. Then the image would change with the snake sannin in a submissive position getting a paddling by the toad sage. Both dressed BDSM gear, tight shiny black leather with Orochimaru packing a huge codpiece with a bubble above his head that read, 'yes master, please master'. Then the third and final image came to be with the snake sannin dressed as Sailor Uranus and one Sasuke Uchiha dressed as Sailor Neptune in a very tender embrace. Then it would rotate back to the first image and repeat over and over while music played.

"WHO DID THIS?!" the real snake sannin cried.

"We're not sure Lord Orochimaru. We're looking for them" the Oto nin said.

Everyone Oto in the village just stared not sure what to think. Some were laughing while others were sick then there were some who had a very perverse fascination with the images.

"TAKE IT DOWN NOW!" Orochimaru ordered.

"We've tried, we can't" an Oto nin said.

"What the fucking hell do you mean, just take the goddamn thing down, NOW!" Orochimaru shouted.

Meanwhile Kin and Tayuya stared and admired their work.

"I was fucking hoping for something bigger, but that was the biggest thing that I could pull out with the time I had" Tayuya grumbled.

Kin shook her head then she spotted some Oto nin that picked on her and grinned.

"I'll be back, I got some business to attend to" she said then left.

"Fine, I got to find three assholes to fuck with" Tayuya said.

/Scene Break/

Back in Konoha Kitsune was bored. He looked around and sighed.

"Something wrong Kitsune?" Tenten asked.

"I'm bored Panda-hime" Kitsune grumbled.

"I see, well, have you tried reading?" Tenten suggested.

"Nah, that means I have to think, and I don't wanna think right now" Kitsune said.

His attention then turned to see Anko walking by eating some dango.

"Huh, the crazy snake lovin' lady" he commented.

"Kitsune, what are you thinking?" Tenten asked.

"Hm, what makes you think I'm up to something Panda-hime? I'm shocked, shocked and hurt that you think I'm up to something" Kitsune said as he infused his words with as much drama as he could pack in.

"I can see your thoughts Kitsune" Tenten said.

"No, you can't" Kitsune said in a petulant fashion.

"I can, literally" Tenten said.

Kitsune looked up to see a big thought bubble above his head.

"Shoot, I thought I disabled that thing" he murmured.

In his thought bubble was various scenarios. One had Anko dressed a big huge piece of dango and she trying to fight the urge to eat herself, well, her costume really. The next was the snake mistress dressed in a pink Easter bunny outfit hopping around leaving a trail of Easter eggs behind her via out of her rump with kids following her picking up the eggs she left. Then there was Anko dressed in Iron Man's suit though formed to fit her of course shouting in a gruff voice 'I Am Iron Man!' at the top of her lungs wherever she went. The one after that was of Anko charging at things smashing them and shouting, 'I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch'.

Tenten just sighed as she watched each new scenario that emerged in Kitsune's thought bubble.

"Just go" she said.

Kitsune pecked Tenten's hand.

"My lovely Panda-hime, you're a goddess beyond words" he said then dashed off.

/Scene Break/

Anko was walking down the street bored. She needed something to do before she went crazy. Her best friend Kurenai was with her team. Her other friend was working while Hana was trying to cope with her new situation. Anko was upset that Hana was so close to Kitsune since she wanted to be in that spot.

"HEEEEEEEEEY AMATEUR!" Kitsune cried.

"What the fucking hell?" Anko exclaimed as Kitsune appeared in front of her coming out of a green pipe that had risen from the ground along with the proper sound effects.

"Hey there amateur" Kitsune said.

"Look brat, I'm no amateur. I am #2 in T&amp;I" Anko proclaimed.

"Oh, so who does #2 work for?" Kitsune asked.

"Huh?" Anko asked confused.

"Who does #2 work for?" Kitsune asked again.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Anko asked.

"Who. Does. #2. Work. For?" Kitsune asked.

"What the fucking hell are you talking about?!" Anko shouted in utter frustration.

"Huh, I guess you don't know. Oh well" Kitsune said with a shrug.

Anko was pissed off and when she got pissed off she got stabby. She pulled out some kunai ready to pierce Kitsune. As her kunai struck home at Kitsune he burst into millions of strands of streamers. Anko blinked and looked around for Kitsune. She found him standing right beside her after her second look around. He was standing there munching on some pocky.

"Yo" he greeted in Kakashi-esque style.

Anko's eye twitched at this.

"Brat, you got a death wish or something?" she asked.

"No, never seen the movie, but I heard Charles Bronson is good in it" Kitsune responded.

Anko looked perplexed by this.

"Anyway, want me to get rid of that snake hickey for ya?" Kitsune asked casually as he kept munching on his pocky.

Anko grabbed her neck where her curse mark was.

"You know how to get rid of it?" she asked not wanting to raise her hopes.

"Yeah, got rid of Emo Duck's and one of my followers" Kitsune said nonchalantly.

Anko looked at Kitsune seeing if he was lying or not. She could see no lie and went with her gut.

"Fine, I want this off me" she said.

"Right, here" Kitsune said as he handed her a card.

Anko took it and read it.

KRAZY KITSUNE TATTOO AND SNAKE HICKEY REMOVAL. WE REMOVE YOUR TATTOO OR SNAKE HICKEY COMPLETELY OR YOUR MONEY BACK. NEW COSTUMERS GET A FREE BEANIE BABY!

"What the hell?" Anko asked.

Kitsune was nowhere in sight and this Anko sigh. She then turned the card over and found the address printed on the back.

"What the hell, got nothing to lose" she muttered.

/Scene Break/

Anko made it to the place and found it. She entered the shop that had a sickly purple flickering neon sign outside.

"Hello?" she called.

"Eh, welcome to Krazy Kitsune" Kitsune said, but he had a long biker beard and wearing tough biker gear.

"What's with the get-up brat?" Anko asked.

"Might as well go with the part" Kitsune said sounding like a rough and tough biker.

"Whatever, you said you can get rid of this thing" Anko said as she revealed her curse mark to Kitsune.

"Yeah, come back to my chair" Kitsune said.

Anko followed Kitsune and he gestured to a chair that you'd see in a dentist office. She sat down.

"Now before we begin, are you allergic to anything?" Kitsune asked as he was washing his hands in a wash basin like a surgeon.

"No" Anko said.

"Alright, sign the form on the tray on your right" Kitsune said.

"What is it?" Anko asked.

"Just legal crap and stuff. Pretty much you promise not to sue my ass off if I do some jack-shit. My lawyers make me do this thing" Kitsune said.

Anko was now uncomfortable with this and wondered if this was even a good idea any more, but she signed it anyway.

"Right, lets get this started" Kitsune said.

Anko was blinded by a flash of light and felt no more.

/Scene Break/

Blinking Anko looked around and found herself in a very unfamiliar place.

"Where am I?" she asked out loud.

"Huh, that's odd. You're the first to come in with me" Kitsune said.

Anko turned to Kitsune.

"Where the hell are we?" she asked.

"Inside your snake hickey" Kitsune said.

"You're fucking kidding" Anko exclaimed.

Kitsune shook his head and pointed up to see a slumbering white snake above them. This one wasn't as big as the last two though it was plenty big just not as huge as the previous two. It also looked to have been dormant for a long time.

"What the hell is that?" Anko asked as she just stared at the white snake.

"That's the Pale Pedo or a form of some kind of him" Kitsune said.

"So what do we do now?" Anko asked.

"Know how to use one of these?" Kitsune asked as he pulled out of his rucksack a fully automatic machine gun on a tripod along with a belt of ammo that came out of a big carpet bag.

"No" Anko answered.

"Good, just aim and pull this trigger and enjoy" Kitsune said as he pointed to the right places.

Anko looked at the thing with hesitation, but did as she was told and aimed the machine gun and pulled the trigger. She began spraying the giant white snake with bullets.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" the snake mistress cried out. "I've got to get me one of these."

Her eyes flashed a maniacal gleam as she began cackling in a maniacal fashion.

The big white snake screamed loudly in pain as it was riddled with bullets then fell to the ground with a loud thud of dead weight. Anko kept shooting til the barrel melted. She was trembling and shaking from the recoil. Her voice hoarse from her laughter, but damn did she feel good. The ammo belt was still there and it looked to have more ammo to go through.

"Good, now lets see what I can make" Kitsune said.

He then went to the snake and began to strip it of its skin.

"Ugh, what are you doing?" Anko asked turning a bit green.

"This here is some good snake skin miss, ain't gonna waste it" Kitsune said in a southern drawl.

Anko just looked at Kitsune with a 'what the fucking hell is this guy's damage' look.

Once done Kitsune put the skin away and began to piss on what was left.

"You going to do this too, piss on what's left?" he asked.

"Oh what the hell, like this isn't fucking messed up enough" Anko said throwing her hands up.

She had her piss on the snake remains then they left.

/Scene Break/

Anko awoke with a groan and found herself in her bed, in her apartment.

"Anko, are you alright?"

Anko turned her head to see Kurenai looking at her with worry.

"Eh Kurenai, what are you doing here?" the snake mistress asked.

"I found you unconscious and carried you back to your place, what happened to you?" Kurenai asked.

Anko remembered everything and leapt out of bed and headed to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and found her curse mark was gone.

"I'm so going to reward the brat when I see him next" she muttered in awe.

Kurenai looked very confused and concerned for her friend. She turned to the bed and saw a beanie baby sitting there and it was of a white snake, but its eyes were x-ed out.

/Scene Break/

Kin dusted her hands off as she walked away pleased. She got her revenge and it felt good. She had boxed her old bullies into a dead end alley and took her sweet time hypnotizing them with her new talent. She made them think they were now Barbie girls livin' in a Barbie World. But that was after she made them do other stuff.

"Now, I wonder what Tayuya is up to?" she asked herself.

/Scene Break/

Tayuya had made it to the base where the Sound Four was held. She found Sakon, Kidomaru and Jirobo sitting there bullshittin' one another as they played poker. They were also just dressed in their boxers since Tayuya wasn't around so they didn't need to be wearing clothes or nothing. They weren't gay or anything. Just they felt more comfortable wearing less than more. Well, they wouldn't play naked so they had limits.

"So where do you think Tayuya is?" Sakon asked.

"Who gives a shit, she's probably one of Orochimaru's playthings now" Kidomaru said.

"But that means we're no longer the Sound Four since we're down to three" Jirobo pointed out.

"Shit, he's right, what do we call ourselves now?" Sakon asked.

"Huh, what about Oto Trio?" Kidomaru suggested.

"Sounds like some shitty Motown group or something" Sakon said.

"Then you think of something dick-head" Kidomaru said.

"Well then how about the Three Amigos?" Sakon suggested.

"Dude, that's from a movie we watched three nights ago" Jirobo said.

"It was, I don't remember" Sakon said.

"It is dick-head. Heh, read it and weep" Kidomaru said as he laid his cards out.

"Damn, I'm screwed" Jirobo muttered.

"I'm out" Sakon said with a defeated sigh.

"Come to papa" Kidomaru said as he began to grab the chips.

"So this is what you fucking shit heads do when I'm not fucking around. All your motherfucking asses are mine you sons of bitches!" Tayuya cried as she burst through the window à la Batman.

"What the shit?" Sakon exclaimed.

"Alright shit heads, time for some fucking payback" Tayuya growled.

The three members of the Sound Four stared at Tayuya. They didn't realize their state of undress.

"Ugh, you all look fucking damn ugly. Put some fucking goddamn clothes on before I hurl all over you" Tayuya said as she turned her head away.

"Shut up Tayuya" Sakon said.

"Please, you and I both know you rather fuck your brother than me" Tayuya shot back.

"That's not true and you know it. Ukon and I like girls, we just don't like the same kind of girls" Sakon said.

"Yeah, I like the lolita types while Sakon goes for the ones with a ton of junk in the trunk" Ukon said awakening.

"Dude, you like the lolita types, you pedophile" Kidomaru said.

"Hey, don't judge me" Ukon cried.

"Kidomaru is right, you're a pedo Ukon" Jirobo said.

"Oh yeah, what's your type Jirobo?" Ukon asked.

"Huh, well my type is goth" Jirobo said.

"Goth, really?" Kidomaru asked surprised.

"Yeah, what of it. What's your type?" Jirobo asked.

"My type is ones with big jugs. The bigger the better" Kidomaru said.

Tayuya took a deep breath to try and calm her boiling rage, but of course it wasn't working. She rummaged through her rucksack and pulled out a box with a latch on it. All while the four guys were arguing over their type of girls they go for.

"What is with the get-up Tayuya and what's all that?" Sakon asked.

The guys had finally finished their 'discussion'.

"You shitheads are all fucked" Tayuya said.

This confused them then Tayuya unlatched the box she had pulled out.

"FLY MY PRETTIES!" she cried as she cackled.

Taking to the air was a swarm of crooning flying Elvis impersonators were buzzing around. But they were all bad at singing so it was more torture than anything else.

"Urgh, make it stop" Sakon whined.

"These things can't sing for shit" Kidomaru said.

The three were all covering their ears to try and block out the sound, but it was useless.

Tayuya frowned since she was hoping something more menacing.

"What a fucking rip" she mumbled.

Kin entered and looked at the scene of flying Elvis impersonators all badly singing to the three members of the Sound Four.

"Tayuya, what were you trying to do?" she asked confused.

"The fuck I know anymore" Tayuya said then left with Kin following. They still had plenty to do in their old village.

**End of Chapter**

* * *

**A/N: alright, and so ends another chap. Hoped you liked it. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

_I don't own Naruto at all_

**A/N: right, I know many of have been wondering about what I'll be doing with Anko. Well this chap answers that question.**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

It was another loud council meeting as the civilian side kept going on complaining about Kitsune and how they were all losing business i.e. money that they could stuff in their sticky pockets because of Kitsune and all of the antics he's been pulling on them. The clan heads all listened with half an ear if not any at all like Shikaku since he was asleep. Tsunade listened annoyed at it all.

"ENOUGH!"

This silenced everyone and awoke Shikaku who was about to complain about being woken up til he saw the furious look on Tsunade's face and stayed silent.

"I've had it up to here with all you whiny bitches" Tsunade said angrily.

"But Lady Tsunade" a councilmember whined.

"Just shut up unless you have something of substance to contribute. This meeting isn't about all of us hearing your constant bitchy whining" Tsunade said.

No one said a thing against this since Tsunade was angry. And not even a brave ninja would poke a pissed off Tsunade Senju.

"Now, let us go back and try and conduct ourselves like a n****l council should be" Tsunade said though she looked perplexed at the bleep.

"What was that?" a councilmember asked.

"She swore" Kitsune said.

Everyone looked up to see Kitsune sitting there hovering in the air like a genie or something.

"Um, actually she didn't" Shikaku said now really awake since he heard the loud bleep sound.

"Oh, well, I just did so it looked like it. Needed something to liven things up in here" Kitsune said with a casual shrug.

"So whenever we swear we'll be bleeped?" Hiashi asked.

"Yes, or whenever it feels like kicking in" Kitsune said.

"So basically we'll have no clue when we might be b*****d" Shibi Aburame said.

"Correct, I guess those awesome shades your hive wears aren't just a cool fashion statement" Kitsune said.

"No, it isn't" Shibi said.

"Alright, well I'll leave all of you M*****f*****s to get back to f*****g work" Kitsune said then left.

/Scene Break/

Hana sighed as she laid back in her personal bath. She had gotten used to her new home. She had to admit she liked having her own private bath. It had a shower and the biggest ass bathtub she'd had ever seen really. The tub also had a cool feature of massage jets, which she had tried and it felt amazing. The whole place was amazing given that it was like ten times bigger than her old bedroom at home with a full kitchen, living room and bedroom. It was furnished too. So she didn't need to buy any furniture at all. She just had to decorate it the way she liked, which she was still doing since she wasn't totally sure what she wanted yet.

_You know this is something I can get used. I guess living here with Kitsune won't be as bad as I thought_ she thought.

A knock on the door made her sigh and she got up and out of the tub and then dried off. She put on a robe that was hung up nearby. She exited the bathroom and padded to the front door.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Yo, it's me" a very familiar voice called.

Hana sighed. It had to be Anko. So she opened the door to reveal the snake mistress.

"Anko, what can I do for you?" she asked.

"Can I come in?" Anko asked.

Hana nodded and let Anko in and then closed the door.

"Damn, I like your new place" Anko whistled as she took a good look around.

"Thanks" Hana said.

Anko plopped down on the couch and Hana rolled her eyes. She was used to Anko's behavior.

"So what can I do for you Anko?" Hana asked.

"I want in" Anko said.

"Huh?" Hana asked.

"I want in, I want in with you and that buns girl" Anko said.

"Um, Anko, do you have any idea what you're thinking?" Hana asked.

"Yes I do. Look the brat was able to remove that mark I got from Orochimaru" Anko said as she showed off her neck.

Hana was amazed as she saw this. She had read about it in the journal Kitsune sometimes wrote in to keep things up to date with everything.

"So you want to join in since he got rid of your mark?" Hana asked.

"A part of that, but he seems like a fun guy and I want to be a part of that" Anko said.

"I don't know, I need to talk to Kitsune about this" Hana said.

"Well then what are we waiting for, lets go" Anko said.

/Scene Break/

Hana and Anko made it up to Kitsune's office and found Kitsune playing Pong and guzzling down a green colored soda call Surge.

"Um, Kitsune?" Hana called.

"Not now, I've been up for 96 hours playing Pong. I am so close at beating it" Kitsune said wired.

"Maybe we should come back" Hana suggested.

"No, you can talk to me" a Kitsune clone said sitting at the desk with his feet up.

"Okay, Anko wants to join us" Hana said.

The Kitsune clone looked at Anko with beady eyes and Anko felt like she was under a microscope.

"Hmmm" he murmured.

Hana just watched looking between Anko and Kitsune.

Then the whole place changed, well, the area they were in. It turned into a room with dusty chairs and cobwebs. Kitsune was wearing all black and had mirrored sunglasses on. He was pretty much dressed like Morpheus in the Matrix. He was sitting in the chair with Anko sitting in the other one.

"You have a choice, choose the red pill or the blue one" the Kitsune clone said in a solemn tone.

"What the fuck?" Anko asked confused.

"Take the blue pill and you'll wake up and still within the Matrix. Take the red one and you will see the truth" the Kitsune clone said.

In his sunglasses you could see each pill. The red pill reflected off the right hand and blue pill the left.

"What the hell is the Matrix?" Anko asked.

"The Matrix is all around us, it surrounds us. We breath it in. There's no escaping the Matrix" the Kitsune clone said.

Anko turned to Hana and found she was dressed in a shiny leather body suit like Trinity in the first Matrix movie with the sunglasses.

"Fuck that" Anko said as she took the red pill.

"You have chosen, wisely" the Kitsune clone said in an aged voice.

Anko felt her vision beginning to blur and spin. She then slumped in her chair.

"What did you do to her Kitsune?" Hana asked worriedly.

"Don't worry, she'll be right as rain when she awakes" the Kitsune clone said as the whole room they were in changed by other Kitsune clones moving scenery.

Now back in the office Anko was still out and lying on a couch.

"But what did you do?" Hana asked.

"It was just some Nyquil really. Well, some super powered Nyquil really" the Kitsune clone said. "It's a sleeping pill."

"But why?" Hana asked.

"Why not" the Kitsune clone said.

Hana sighed.

"Kitsune, Anko really wants to be with you" she said.

"But I don't like her like that" the Kitsune clone said.

"She won't leave you alone" Hana said.

"Fine, she'll become one of my minions in P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G." the Kitsune clone said.

"Thanks Kitsune" Hana said and pecked him on the cheek.

"What the hell, I was supposed to get the kiss, not you!" Kitsune shouted at his clone.

"Shows she likes me better" the clone said in a cocky fashion.

"You're me" Kitsune said.

"The new and improved version" the clone shot back.

"New, probably. Improved I highly doubt since how can you improve on godly!" Kitsune stormed.

"Simple, Godly 2.0" the Kitsune clone shot back.

Kitsune then did a hand sign and the clone disappeared.

"Stupid clones, think they can have a mind of their own" he muttered to himself then went back to playing Pong.

Hana shook her head and left.

/Scene Break/

Meanwhile three Suna nin were making their way to Konoha. They were heading to Konoha to ratify a new treaty they had to sign after their failed attack on Konoha. Their village was rocked hard after finding out they were duped by Orochimaru since he killed their leader and impersonated him. The three Suna nin were quite familiar. Especially with one with a big smoky cloud around him as he smoked up a storm.

"Damn Gaara. Can you stop smoking that stuff for a while?" Kankuro asked.

"Quit with them negative waves Kanky" Gaara said.

"Will you stop calling me that?!" Kankuro whined.

Gaara had started in getting to a habit of giving other nicknames. He thought it was too hard calling someone their real name so he'd shorten it so he'd waste less time and more time puffing away.

"Well, we're here" Temari said.

They entered the gates under very tight scrutiny.

"Ah Gaara, my best customer" Kitsune said.

"Yo Kitsune, 'sup?" Gaara asked.

"Nothing much my brother from another mother" Kitsune said.

They then did some funky handshake ending with them slapping each other's backs.

"So what are you here for?" Kitsune asked.

"We're here to ratify the new treaty between Suna and Konoha" Temari said.

"Oh, then lets see SJJ then" Kitsune said then turned to the unseen Anbu. "I'll take it from here, go on and be good little animals crackers."

The Anbu did as they were told.

/Scene Break/

In the Hokage's office Tsunade looked over the new treaty.

"So what's the verdict SJJ?" Kitsune asked.

"Quit pestering me brat. I need to look this over and discuss it over with the council" Tsunade said.

"Booooring. Just say yay or nay. It's simple" Kitsune said.

Tsunade wished it was that simple, but it wasn't.

"Just go, and take them with you. That one is smoking up my office" she said eyeing Gaara who was still puffing away on a big ass blunt.

"Right, see ya later SJJ. Come on, I'll show you where you'll be staying" Kitsune said.

They left the office and Tsunade opened her windows to air out her office. She was getting a headache from all that smoke. That boy was worse than her sensei in smoking.

/Scene Break/

"This is where we'll be staying?" Kankuro asked staring at the huge ass pyramid.

"Yup, come on" Kitsune said.

They entered the huge lobby and at the front desk Karin gave the three card keys.

"Please carry these with you at all times. They not only will be the keys to your rooms, but will also serve as security passes too. If you don't have them then you'll be detained in our holding cells" Karin said.

"You mean Konoha's holding cells?" Temari asked.

"No, ours. Pyramidas has its own holding cells in sub-basement 5" Karin said.

This shocked Temari and Kankuro. Gaara just nodded as he kept puffing.

"Right, lets go" Kitsune said.

They entered the elevator and rode it up as music played.

_(Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins)_

Once they hit the floor Kitsune led them out and there was rows of doors like you'd see at any hotel.

"Right, look at your key card and match the symbol on it to the plate on the door and that's your room" Kitsune said. "Oh, and in your rooms you'll find instructions and stuff on like when the buffet will be open along with room service and other crap."

"What the heck is this?" Kankuro asked after he looked at his symbol.

"Eh, oh that's a blow-up doll" Kitsune said.

"Why the hell would I have that?" Kankuro asked.

"You play with them, don't you?" Kitsune asked like he was talking to a toddler.

"No, I don't" Kankuro said in a very unconvincing tone.

"And what's mine?" Temari asked ignoring her brother.

"Oh, that's an itty-bitty polka dot bikini" Kitsune said.

Gaara didn't need to ask about his since the symbol on his card was a blunt. He just headed to find the door. He found it and used the key card and it opened. He entered and found furniture made with hemp and had a rainforest theme to it. It also had the biggest bong he had ever laid eyes on in the middle of a coffee table.

"I'm in fucking heaven" he muttered.

"And it gets better my best customer. You got plenty of weed to use that bong" Kitsune said.

"You are the man, bro" Gaara said hugging Kitsune.

He then closed the door and it wasn't long til you saw smoke trying to billow out.

"Don't worry, I've got the best ventilation system installed here. You'll smell nothing, unless you want to" Kitsune said.

Temari and Kankuro went to look for their rooms.

Kankuro found his room and it looked normal unless you count the pile of blow-up dolls all lined up.

"Dude, I don't do that kind of thing" the puppet user proclaimed in very unconvincing fashion.

"Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you warm them up in the bath before you use them and also clean them when you're done" Kitsune said.

"Duh, only novices would use them as is without warming them up in the bath. I mean, that's sick" Kankuro said.

Temari got to her room and opened it to find it was like a dream come true for her. It looked like an outdoor poolside resort. There was a nicely sized pool with a lounge chair by it. There was a wall the separated the 'outside' with the 'inside'. On the 'inside' there was an open room with a big luxurious bed and an open bathroom too.

"How?" she asked stunned.

"Eh, I got some mad skills" Kitsune said with a confident smirk.

Temari didn't think she would leave this.

/Scene Break/

Anko sighed as she was in her new role. She was an enforcer for P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G. Now, it wasn't what she wanted, but she got to be with Kitsune in a way. Kitsune talked to her about it, and though she was sad that she wasn't in the same group with Hana and Tenten she'd have her own group. The enforcer role was like a bodyguard role in a way. She was happy since Kitsune gave her free license on what to do. She also got a bag of tricks like he had and Kitsune let her wear her usual clothes too. He also put her in charge of recruiting more to the Enforcers though Kitsune was trying to think of a better name than that. She also got the same health benefits as his followers along with the same retirement plan too.

_Right, who else should I bring in_ the snake mistress thought.

/Scene Break/

Back in Oto/Sound Village things were chaotic. Orochimaru couldn't move any of his plans forward since someone or some ones were messing with everything.

"That's it, I need to get to the bottom of this" the snake sannin muttered.

"Candy gram for Pale Pedo, candy for Pale Pedo" a messenger said appearing out of nowhere it seemed.

"I'm Pale Pe- Orochimaru" the snake sannin said.

"Ah, that's the other name I got here. Here, sign here" the messenger said.

Orochimaru signed and the messenger left. Orochimaru looked at the message and inspected it for any kind of traps, but found none. He then opened it and got a surprise. It blew up in his face.

/Scene Break/

"He fell for it" Kin said after taking off her messenger disguise.

"That dumb fuck" Tayuya said.

"Right, so what should we do next?" Kin asked.

"I don't know we've fucked this village over pretty good I think" Tayuya said.

"Yeah, we gave everyone a Stranger Danger whistle that looks like the Pale Pedo, we put up a projector screen to show 'home movies' of Pale Pedo in his younger years wearing frilly pink dresses and having tea parties, we assaulted many of the Oto nin here with mysterious rashes on their butts and genitals, and we littered the village with photos of your former team in nothing, but their underwear" Kin said listing off what they have done over the past couple weeks.

"Right, I think we've fucked them over pretty well" Tayuya said nodding her head with satisfaction.

"So it is you that have been causing these disturbances."

Kin and Tayuya turned to find Kotohime of the Fuma clan.

"Oh, what do you want fucking whore?" Tayuya asked.

Kotohime glared at Tayuya.

"You betrayed my master, die!" she cried as she had an insane look on her face.

"Who is this, Tayuya?" Kin asked.

"A fucking crazy motherfucking bitch" Tayuya said.

"Okay" Kin said.

Kotohime charged ready to kill Tayuya. The redhead sighed as she calmly pulled out her flute and began to play. Kotohime stopped in her tracks and fell to the ground writhing.

"What are you doing to her Tayuya?" Kin asked.

"Trapping her mind in the most horrible place ever" Tayuya said.

"And where's that?" Kin asked.

"She's bunk mates with a huge fucking ass purple dinosaur that sings about friendship, love and shit" Tayuya said.

Kin just looked at Tayuya.

"What, I read it in the book I got" Tayuya said.

Kin sighed. She really needed to talk to Kitsune about getting some as cool as what Tayuya had. She still had her shitty bells and wires.

/Scene Break/

"Yo Yugao!" Anko called.

"What do you want Anko?" Yugao Uzuki asked.

Anko plopped into a seat across from Yugao. She then shouted out an order to get some saké.

"I got a new part time job" the snake mistress said happily.

"You did?" Yugao asked with confusion.

"Yup, Kitsune gave me one" Anko said happily.

Yugao sighed.

"Anko, you already have a good job at T&amp;I. Why do you need another?" she asked.

"Why not, plus I like Kitsune. He's a crazy motherfucker. I wanted to be with him like Hana, but he didn't see me like that. But gave me a job as an Enforcer" Anko said.

"And what is an 'Enforcer'?" Yugao asked.

"Pretty much like a bodyguard" Anko said.

"You signed up for a bodyguard job?" Yugao asked, "are you crazy?"

"Crazy as a fox" Anko said with a grin.

Yugao groaned at this.

"Look, I came over because Kitsune asked me to recruit some more Enforcers and I thought of you first" Anko said.

"As much as I'm thrilled that you thought of me, Anko. I have a good job and not looking for another one" Yugao said.

"Fine, fine. But here's a pamphlet" Anko said as she pulled something out of her coat.

Yugao took it and read the front of it.

'_So You Want to be an Enforcer for a Crazy Deranged Maniac? How Do I Sign Up?_'

The Anbu wasn't sure if this was a joke or not. She looked to see Anko was drinking and decided to read it.

/Scene Break/

Tenten sighed. She was bored. She hadn't been on any mission since she went to get Tsunade and she needed something to do.

"Kitsune, I need to go on missions" she said.

"Huh, but why?" Kitsune asked.

"I want to further my ninja career Kitsune. I can't do that by just being a genin. I need to go on missions to fill out my profile and maybe make chunin in the next exams" Tenten said.

Kitsune frowned as he thought.

"But Hana is a chunin and hasn't moved any further since that" he said.

"But Hana likes being a chunin and has no ambition to go further. She is also a vet. I'm just a ninja" Tenten said.

"Fine, go on missions, but take this" Kitsune said handing his Panda-hime a doorbell.

Tenten took the doorbell and put it in her weapons pouch.

"What is it for?" she asked.

"In case you get in trouble you ring the bell and I'll come save you" Kitsune said.

"Thanks Kitsune" Tenten said pecking Kitsune's cheek.

"You're welcome my Panda-hime" Kitsune said.

/Scene Break/

So Tenten was back on her team and they were brought back to active duty. It worked well since Hana was around and she could keep Kitsune in some form of control so that meant Tenten didn't have to be in the village all the time. That was some joyful news to the populace since when they heard Tenten was back on rotation they were afraid then saw Hana would be around and how she was able to slightly contain Kitsune. So their fears settled a bit for now.

"YOSH!" Guy announced. "It's great to see the great flames within my youthful students. You all have been keeping your youthful flames alight since we have been apart."

"Yes Guy sensei" Lee said enthusiastically.

Neji looked annoyed since he now had a new problem to deal with as he struts in everywhere he goes like a fashion model as music played. The problem that he didn't know this til someone finally told him. It annoyed him since he couldn't do a thing about it and he didn't remember doing it either.

"Can we just get started on missions now Guy sensei?" Tenten asked already exasperated with her team even though it hadn't even been fifteen minutes.

"Yes, you're right Tenten. We must go and spread the Springtime of Youth everywhere!" Guy proclaimed then sped off leaving a huge cloud of dust.

Lee followed right after leaving his own dust cloud.

Tenten sighed as she followed after her sensei and crazy teammate. Neji also followed.

_(Cherry Pie by Warrant)_

Neji did his model strut and everyone in the missions room held back snickers. Neji developed a new eye tick after he had finished strut.

"Right, team 9, you're here for a mission?" Tsunade asked muffling her laughter. No matter how many times she saw it or heard it it was still damn funny.

"Yes Lady Tsunade" Guy said.

"Hmm, here take this one" Tsunade said.

"Thank you lady Tsunade, off we go my students. Our Flaming Youthful spirits are needed" Guy said and ran off.

Lee once again followed after Guy.

"He didn't even tell us what the mission is" Tenten groaned as she followed.

Neji followed right after.

"This village has too many fruitcakes" Tsunade muttered.

/Scene Break/

Sasuke was brooding. He wasn't getting any stronger and he needed to get stronger so he could kill his brother. This village was holding him back. For him to get stronger he had to leave the village. He made up his mind. He was going to leave the village to get stronger. So he packed his things and left. He was making his way to the gate late at night so no one would see him.

"Yo Emo Duck, what are you doing out?"

Sasuke turned to see Kitsune standing in front of him.

_How'd he get in front of me without me sensing him_ he thought.

"Don't tell me, you're off for a midnight rendezvous with a special lover, right?" Kitsune asked.

"Out of my way loser" Sasuke said as he tried to push Kitsune out of the way.

"Not til you tell me who your secret lover is. Is it the muffin man? You do know who the muffin man is, right? Oh, I know, it's the lube man. It has to be" Kitsune said.

"Out of my way loser" Sasuke growled.

"Oh, I know who it is. It's that crazy bag guy who smells like cod fish. You got a fish smell fetish" Kitsune said.

"Out. Of. My. Way. Loser" Sasuke thundered.

"Maybe it's all of them. Oh sly devil you, gettin' some from all of them. I never knew you were such a little skank" Kitsune said.

Sasuke lost his very little patience and charged in at Kitsune to kill him. But Kitsune evaded him easily.

"So slow Emo Duck" Kitsune said shaking his head.

"DIE!" Sasuke cried out.

"That won't do at all. Enforcer, I'm in need of your assistance" Kitsune whistled.

Anko appeared out of nowhere.

"What the motherfuck?" she asked.

She was confused. She was in the middle of drinking when she was transported here.

"Ah Crazy Snake Lady. Emo Duck is trying to kill me. I need you to make sure that doesn't happen" Kitsune said.

"Fine, but you owe me a shit load of saké since you pulled me away" Anko said.

"Done, now deal with Emo Duck" Kitsune said.

Anko nodded and moved in. She used some senbon needles and hit Sasuke in the neck. Sasuke dropped like a rock.

"Alright, now what?" the special jounin asked.

"Hmm, I think I can take it from here. Oh, and here" Kitsune said as he tossed a scroll to Anko.

"What's this?" Anko asked nabbing the scroll.

"Some of the best damn saké I could lay my hands on. I don't drink, but I figured it would come in handy some time" Kitsune said.

"Damn, this is the good stuff" Anko said as she unsealed the scroll and read the bottle.

/Scene Break/

Tenten sighed. She was happy she was on missions again, but had forgotten the insanity that is her team. Sure, she was used to insanity, but that was Kitsune's insanity, which she was used to and comfortable with. Her team was a different species altogether. She found out that their mission was to retrieve a person from a village. It was nice to be out of Konoha. She just hoped Hana could handle Kitsune while she was away. Hana was doing alright, but was still getting used to Kitsune and everything. All Tenten hoped was Konoha still be in one piece one she got back.

/Scene Break/

Five Root nin stood ready to get their target. Their Lord Danzo ordered them to get the jinchuriki after he was once again pranked by Kitsune. This time Kitsune tainted all of the water Danzo drank with laxatives. Danzo couldn't stop rushing to the bathroom. He ordered Kitsune's capture from the porcelain throne between very loud eruptions of gas and groans as he kept dropping deuces.

"So what are we waiting for?"

"The jinchuriki. Lord Danzo ordered us to capture it" a Root nin said.

"Ah, I see. Any luck spotting him so far?"

"No, none" a second Root nin said.

"Bummer, want a smoke to kill some time?"

"No, we're fine" the third Root nin said.

"Okay, how about something to read, I'm sure you're all bored of your minds?"

"No, we're fine" the fourth Root nin said.

"Huh, then how about some bubble wrap?"

"Sure" the fifth Root nin said.

The other four turned to their companion and saw Kitsune standing there behind them with a huge roll of bubble wrap.

"Hey, anyone up for bubble wrap popping?" Kitsune asked.

The fifth Root nin raised his hand then saw his comrades look at him and he put his hand down.

"Guess not" Kitsune said.

"Get him" the lead Root nin announced.

The five Root nin pounced on Kitsune. There was wrestling and fighting within a huge cloud of dust. Kitsune emerged from the still rustling dust cloud brushing himself off.

"Huh, pitiful" he commented as he watched the Root nin keep going not even noticing he wasn't even in the dust cloud any more.

/Scene Break/

Tsunade sighed as she read the report from Anko with what happened to Sasuke and the interrogation that had happened afterwards and how he was going to leave the village. She sighed and rubbed her temples. It was just one pile of shit after another with this job.

"Lady Tsunade!" a councilmember shouted as they and their posse burst into her office.

Tsunade wasn't in a very happy mode and the idiots bursting into her office like that just ticked her off even more.

"We demand justice. That demon attacked Lord Uchiha" the councilmember cried out.

"Funny you say that as I am reading a report from special jounin Mitarashi and it states that Kitsune did nothing and actually helped prevent genin Uchiha from leaving the village" Tsunade said.

"You trust the word of that snake whore?" a second councilmember hissed.

"You dare call one of my ninja such names councilmember?" Tsunade asked coolly.

"But that's what she is" the councilmember whined.

Tsunade fired off a dark glare at the councilmember making the shrink. Tsunade actually liked Anko and trusted her. She knew of the animosity Anko got due her former affiliation with the snake sannin and knew Anko was very loyal to Konoha despite how she's been treated by some others.

"Anko Mitarashi has served this village well and is quite loyal. Genin Uchiha however doesn't seemed to be" Tsunade said.

"All lies, Lord Uchiha is our strongest ninja" a third councilmember blurted out.

"Oh, then what am I?" Tsunade asked.

This made the council posse pause as their minds actually functioned for once. They all knew Tsunade and her reputation of not being one of the sannin, which was a grand title, but also her lineage too. She wasn't one to be trifled with.

"Awwww, and it was getting so good. I wanted to see SJJ beat the stuffing out of the dung beetles" Kitsune grumbled.

This had everyone turn to find Kitsune sitting off to the side in a theater style chair and a bucket of popcorn.

"You, Demon" a councilmember exclaimed.

"Well, I'm not a demon, but I could introduce you to one" Kitsune said with a grin as an idea came to his head.

The councilmember who spoke stepped back, but it was too late. Kitsune whipped out a jar with a lid. He pulled the lid off and it sucked the councilmember in. The guy screamed and then it went silent as Kitsune sealed the jar.

"Wh-wh-what did you do?" another councilmember asked scared.

"Oh, he's meeting a real demon" Kitsune said casually.

/Scene Break/

The councilmember landed hard. He looked around unsure where he was. It was dark all around him except for the single shaft of light he was standing in. Then he heard a chuckle. A dark evil chuckle. It seemed to be emitting from all directions.

"Welcome to my lair said the spider to the fly" a voice from out of the darkness said.

"Wh-wh-wh-who is there?" the councilmember asked scared shitless.

The dark chuckle came again and once again coming from everywhere it seemed.

"Who's there?" the councilmember asked terrified.

"You're worse nightmare, mortal" the voice echoed.

Out of the darkness came the Teletubbies. Horrible cries of horror came soon after. Most of them were in the vain as they screamed from the top of their lungs, 'make it stop, make it stop'.

/Scene Break/

"So what's to happen to Emo Duck?" Kitsune asked.

"Well he's to stand trial. He was attempting to leave the village without permission. He must be punished for it" Tsunade said.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh can I be the one to punish him. I got a lot of ideas I want to try out?" Kitsune asked as he raised his hand and bounced in his seat like a hyper student who knows the answer to the question.

"Lord Uchiha, will not be punished at all. This was just a minor problem" one of the councilmember said arrogantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was in charge of my ninja, I didn't know that had changed" Tsunade said giving a nasty glare to the councilmember.

"The council has spoken" the councilmember said and he got nods of agreement from his peers.

"Huh, you know what's funny" Kitsune said.

This made everyone turn to Kitsune.

"What's funny is according to the Konoha charter that a clan must be made up of at least three people. Emo Duck is all alone by himself. So he shouldn't be called a clan at all since it's just him" Kitsune said.

Tsunade's eyes widen at this and Kitsune grinned at her. On her desk the charter of Konoha appeared. She scanned it and found the law and grinned. She also found several laws in the charter that she could use to her advantage if these whiny little pissants come around again.

"It seems Kitsune is correct. Sasuke Uchiha can't be considered a part of the Uchiha clan since it's only himself. So the Uchiha clan is put in limbo til said time that two or more people join said clan" she said.

This shocked the council members and they began to bluster.

"It's a lie" one hissed.

"Why should we take the word of this demon" another growled out.

"But I didn't just take his word. It's all here in the Konoha charter" Tsunade said as she held up the scroll. "These rules were put down at the creation of this village by not only my grandfather, but also the Uchiha clan too. Every single clan within this village must abide by this charter" Tsunade said.

"I say we change the charter" a councilmember proposed.

There was rumbles of agreement on this.

"You could do that, but you have no say. Only the Hokage can make any changes and those changes must be agreed upon by all the clan heads" Kitsune said.

This caused more blustering from the idiot posse.

Kitsune walked over to Tsunade.

"Why so helpful brat?" Tsunade asked.

"My Naruto side" Kitsune said in a tone that only she heard.

Tsunade nodded. She was read into Kitsune's situation by her sensei, the previous Hokage.

"Didn't think the brat was smart though. I've seen his test scores" she said.

"Heh, he only acted dumb. What's the first lesson ninja learn?" Kitsune asked with a smirk.

"Deception" Tsunade said.

Kitsune nodded.

Tsunade was impressed.

The two were having their chat as the council posse kept blabbing and blustering.

"So what next?" Tsunade asked.

"This" Kitsune said with a grin.

The council posse were catapulted into the air out through the roof that retracted as they sailed through the sky til they were twinkles. The roof closed and the floor that had sent the group flying sank down to blend into the normal floor like it wasn't even there. Tsunade just stared and blinked a few times trying to comprehend what had just happened.

"An office welcome gift SJJ. Now you can eject anyone that pisses you off" Kitsune said as he handed Tsunade a silver rectangular box with a bright red button in the middle.

Tsunade stared at the gift and grinned. She was now starting to like the brat.

**End of Chapter**

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**A/N: right, that's another chap down. I decided to put some Naruto in this and followed my usual order of him just pretending he's an idiot and all. Still trying figure out how much more of Naruto I will show in this and when, but I thought I should give him some since I hadn't at all even after revealing that Naruto and Kitsune were merging a while ago. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

* * *

_I don't own Naruto at all_

**A/N: Wow, 10 chaps in now. It's kind of amazing getting this far really since I'm making this up as I go with no clear path. I'm glad those reading this are enjoying this and hope to keep making more fun chaps of this in the future. So thanks to you all. Also I want to thank those who provided ideas for this. I'm sorry, I can't remember specifically who you are or else I'd mention you. And please keep them coming in, I like reading them and they help me keep this going.**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Yugao stared up at the huge pyramid. She couldn't believe she was even considering this, but after a nice long talk with her boyfriend, Hayate, she decided to give this a shot. So with a deep breath she entered. She amazed by the inside and the lobby. It was lavish, but not in any kind of garish way. It gave off a very warm welcoming feeling, which was a total opposite to what Kitsune was really. Off to the side was a café/restaurant. By the front desk was a sitting area with a love seat, two couches and several comfy chairs. The ceiling looked like it reached the heavens.

"Hello, and welcome to P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G. How may I help you?" Karin asked, who was manning the front desk.

"Um yes, I'm here to talk about the Enforcer opening" Yugao said with hesitancy in her voice.

"Ah yes, please fill out this form" Karin said as she handed Yugao a clipboard with form and a pen.

Yugao took the clipboard and went to the sitting area to fill out the forms. She looked through them and found nothing too invasive. Just the typical stuff, but when she got deeper in she hit a questionnaire and they had questions she had never seen before in her life.

Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

Or do you like to go Commando?

Have you ever had a wedgie?

Do you want a wedgie?

Do you want a super wedgie?

Have you ever had a diaper rash?

Can you touch your nose and stick out your tongue?

Can you touch your tongue?

Can you touch your toes?

Are you a mammal?

Can you see your neck?

What's one plus one?

Can you count to ten with your fingers?

Do you believe in UFOs?

Do you believe in IOUs?

Do you have two eyes?

Do you have ten fingers?

Do you have ten toes?

Do you have two legs?

Do you have two arms?

Do you have one head?

Do you have two ears?

Do you have one nose?

Do you have one mouth?

Are you bilingual or are you bisexual?

These were just some of the inane, stupid or irreverent questions on the forms, which were several pages. Yugao was even wondering if this was even real. She got up and went back to Karin.

"Is this a joke?" she asked.

"Hm, no, that's the official forms I assure you" Karin said in a very professional tone.

Yugao sighed and nodded. She went back to the sitting area and filled everything out no matter how dumb they are. Once done she came back and handed the forms back to Karin.

"Okay, thank you. If you wait and the one who will interview you will be right with you" Karin said.

Yugao nodded.

It didn't take long and soon Kitsune appeared though it actually was a clone since the real Kitsune had other stuff he wanted to do. He was dressed sharply in a blue suit looking quite professional.

"Miss Uzuki?" he asked.

Yugao eyed Kitsune wondering why he was dressed in that get-up, but shrugged it off.

"Yes" she said.

"Ah, come with me" Kitsune said.

She followed Kitsune til they got to a room, which was labeled 'Interview room 1'. Once inside they took seats with Kitsune behind the desk and Yugao in front of the desk.

"Right, I've read the forms you've filled and I looked at the records from the Konoha archive. Yugao Uzuki, early thirties, an active kunoichi. A member of Anbu with the code name Neko" Kitsune said.

"How'd you get that?" Yugao asked suspiciously.

"Shoddy locks" Kitsune said casually.

Yugao frowned. She'd have to report this to the Hokage.

"Now, I have no problem with you being employed as a ninja for the village. Hell, it makes so cool being kind of like a double agent or some shit like that" Kitsune said with a grin.

Yugao said nothing.

"Right, well now getting serious" Kitsune said as Yugao noticed his posture change. "To accept this job you must be prepared to do whatever command I give you no matter how stupid you think they are. I only accept loyalty that can be bought and nothing else."

"As long as I don't have to catch a stupid cat then we'll be good" Yugao said.

"Right, no Tora missions or Super Tora missions" Kitsune said.

_Super Tora_ Yugao thought.

The rest of the interview went well for Yugao and she became the second Enforcer to join P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G. though Yugao still was questioning herself as to why she joined in the first place. But she did get a good health plan that even covered her boyfriend. Not to mention she got a bonus for joining. Plus she was allowed to keep what she usually wore just like Anko.

"How will you contact me if you need me?" Yugao asked.

"Eh, I'll figure out something. Always do" Kitsune said in a blasé tone.

Yugao just sighed, which she somehow sensed she'll be doing a lot in her new job.

Kitsune then took the forms Yugao had done and tossed them in the shredder that wasn't there before.

/Scene Break/

Hinata Hyuga was in a bit of a quandary really. Her crush Naruto was no more. She knew that since she knew all about Naruto and Kitsune. She had to from all of her stalk- observing of the blond. But now with Kitsune seem to be in full control she wondered if her precious Naruto would ever return. She had tried to think of ways to change Kitsune back into Naruto, but none seemed to work. It irked her too that Kitsune was infatuated with Tenten and now with Hana. What about her? So she decided to get with Kitsune since it would be the only way to be with Naruto, but how was the question.

"Sister, what are you thinking about?" Hanabi asked.

Hinata blinked and turned to her sister.

"Nothing Hanabi" she said.

Hanabi looked at Hinata like she was trying to see through her sister without use of her Byakugan. It didn't take long for Hinata to crack and spilled her guts.

"Leave it to me sis, I'll get this Kitsune to notice you" Hanabi said confidently.

"Why are you helping me Hanabi?" Hinata asked.

"I need something to do. All those lessons from the elders and the academy can get boring" Hanabi said.

Hinata smiled.

/Scene Break/

Hanabi began her investigation by spying on Kitsune. Sure, she's seen and heard about him, but mostly ignored him. But now she had to pay attention.

"So, who are we spying on?"

"Some guy my sister likes" Hanabi said.

"Huh, must be a looker, right?"

"Maybe, I really don't see it at all. She's been infatuated with this Naruto Uzumaki for like forever and then he changed into this Kitsune person. Finally Hinata finally decided to be with this Kitsune so she could be close to Naruto" Hanabi said summarizing her sister's situation.

"So where does this bring you in?"

"I volunteered to help her in this endeavor" Hanabi said.

"I see, you're a kind sister."

"Yeah" Hanabi said then turned to see it was Kitsune she was talking to. She yelped and jumped back.

"Wow, such a little firecracker" Kitsune commented.

"What, don't call me that" Hanabi said with a red face.

"Eh, then what should I call you?" Kitsune asked.

"My name" Hanabi said.

"But that's so boring and mundane" Kitsune whined.

_My sister __a__wants to be with this guy?_ Hanabi thought.

"So Firecracker" Kitsune began.

"I told you not to call me that" Hanabi snarled.

"Whoa, I lit the fuse. Cool" Kitsune said with a grin.

Hanabi growled and attacked. Kitsune twirled away.

"Feisty" he commented.

"Stay still!" Hanabi shouted as she tried to take down Kitsune's chakra points.

"An adult, I need an adult" Kitsune cried as Hanabi kept up her assault.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" Hanabi shouted.

Hana heard the call and ran and found this. She just stared. What could she do really? She had never seen this before. Here was Kitsune dodging and evading all of Hanabi's furious palm strikes as he kept crying out that he needed an adult and that Hanabi was trying to do a bad touch on him. All the while the young Hyuga kept trying to silence Kitsune.

"Oh hey Dog Maiden" Kitsune greeted as he kept evading Hanabi's strikes.

"Kitsune, what's going on here?" Hana asked.

Kitsune then explained the whole thing as he kept up his evasive dance.

Hana sighed, she like pretty much the rest of the village knew of Hinata's massive crush on Naruto. It was pretty much one of Konoha's worst kept secrets.

"Kitsune, what are you going to do?" she asked.

"Eh, why does it have to be me?" Kitsune whined.

"Hinata loves you, well, Naruto. So you have to do something" Hana said.

"Fine, fine" Kitsune grumbled.

He then returned his attention to Hanabi who was tiring. He pulled her to him, which made the young Hyuga blush madly.

"Let us fly!" he cried.

"Kitsune, you can't fly" Hana sighed.

"Huh, are you sure?" Kitsune asked looking a Hana like a child who was told that Santa wasn't real for the first time.

"Yes, I'm sure" Hana said.

"Darn, I thought I could. I had such an awesome cape too" Kitsune grumbled.

"Can you let go of me then?" Hanabi asked as she struggled to get out of Naruto's hold.

"Eh, why Firecracker?" Kitsune asked.

"Stop calling me that!" Hanabi shouted.

"There, there Firecracker" Kitsune said as he patted her head.

This made Hanabi blush, but in anger than embarrassment. She tried to shove Kitsune away, but couldn't.

"Kitsune, Hinata" Hana said.

"Right, right" Kitsune said. He then let go of Hanabi and went for his bag of goodies. He dug around then pull out a portable black hole.

"Here we go" he said as he threw the hole onto the ground and it stuck. He then grabbed Hanabi and dragged her down.

"LET ME GOOOOOOOOOO!" the Hyuga cried.

Hana sighed as she shook her head. She decided to keep watch over the hole til Kitsune came back. Who knows who might accidentally fall in or come out if left unguarded.

/Scene Break/

Hinata sat in her room thinking and hoping.

"YO!"

Hinata let out a surprised scream as she was startled. She fell off her bed she was sitting on. Kitsune appeared out of the other hole that randomly appeared in the wall of Hinata's room. He came through tugging Hanabi along.

"We're never doing that again" Hanabi said with great irritation.

"So I made a few wrong turns" Kitsune said casually.

Hanabi just glared at Kitsune. They ended up popping out of several holes before appearing in the right one, in Hinata's room. Some of those places she never wanted to see again. She'd have some nightmares thanks to that. Like one where she actually saw her parents creating her. No child should ever see that.

"N-n-n-n-n-n-Naruto, H-h-h-h-h-Hanabi?" Hinata asked.

"Um, hi sister" Hanabi said with a wave.

"Hey, how you doin'?" Kitsune asked in a Joey Tribbiani fashion.

Hinata blushed at this as Hanabi rolled her eyes.

"Hinata, can we talk?" Kitsune asked.

Hinata nodded her head shyly.

"Right, later Firecracker" Kitsune said.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Hanabi shouted.

Kitsune took Hinata's hand making the poor girl go bright tomato. He led her through the black hole.

/Scene Break/

Hana saw Kitsune emerge with Hinata in tow. Once out Kitsune peeled the black hole off the ground and stuck it back into his rucksack.

"Right, where should we talk?" he asked.

"Why not back in Pyramidas?" Hana suggested.

"Awwww, but I just got here. I don't want to walk any more" Kitsune whined.

"Just use that black hole thing again" Hana said.

"Are you crazy?!" Kitsune exclaimed like Hana just told him that Cher and the Rolling Stones were going to do a duet together.

"What, you used it before" Hana said confused.

"Yeah, but it's no longer funny if I use it a second time so close to the first. For it to have comedic affect it must be used when the time is right" Kitsune said.

"You only used it for comedic affect?" Hana asked unable to comprehend the concept.

"Well yeah, doesn't everybody" Kitsune said like it should be obvious.

"Fine" Hana said.

"Um, there's a small café nearby" Hinata said speaking up for the first time.

"Huh, okay there" Kitsune said.

Hana shrugged.

"Whatever, you two go and talk. I'm off" she said.

"What? You're joining us Dog Maiden?" Kitsune asked with disappointment.

"This is between you two. Nothing to do with me" Hana said.

Kitsune pouted.

In the café Kitsune and Hinata sat. Hinata was nervous, so nervous that she couldn't say a word. Heck, it was a real struggle to even order. She was with Naruto, her crush. Yes, she knew it was Kitsune, but still it was Naruto to her in a way.

"Alright, I guess we best get down to business" Kitsune said.

"Y-y-yes" Hinata said.

"Look Hinata, I know you have a hard on for me" Kitsune said.

Hinata squeaked as her cheeks went bright red as her imagination went wild. A bit of blood leaked out of her nose.

"Huh, you're just a big perv huh Hinata. I bet you checked out under my hood whenever you could with those eyes of yours" Kitsune said wiggling his eyebrows.

Hinata wanted to deny it, but couldn't since she had and knew Naruto/Kitsune was the biggest in her entire class. Not that she avidly looked at the others, but her curiosity got the better of her. She never saw one before and wanted to know if they were all that big or if Naruto/Kitsune was the exception. It turned out to be the latter. That and she was a big pervert too.

"Hmm, so many possibilities" Kitsune pondered.

"K-k-k-kitsune" Hinata stuttered out.

"Hinata, I have no feelings like you have for Naruto. Heck, Naruto doesn't even know you liked him like that. He's too thickheaded to understand those kinds of things as of yet and you'd have to wait for him to figure it out" Kitsune said.

Hinata's first instinct was to defend Naruto, but then she heard the rest and had to agree with Kitsune. All of her own spying told her the same.

"Look, you're a good girl Hinata. You've got a hot bod with a crackin' rack that would make Pam Anderson jealous. Just you're not right for me" Kitsune said.

Hinata slumped at this though her cheeks were bright red at Kitsune's comments about her body even though she had no clue who this Pam person was.

"But I will offer you my friendship" Kitsune said.

"Y-y-y-y-you will?" Hinata asked.

"Sure, Naruto is friends with you so why shouldn't I" Kitsune said.

"Thank you, Kitsune" Hinata said feeling a bit better.

"No problem. Now as a gift of our new friendship here" Kitsune said as he pulled something out of his sack.

Hinata took it and looked at it. It was a silver wristwatch.

"What is this?" she asked.

"A communicator. Call me if you're ever in trouble and I'll come in to save you" Kitsune said.

Hinata nodded and put it on her wrist. She was sad that she wouldn't be with her crush, but was glad she now had a friend who'd come to her aid.

/Scene Break/

Tenten was feeling good now with completing a few missions with her team. Sure, they drove her nuts, but she was back in her groove.

"YOSH, ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL MISSION. ONCE AGAIN OUR GLORIOUS FLAMES OF YOUTH PREVAIL!" Guy shouted.

"Yes Guy sensei, I can feel my youthful flames burning within me. I'm about to be flamin'" Lee said excitedly.

"That's the spirit Lee, we must let out the Springtime of Youth out for all to see. We must be all aflame!" Guy said.

"Guy sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Guy sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Guy sensei!"

"Lee!"

The two embraced and once again they were naked as a sunset appeared with waves crashing upon the rocks with bad porno music playing in the background. Thankfully they weren't any people since they were on the road, but several animals nearby fell over with seizures and some birds fell out of the sky.

Tenten averted her eyes and muttered a few curse words. She'd have a talk with Kitsune when she got back.

/Scene Break/

"What the hell is wrong with this damn cat?" a genin asked tiredly.

"I don't know" the second genin said panting.

"The thing has to be possessed or something" the third genin said.

Even the jounin sensei was confused since the Tora mission they took was different. Tora was always hard to catch, but recently Tora has become down right impossible really. It took the genin teams longer and longer each outing. They'd be on this one mission for days sometimes weeks even. It was getting bad that there was talk of upgrading the Tora mission from D to C maybe.

This Tora seemed to have hyper speed as it dashed around you could actually see its after image. Then the fact that this Tora would constantly taunt its chaser with quite obscene gestures. It really got on the nerves of all who went after the cat. That and the fact in those after images of Tora it looked like it had rocket boosters, but that had to be an optical illusion, right?

/Scene Break/

Sasuke was in prison sulking. He was so close leaving the village then that idiot had to stop him and he ended up right here.

"Yo Emo Duck."

Sasuke looked up and growled as he saw Kitsune.

"What do you want idiot?" he asked with a deadly glare.

"Just wanted to let you know I signed you up for a dating website" Kitsune said.

"What is that?" Sasuke asked confused.

"Yeah, it's Prison Matchmaker or something. You can not believe how many chicks are desperate for a guy that they'd go for one doing time" Kitsune said.

He then showed Sasuke's profile.

"What the hell is that on my eyes?" Sasuke asked.

"Oh that, I thought your look needed spicing up so I added the teardrops there" Kitsune said.

"Remove that" Sasuke growled.

"Aww, why? You've already gotten tons of hits. Just take a look" Kitsune said.

Sasuke growled as he was forced to watch every girl that liked his profile and wanted to meet him to those who wanted a conjugal visit.

/Scene Break/

Meanwhile in a council meeting Tsunade was smirking. She knew what Kitsune had done and been doing lately. Ever since Danzo had been ordering his Root to capture Kitsune he's been in innumerous incidents. All of them having his rump injured. So much so he was forced to sit on a donut. Whenever the leader of Root moved in his seat you'd hear the rubbery friction, it echoed loudly in the council room.

/Scene Break/

"Kitsune, I want you to remove whatever you did to Guy and Lee" Tenten said.

"Awwww, but their brojob is in like total full bloom" Kitsune said pouting.

"Kitsune please, they're driving me crazy and the number of people in the hospital for trying to claw their eyes out or collapsing and having seizures just keeps increasing" Tenten said. "I've even heard that wildlife have been affected too."

"Huh, I didn't think that could happen. Cool" Kitsune said. "Hm, fine, but now I need to think of something else."

Tenten was relieved though a bit fearful at what Kitsune might do as a change.

/Scene Break/

Kiba wasn't happy. His sister was living with a nutcase and his mom was over the moon about it. He decided he had to do something about it. So he went to Pyramidas to challenge Kitsune.

"Hey loser!"

Karin, who was at the front desk, looked up to see Kiba and then went back to her magazine she was reading. Kiba growled at the disrespect he was getting. He stomped over to the front desk.

"Where's that loser?" he asked.

"Who are you and do you have an appointment?" Karin asked in a snooty tone.

"Me, I'm the guy who is going to kick that loser's ass" Kiba said.

"I'm sorry, but I don't see your name. Please leave" Karin said faux politely.

"No way, not until I kick that loser's ass" Kiba said.

Karin sighed as she opened her rucksack for the first time. She rummaged through it and found what she was looking for. She then pulled out the Megaton Hammer. She then bashed Kiba in the head. This made Kiba get driven into the ground like a nail leaving only his head.

"You have been warned, please leave" she said.

"OW! What the hell?!" Kiba yelled as he struggled to get out.

"Please leave before you get another warning" Karin said.

Kiba growled as he finally was able to remove himself. He stood firm not budging an inch. Karin put the hammer back and pulled out a pair of rusty hedge trimmers. This made Kiba's eyes widened seeing this.

"Last chance before you get your last warning" Karin said as she opened and closed the rusty garden tool.

Kiba sensing a possible danger to his manhood ran away.

/Scene Break/

Another group of Root nin were on a mission to kidnap Kitsune. The other teams have all failed. Danzo was of course quite displeased with each failure. And with each failure he was pranked and each prank targeted his rump til he feared sitting for the fear of the chair collapsing or becoming a cactus or igniting low-grade explosive tags. Like stated before he's gone to sitting on a donut since his butt has yet to fully heal from all the assaults.

The Root nin finally found Kitsune and were prepared to take him.

"Hey" Kitsune greeted with a wide smile.

This put the Root nin on edge. They knew what had happened to the other teams and didn't want to share their fate.

"Boy, One-eye the Cripple is really a one trick pony if he keeps sending his peons after me like this. Now what should I do to you, hmmm?" Kitsune pondered.

The Root nin began to sweat. Sure they were brainwashed to be emotionless puppets, but somehow Kitsune destroyed all that programming since their fear was a built in fear that all humans have and couldn't get rid of.

"Ah, I got it" Kitsune said with a grin.

Later the Root nin were found huddled in a corner all muttering about sheep and wolves.

/Scene Break/

"Loser, what did you do to Sasuke!?" Sakura shouted.

Kitsune looked up from his crossword puzzle.

"Eh" he responded.

"What did you do to Sasuke?" Sakura growled.

"Set him up with a ton of dozen desperate women who have a thing for convicts" Kitsune said.

Sakura blinked. Now she didn't know this. She wanted to know why the idiot put her precious Sasuke in jail.

"You did what" she said stunned.

"Yeah, you would not believe how women out there are desperate enough for love that they would do a convict. Heh, Emo Duck's swimming in them now" Kitsune said, "I wonder how they do visits in ninja prison?"

Sakura's eye twitched. No girl would get to her Sasuke before her. She dashed away with more speed and energy than she ever had before.

"I wonder if I should tell her she's going in the wrong direction?" Kitsune asked aloud. He then shrugged and went back to his crossword, which was blank. He just wanted to make it look like he was doing it.

/Scene Break/

Kiba finally was back at it. He decided to not go back to where that crazy girl was with those rusty shears, but he was still going to beat Naruto.

"LOSER!"

Kitsune looked up and looked around then went back to what he was doing. Eating ramen. The Naruto part of him was craving in and though Kitsune liked it, but wasn't as obsessed like his Naruto half. He was more of a yakisoba kind of guy himself. Well that was today, it might change tomorrow.

Kiba growled not happy that the loser didn't respond to him. He stomped over and grabbed Kitsune pulling him away from his ramen and off his stool. Those who saw this scattered afraid of what was bound to happen.

"Eh, what's up Flea Circus?" Kitsune asked casually.

"What did you do to my sister?" Kiba asked.

Kitsune squinted.

"You have a sister?" he asked.

"Of course I do. Hana!" Kiba shouted letting spittle fly.

"Say it, don't spray it Flea Circus. And as to my Dog Maiden. What she and I do is none of your business" Kitsune said.

Kiba growled. He was going to was going to show this loser who was top dog. He reared his fist back and hurled it right at Kitsune.

"Moon Neko" Kitsune called.

Yugao blinked as she suddenly appeared. She had no clue what was going on. She was just resting after training in an Anbu training ground and then ended up here. She did see what was happening and grabbed Kiba's fist stopping him from punching Kitsune.

"What's going on here?" she asked calmly.

"Excellent timing Moon Neko" Kitsune said appearing out of Kiba's grip and sitting back on the stool slurping his ramen.

"What the, how'd you get there?" Kiba asked angry and confused. Something an Inuzuka really hated to be.

"I walked" Kitsune said then turned to Yugao, "Flea Circus tried to assault me. So do a code 14 on him."

Yugao furrowed her brow at this. After her interview Kitsune gave her a rule book and there were codes in it. She then remembered what code 14 was.

"Are you sure?" she asked slowly.

"Yup, it will give him a sense of accomplishment" Kitsune said.

"Fine, but I better get something for this" Yugao said not pleased with what she was ordered to do.

"No problem, I always generously award my minions when they've done a job well done" Kitsune said.

Kiba was found later walking gingerly and not feeling good at all. A code 14 was to give the attacker an enema. Yugao for her reward got tickets to a luxury spa for her and her boyfriend.

**End of Chapter**

* * *

**A/N: I thought it was time to do something about the whole Hinata thing since I know that would be asked by one of my readers so I decided to nip in the bud. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Kitsune &amp; Panda**

**By: Sheltie**

* * *

_I don't own Naruto at all_

**A/N: okay, new chap and things are rolling with no real direction at all. Just let the wind take them. Just enjoy the ride with all the twists and turns no matter how unfathomable they may be.**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

"Kabuto" Orochimaru hissed.

"Yes, lord Orochimaru?" Kabuto asked.

"I need Sasuke, get the Sound Four. Their mission is to retrieve him" Orochimaru said.

"Um, they aren't the Sound Four any more. Tayuya isn't there" Kabuto corrected.

"Fine, the Three Tenors" Orochimaru said.

"I think that name is taken" Kabuto said.

"Okay, the Three Stooges" Orochimaru said.

"Again, that name is taken" Kabuto said.

"Arghhh, just send those three to get the Uchiha. We'll figure out a name for them later" Orochimaru said frustrated.

"Very well lord Orochimaru, but what about everything else?" Kabuto asked.

Chaos was still going on in Oto thanks to Kin and Tayuya though Kabuto and Orochimaru still had no clue it was them.

"We'll deal with it later. I need Sasuke" Orochimaru said.

"Yes, as you wish" Kabuto said bowing his head.

/Scene Break/

"Kitsune, what are you doing now?" Tenten asked.

Kitsune said nothing as he pulled out a scythe from his rucksack.

"Kitsune, don't tell me that's the Shinigami's scythe?" Tenten asked.

"Okay, I won't" Kitsune said with a grin.

Tenten groaned. She knew this will be trouble.

Kitsune walked out of the room grinning like mad.

/Scene Break/

A robed figure entered their office and let out a deep tired sigh then plopped into their very cushy chair and then looked at all the paperwork in front of them glaring at it, hoping that it would catch on fire if they stared hard enough. They then reached out for something only to find air.

"WHERE'S MY FUCKING SCYTHE!?"

/Scene Break/

"Tenten, what's that?" Hana asked as she entered the room.

"Kitsune has the Shinigami's scythe" Tenten muttered.

Hana's eyes widened. She had noticed Kitsune carrying the weapon of the Shinigami, but didn't recognize it since it wasn't a weapon she sees a lot.

"How'd he get-" she asked.

"I don't know and I really don't want to know how" Tenten said shaking her head.

"What's he going to do with it?" Hana asked.

"Who knows, but be prepared for anything" Tenten warned.

Hana nodded.

/Scene Break/

Kitsune grinned as he held the Shinigami scythe and readied himself. He gripped the wooden shaft hard then made a downward slash opening a rift. Stepping out of the rift was a red haired woman.

"Hey mom" Kitsune greeted.

"Hello son" the woman greeted.

The woman, Kushina Uzumaki, looked around at her new surroundings.

"So how long?" she asked.

Kitsune shrugged.

"There you are, give me back my scythe!"

Kitsune grinned and turned to the person shouting at him.

"HEY BARFY!" he shouted.

The person, the Shinigami, glared at Kitsune.

"I told you not to call me that!" the death god shouted.

"Son, why are you calling the Shinigami Barfy?" Kushina asked.

Kitsune just grinned as the Shinigami glared at Kitsune with a glare that told him he'd be sent to the lowest pits of Hades when the time came for his death.

"Barfy here can't drink anyone under the table" Kitsune said. "Lightweight."

"Okay…" Kushina said confused.

What Kitsune was talking about was he decided to pay a visit to where all the gods and immortal beings lived. How was he able to do this? He hailed a taxi. Now how did he find a taxi that could take him to the realm of the gods and other immortal beings? Don't ask. He found them having a party, which they had a lot of since it got boring and they needed to do something to have fun. While there Kitsune found that the Shinigami wasn't much of a drinker and when they drank they spewed. Now it wouldn't have been bad, but Kitsune decided to point it out, loudly. Thus the god of death got a new nickname they never wanted.

"YOU DIE!" the Shinigami cried as they leapt at Kitsune.

The two wrestled around and the hood of the Shinigami's cloak came off and Kushina's eyes widened. The god of death was a young girl. She had dark purple hair and ice blue eyes. Kushina couldn't get a good look at the Shinigami's body due to the bulky black cloak she wore.

Kitsune kept grinning as he wrestled around then pinned the god of death and began tickling her.

"Stop… oh gods… stop… I'm warning you… I'll send you to Hades… just stop…" the Shinigami laughed as tears poured from her eyes.

"No, not til you give" Kitsune said.

"Fine, I give, I give. Just stop" the Shinigami pleaded.

"And I get to keep your scythe" Kitsune said as he slowed, but didn't stop.

"No, never. That can never be in the hands of a mortal" the Shinigami panted.

"But I want it" Kitsune whined.

The Shinigami could tell she couldn't win this and it irked her since she was death. Death always won in the end.

"Fine" she said in a very unhappy tone.

"Shake" Kitsune said as he held out his hand.

The Shinigami and Kitsune shook hands to signify the agreement.

"AWESOME!" Kitsune shouted as he leapt up and ran around with the scythe lifting it up in the air like it was some kind of championship belt.

The Shinigami grumbled as she sat up. Kushina knelt by her.

"Um, are you alright?" the redhead asked.

"Fine, just pissed" the Shinigami muttered.

"So, uh" Kushina started.

"You can call me -" the Shinigami said.

Kushina blinked.

"Right, sorry, I forgot you can say my name since it's in a tongue you can't learn" the Shinigami said.

"Then what should I call you?" Kushina asked.

"Barfy?" Kitsune suggested.

"NO!" the Shinigami shouted.

Kitsune pouted.

"You can call me Anya" the Shinigami said after some thought.

"Okay, Anya" Kushina said.

"Yes" Anya said nodding her head.

"I still like Barfy better" Kitsune said pouting.

Anya growled at Kitsune.

/Scene Break/

Sasuke sat sulking in his cell. He was fuming. He was stuck here for his punishment for trying to leave the village that is until the wall of his cell shattered revealing three guys.

"So this is the Uchiha, don't see why Lord Orochimaru wants him?" Sakon asked.

"He doesn't look like much" Ukon said in agreement with his brother.

"Shut up, we have our orders and grab him so we can go" Kidomaru said.

"Fine, fine" Sakon said.

The third guy, Jirobo, grabbed Sasuke and hauled him off like a sack of potatoes.

/Scene Break/

Tsunade was unhappy as news of Sasuke being freed had just gotten to her.

"I need a team" she muttered.

"Oh, oh, me, me, me" Kitsune said called as he sat at a school desk waving his hand in the air like an eager student wanting to answer a teacher's question.

"What the hell are you doing here brat?" Tsunade asked.

"I'm bored, I need something to do. So gimmie" Kitsune said.

"Fine, now a team for you" Tsunade said.

"All taken care, see ya SJJ" Kitsune said.

He then went up in a giant mushroom shaped smoke cloud and Tsunade grumbled about how the smoke would take a long time to get out of the office as she opened up all the windows.

/Scene Break/

Away from the village and the three Oto nin released Sasuke from his bonds as well as gave him a standard shinobi kit with kunais and shuriken since he had none.

"Who are you?" Sasuke demanded.

"You're coming with us. Lord Orochimaru wants you" Sakon said.

"Hmph, and what makes you think I'll be going anywhere with you?" Sasuke asked in an arrogant tone.

"Look kid, you're coming no matter what" Kidomaru said.

"Che, like you can beat me" Sasuke said boastfully.

"Oh, but they can Emo Duck. But you'd like that, huh. You probably like it rough" Kitsune said.

"Loser" Sasuke growled with anger.

He then leapt up charging at Kitsune since it was all Kitsune's fault for everything that has happened to him. Kitsune was taken down by Sasuke tackling him to the ground only for Sasuke to realize that it wasn't Kitsune he was on top of, but Kidomaru.

"So forceful Emo Duck. My, you don't even have any foreplay" Kitsune said from his spot on another tree limb.

Jirobo, Sakon and Ukon blinked. They never saw the switch.

"Get off me, damnit" Kidomaru snarled.

Sasuke got off of Kidomaru.

"So not your type? What about him, maybe you like someone with a bit more bulk on him" Kitsune said as he jerked his head to Jirobo.

"Hey, I'm not gay man" Jirobo said, "not that there's anything wrong with that, just that's not my bag."

"Then it's those two, you know what they say double the pleasure" Kitsune said pointing at Sakon and Ukon.

"Oh hell no!" the brothers shouted.

"LOSER, DIE!" Sasuke screamed.

"It's just the one brat, we can take him" Sakon said.

"Heh, yeah this will be easy" Kidomaru said with a sinister grin.

Kitsune easily dodged Sasuke's charge and grinned at the three Oto nin.

"Show time" he said. "Avengers, Assemble!"

/Scene Break/

Yugao was on guard as an Anbu when she felt a pull. She had no control of it and was tugged. It felt like something was pulling her by her navel. She vanished without even her fellow Anbu noticing.

/Scene Break/

Anko was bored at her post in T&amp;I when she felt the same navel tug that Yugao felt, but she knew what it meant.

"Finally some damn action" she muttered then disappeared.

/Scene Break/

The two women appeared in front of Kitsune.

"So brat, what do ya need this time?" Anko asked.

"What is going on?" Yugao asked.

"I have called upon you to defeat these so we can take Emo Duck back" Kitsune said.

"Alright, this will be fun" Anko said with a sadistic grin as she cracked her knuckles.

"Well, I could use some exercise" Yugao said with a shrug.

The two women eyed their opponents, who looked a bit worried since this was totally unexpected.

"There's just two of them, we can take them" Kidomaru proclaimed.

"Yeah, this will be easy" Sakon said.

"Oh, did you forget about me?" Kitsune asked with a crazy grin.

"I'll take care of the loser, you take care of them" Sasuke ordered.

"Hey, who died and let you be boss?" Kidomaru asked.

"Yeah, we're older so we should be ordering you" Sakon said.

Ukon nodded in agreement with his brother.

"Just do it" Sasuke barked.

The three just shrugged as they looked at Yugao and Anko trying to get a read on them.

"Oh I'm going to have some much fun" Anko grinned in a psychotic fashion.

"Anko control yourself. We should try to leave of them alive so we can interrogate them" Yugao said calmly.

"Yeah, yeah" Anko said as she waved her hand.

"Right which one do you want?" Jirobo asked.

"I'll go for the crazy one over there" Kidomaru said.

"Right, then what about you Sakon?" Jirobo asked.

But Sakon wasn't there.

"Hey, where's Sakon at?" Jirobo asked.

Kidomaru looked confused as he looked around not finding their third member.

"Guys, help!"

Kidomaru and Jirobo looked up to find Sakon and Ukon stuck spread-eagle in a massive web. A big spider slowly making its way out grinning. Well, it appeared to be a grin, but since a spider didn't have a mouth there was no way to be sure.

"How the hell" Kidomaru muttered.

"Don't ask how, get me out of here. I think this spider is a female and I don't want my first time be with a fucking spider!" Sakon cried.

"Me neither!" Ukon cried.

"Dude, you two are virgins?" Jirobo asked.

/Scene Break/

Sasuke glared at Kitsune. It was all of Kitsune's fault for everything that has happened in his life recently. If it wasn't for Kitsune he'd have gotten the power he needed to kill Itachi. He was sure of it.

"So, can we talk about this?" Kitsune asked casually.

"You will die loser" Sasuke snarled.

"Guess not" Kitsune said then sighed. "Well, now I need to figure out how to do this. Hmm, flambé, sautéed, or maybe something totally different."

"What are you talking about loser?" Sasuke asked.

"Eh. Oh, I'm taking cooking classes and my assignment is to cook a special dish. I haven't decided on what I should make yet" Kitsune said casually.

Sasuke's eye twitched. The loser wasn't taking him seriously. Well, he'll show him. He pulled out a kunai and charged as Kitsune.

/Scene Break/

Meanwhile back with the other battle. Yugao and Anko just stared at Sakon struggling to get free from the web that held him.

"The foxy brat got some style eh Yugao" Anko commented.

"I suppose you can call it that" Yugao said.

"So how should we deal with these two?" Anko asked.

"I'm not too sure" Yugao said as she tried to analyze her opponents.

"Well I know what I want to do" Anko said grinning as she opened up the rucksack.

Yugao saw this and remembered she had one too. She hadn't used it yet.

_Might as well see what I have in this thing_ she thought as she pulled out her rucksack.

"What are they doing?" Kidomaru asked.

"No clue" Jirobo answered.

The two watched the two women rummage around in their rucksacks.

"Damn, I was hoping for something bad ass" Anko pouted as she pulled a breast pump.

"Um, what am I suppose to do with this?" Yugao asked as she pulled out a whistle.

"Totally awesome you pulled out the Mythical Call Whistle" Kitsune said in awe.

"'Mythical'?" Yugao questioned.

"Yeah, blow and awesome shall happen" Kitsune said.

"What about mine, I got gypped?" Anko whined.

"Eh, that. Huh, I wondered where I put that" Kitsune said as he took the breast pump from Anko.

"That's yours?" Anko asked curiously.

"No, not mine. It's a friend of a friend's of a friend's of a friend's. They wanted me to hold on to it" Kitsune said casually.

"What the hell does that mean?" Anko asked.

"Here use this" Kitsune said as he tossed Anko something from his rucksack.

Anko caught it and grinned. In her hands was silver remote with a big red button in the middle.

"What does it do?" she asked.

Kitsune shrugged, "who knows."

Anko's grin grew to maniacal proportions.

"Time to press button!" the snake mistress cried in sheer ecstasy.

She pressed the button and the entire place turned onto a huge disco hall. There was a giant disco ball hanging from the sky it seemed. The lights kept shifting into numerous colors. Disco music began to play also.

_(Stayin' Alive by Bee Gees)_

"What the hell?!" Anko asked outraged.

"Ah, mood music. Now the battle can begin" Kitsune said then disappeared from Anko and Yugao's side revealing it was a clone.

"Damn foxy brat" Anko grumbled since she wanted something exciting to happen.

/Scene Break/

"So much rage Emo Duck, you know there's healthier ways to release that, right?" Kitsune asked as he evaded Sasuke's charge.

"Just die!" Sasuke shouted.

"Ah, the one trick pony. Easy to ride, quickly gets boring" Kitsune mused.

Sasuke attempted to slash Kitsune with his kunai, but it went right through Kitsune.

"What the?" the Uchiha muttered baffled at what he just witnessed.

"Oh, I'm just a hologram. This got real boring really fast so I just decided to do this. So go ahead and slash to your heart's content" the hologram Kitsune said.

Sasuke roared with rage at what he had to put up with.

/Scene Break/

With their new situation Anko and Yugao stared down their two opponents ignoring the third since he was tied up at the moment. The music still playing, but Dancing Queen had ended and Stayin' Alive was playing.

"Well might as well try this and see what happens" Yugao sighed.

She then blew the whistle. Nothing seemed to happen then a low rumbling was felt under their feet getting louder and louder with the vibrations getting more and more intense.

"What the hell?!" Kidomaru cried.

"YEE-HAA, get along little doggies!" Kitsune cried as he rode a horse dressed as a cowboy.

He was in the middle of a huge stampede of cattle.

"Shit, we gotta run" Kidomaru cried.

"But where?" Jirobo asked.

They had no time as they were trampled by the thundering herd. The herd somehow missed Yugao and Anko.

"No fair" Anko pouted.

Lying on the ground were Jirobo and Kidomaru. All beat up from being trampled on, but alive.

"Yup, thems cows can do that to ya if you ain't careful" Kitsune drawled as he walked up still wearing his cowboy outfit.

"Kitsune, if you're here what's going on with the Uchiha?" Yugao asked.

"Oh he's just getting some anger out" Kitsune said.

Yugao and Anko turned to find Sasuke slashing at the Kitsune hologram repeatedly crying out for the hologram to die while the hologram kept telling him that he needed to use his inside voice and that all that tension could go away if Sasuke had sex. It looked like Sasuke was tiring.

"Should we just let him wear himself out then take all these back?" Yugao asked.

"Sure, fine" Anko said in a quick manner.

"What is the problem Anko?" Yugao asked sensing something was wrong with her friend.

"I got jack shit while you got something cool" Anko complained.

Yugao just sighed.

/Scene Break/

Jiraiya sighed. He needed this really after all the shit that's been going on. He took a long sip of his saké. As he was doing this Kitsune was sitting nearby. He was bored and thought it was time to have fun with the guy who was supposed to be his godfather and had done diddly squat in taking care of him. The Naruto side wanted to forgive the sage, but Kitsune would only forgive after a prank or two or three.

"Toad meet Mr. Blue" Kitsune muttered as he grinned.

He used a rubber band and made a makeshift slingshot with his index and middle finger. His ammo were blue pills. He fired them off with each one landing right into Jiraiya's glass. He then sat back to watch the fun.

Jiraiya finished his drink when he felt a certain area get stiff. He was confused since he was just sitting in a bar. Not a brothel or any of the skin bars he liked to frequent. He tried to think non-sexy thoughts hoping it would go down. It didn't. It just got painfully hard. He winced never feeling this kind of pain before. He stood up being careful that no one noticed. Thankfully it was early and most ninja were doing their duties, not drinking like he was.

"Ugh, got to see Tsunade" he muttered as he paid for his drink.

Kitsune followed Jiraiya out of the bar grinning the whole way.

/Scene Break/

"I NEED TO SEE TSUNADE AND ONLY TSUNADE!" Jiraiya thundered.

By the time he got to the hospital it was so hard, so, so painfully hard. It hurt bad. The nurse at the station had told the toad sage that Tsunade wasn't available and he could see another physician. Jiraiya wouldn't go with option B.

Finally Tsunade came in very grumpy.

"Alright, I'm here you perverted toad, what do you want?" she asked with displeasure.

"Not here Tsunade, private room" Jiraiya said as his voice strained to stay normal given the pain he was feeling.

"Fine" Tsunade muttered.

Jiraiya followed Tsunade trying to walk normally, but Tsunade noticed something different. Once in a private exam room she turned to her teammate.

"Now what is it?" she asked.

"Um, well" Jiraiya murmured not feeling comfortable with what was going on.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow at this.

"Yes, well, I'm feeling some pain" Jiraiya said.

"Okay, where?" Tsunade asked.

"It's uh" Jiraiya started, but muttered unintelligently the rest.

"What was that, what did you say?" Tsunade asked.

"It's umphder" Jiraiya muttered.

"Just spit it out or I'm walking" Tsunade barked out.

"I've got a fucking woody that's damn painful!" Jiraiya shouted.

/Scene Break/

Sasuke was once again jailed. He was super pissed now and now his urge to kill his brother was pushed aside to deal with Kitsune. He'd kill Kitsune if it was the last thing he'd do.

/Scene Break/

Located in a rain soaked village the Legion of Doo- oops, I mean the Akatsuki meet.

"Report" Pein said.

"Wait, you gotta do roll call" Kitsune shouted out.

"What?" Pein asked totally caught off guard by Kitsune's shout.

"Ya heard me, roll call. You baddies gotta do this and make it sound badass" Kitsune said.

"You know that doesn't sound like a bad idea" Konan said thoughtfully.

"Fine, roll call" Pein said with annoyance though deep inside he thought that sounded damn cool and wished he had thought of it first.

"Kisame, reporting in" Kisame said.

"Deidra, exploding onto the scene" Deidra said.

"Sasori, the Puppet Master has come" Sasori said.

"Hidan, all hail Jashin!" Hidan shouted religiously.

"Kakazu, the immortal one has arrived" Kakazu said.

"Itachi Uchiha" Itachi said.

"Dude, what a piss-poor intro" Kisame commented.

Itachi ignored his partner.

"**Zetsu here**, the master spy cometh" Zetsu said.

"Konan, the angel of Ame" Konan said.

"Pein, all those tremble before me" Pein said.

"Don't forget me, Tobi. Tobi's a good boy" Tobi said.

"Right, we've done roll call. Now on to business, what of the status of capturing the jinchuriki?" Pein asked.

"**We've located all and** are in the process of getting them" Zetsu said.

"We would've nabbed the kyuubi brat, but Itachi here pulled out" Kisame said.

"What's this, why did you do that?" Pein demanded.

"What Kisame failed to realize and Zetsu too was that what we encountered was not Naruto Uzumaki, but an altered personality" Itachi said.

"What do you mean?" Pein asked.

Itachi gave a brief summary of how Kitsune came to be.

"Shit, that village of yours fucked the kid up royally" Hidan said.

"Damn" Deidra said.

"Eh, I've heard better" Kitsune said.

Itachi sighed as he closed his eyes.

"Hello Kitsune" he greeted.

"Yo Weasel, so this is where you hangin' nowadays? Damn, you're all full of moody emos" Kitsune said as he dropped from the ceiling surprising everyone except Itachi.

"How did you get in here?" Pein demanded shocked that anyone could get into Ame without his knowing.

"I walked, it was easy. You should do it some time" Kitsune said.

"Seize him!" Pein shouted.

Kitsune smirked as the missing nin prepared to grab him. He pulled out a Hello Kitty pillow and there was a loud gasp.

"Is that what I think it is?" Konan asked utterly stunned.

"Yup, a limited edition Hello Kitty pillow still in its plastic. Only a twenty-five of these made since they were made with 14-karat gold thread" Kitsune said.

Konan's eyes widened then went to Itachi, who nodded. So this is Itachi's guy she thought.

"Enough of this, seize him" Pein said.

"You'll do nothing of the sort!" Konan barked out.

This froze all the males in the room. They could feel the dreaded female wrath pouring out of Konan.

"Konan, what is the meaning of this?" Pein asked shocked.

"There's no way in hell I'm going to let any of you take him" Konan said firmly.

"What do you mean?" Pein asked befuddled.

"He's Itachi's guy, he's the one who gave Itachi all the Hello Kitty stuff that is so rare to find that some say they are a myth" Konan said. "And if any of you try and harm him you'll answer to me."

A dark ominous aura surrounded the Angel of Ame.

"Whatever, I don't care about that stuff, time for some explosions!" Deidra said.

He tossed some of his clay bombs at Kitsune who evaded them by what looked appeared to be ice-skating. Though he was wearing no physical skates and the floor wasn't made or covered with ice.

"Eh, I've seen better than your little sparklers" Kitsune said with disinterest.

"What, you're lying!" the mad bomber from Iwa cried.

"Nope" Kitsune said.

"I am Iwa's mad bomber" Deidra cried out.

"The only bombs you drop are deuces" Kitsune quipped.

"Oh, burn" Kisame laughed.

"Shut up gilly neck" Deidra snapped.

"That's the best you got?" Kisame asked with disbelief.

"Hey, I'm not good when I'm on the spot you know" Deidra said.

"He's got performance anxiety. Don't worry, happens to all of us. I'm sure there's some pills for that" Kitsune said.

Deidra's face was red as the other members chuckled at this.

"Kitsune, what are you doing here?" Itachi asked.

"Eh, I was bored and needed something to do. I've gotten tired of my usual stuff and decided to expand" Kitsune said.

Itachi's face showed emotion for the first time in a long time. It was fear.

"Expand" he said slowly with terror laced in his voice.

"Yup, and I decided to start here. Now who wants to go first?" Kitsune asked as he eyed his new shiny toys.

"Look brat, you're going to get carved up good" Kisame said as he gripped his sword.

"Cool sword" Kitsune said as he held Samehada.

Kisame blinked as he didn't even realize that Kitsune had taken his sword. In his hand was a giant sign that read, 'I'm with stupid' with an arrow pointing right at the Kiri missing nin.

"Brat give that back!" he shouted.

"Eh" Kitsune said as he was in the middle of shaving off pieces of ham with Samehada.

"What are you doing brat, that sword isn't some kitchen tool?!" Kisame cried out.

"But it's super awesome. Say, have you even thought of working at a deli. I'm sure you could put out all those slicing machines they got with this" Kitsune said as he continued to cut meat.

"GIVE BACK SAMEHADA!" Kisame shouted as he lunged at Kitsune.

"STOP!" Kitsune shouted and Kisame froze in mid-air.

He then moved away pulling away the ham that he had shaved off and then replaced himself with a kiddie pool full of whipped cream.

"Alright, GO!" Kitsune shouted.

Kisame un-froze and flew right into the kiddie pool.

"How the hell did that brat do that?" Hidan asked shocked.

Itachi just sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Now who's next?" Kitsune asked with a wide grin.

**End of Chapter**

* * *

**A/N: yes and this ends this chap. I bet you didn't see me bring in the Shinigami into this chap, huh? I just threw her since I thought it would be fun and unexpected. I don't plan on using her a lot really. She may come back later though. So thanks for reading and please leave a review if you like.**


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